Hey, Lay Off Poor Johan Bruyneel Already! and, Sagan is Back, Suckers!

News from the Department of Total Pointlessness: okay, I get it--Johan Bruyneel was a very, very naughty boy. And sure, he screwed the dreams of every rider who refused to dope, engaged in a massive lucrative cheating conspiracy, and ruthlessly shut down anyone who tried to tell the truth about it, but I ask you, is *that* any reason for those Bitter Betties over at WADA to wank about increasing Johan's outrageous 10-year ban along with the similarly unjust 8 years for doc Pedro Celaya and trainer Pepe Marti? No, I say! Oh c'mon, 10 years outta the game, Johan'll barely know what !@#$ to *use*, much less win with--any eejit who hires 'im'll probably get popped like a two-bit broke-!@# amateur for Ricco'-era CERA or something. Or maybe he'd get Danilo Di Luca to give 'im tips on undetectable masking agents that give you the testosterone levels of a Barbie doll, or, god forbid, a Ken? Forgive and forget, I say--I'm sure Johan feels real, real bad from the comfort of his luxury private island, after all!

The Tourminator Returns (Even if He Really Didn't Go Anywhere): and, just as Mark Cavendish was complaining about the lack of a lead-out relative to some *other* squads that obviously only beat him because of it, Tour de France rival Peter Sagan has thrown down the gauntlet for the green jersey with a decisive victory in the Tour de Suisse today. Uh oh Cav--not only do you have that damn tower o' styling mousse Marcel Kittel to contend with in July, now it's that wheelie-poppin' bastid who can also get over a climb without callin' for a tow truck! Here, Sagz brings it on home: Not to worry though honey--we know you can still do it, so start practicin' some obscure obnoxious victory gestures to taunt Sagan with and don't get too psyched out for the Tour!

Ouch, That's Almost Worse'n a Crash: and, as we all sincerely wish Frank Schleck a safe and speedy recovery from his nasty concussion in the Tour de Suisse, even I can't muster enough soulless hostility to rag on his poor brother Andy at this point--his Trek boss is conceding quite openly that, should the former Tour de France sorta-champ even *make* the TdF squad, he'll *maybe* be shooting for a stage win. Aw, I'm feeling quite sorry for the kid here--hey, look over there at Brad Wiggins, if he's trying to get himself onto the Sky squad for July even if it's just to piss off Chris Froome, he'd better start picking up the pace from today's sorry ride!

Watch Out, Alberto--Maybe!

So Is He or Isn't He?: okay, first Andy Schleck cracks spectacularly in the mountains of the Tour de Suisse, lookin' like Contador could've ridden a whole nother Giro since May and still kicked Andy's !@# at the Tour, but begging the question of whether he was (1) teabagging (sandbagging, whatever); (2) just sensibly riding his way into his form for July; or (3) completely, monstrously !@#$ed. But now, baby Schleck's fought back, looking less like a wind-whipped noodle and far more like the kind of guy who can whomp to the top of the podium a few weeks from now. Geez, pick a form, whydontcha--forget psyching out Contatwerp, yer rockin'n'rollin' is making *me* seasick! Here's the last few minutes:

Oh, !@#$!: well, thanks to new UCI rules, we can pretty much guarantee that the "Help Wanted" signs on ProTour team buses'll be up for a while: if ya doped as a rider, yer out of team management for good. Wisely, the UCI is *not* applying the rule retroactively, due, no doubt, not to actual justice or peloton cleanliness concerns, but because of the simple fact that if they did, the only staffer left in cycling tomorrow morning'd *maybe* be the BMC guy in charge of washing Cadel Evans' underpants. Anyhoo, while comely studmuffins like Ivan Basso or Alessandro Petacchi can certainly find post-riding gigs as runway models, inspirational speakers, or, y'know, male escorts, the rest of y'all are gonna have to find less glamorous careers. How do you say "No, the Value Meal comes with *small* fries" in Kazakh again?

It's a Small Worlds After All: meantime, the Italian cycling fed has taken a particularly strong stance on doping this year, ordering that any rider who has tested poz for drugs is automatically out of the World Championship squad this year. The problem: as commissario tecnico/we still miss from the gruppo we love Paolo Bettini delicately puts it, he is now stuck enouraging along a very, very, very young team. Oh, come on, Paolo--a little caffeine in their sippy cups, and yer boys'll be all right!

Injury Report: finally, in more serious news, as so much of the women's peloton hits the pavement in the Nature Valley Grand Prix that it caused a wholesale neutralization of the stage, the news on brilliant Colombian climber/former Tour de France polka-dot jersey winner Mauricio Soler luckily continues to slowly improve after his terrible crash in the Tour de Suisse, with latest reports from the team and elsewhere indicating that, while he remains in an induced coma, the swelling in his brain is coming down. Please, do get fully and speedily well, Mauricio--we're rooting for you, and thinking of you, your family, and your team!