Yeah, I *know*, the Tour didn't suck this year. Champagne popped, alright? But *now*, it's time for the *always* smashing Vuelta a Espana, where the serious climbers come out to play, the roleurs come out to crack like walnuts when they realize a "breakaway" stage is an every other races "I'm completely !@#$ed" stage, and the sprinters, well, they just cry until their empty husks are bundled into the team car at the side of some sun-baked HC beast and they're tucked in for their defeated flights home. Woot! So what've we got on tap for our enjoyment and the riders' downright misery? This!
The Time Trials: ugh, a cowardly, shameful part of me is almost (not actually, go to hell!) glad Mikel's not here, so at least he can't get screwed *again.* There's two: a 36k individual time trial on Stage 10 that starts (and startles) the specialists with an uphill almost right out the gate, then proceeds with a couple 'nother deceptively nippy lumps before the final 4 k or so plateau, and every flyweight's nemesis, the team time trial on Stage 1, which actually at 13-odd k you'd hope wouldn't hose anyone you care about before the race even begins, but then again, famous last words, the GC's been gobsmacked by less. Just--*please* don't let those twitchy legs derail you the first day, gentlemen!
The Sprints: hey, quit laughing! There's allegedly six, which are sadistically scattered mostly later on about stages 3, 4, 14, 17, 19 and 21, either to make those lazy flat-landers suffer completely needlessly through mountains they can't get up without a ski lift until the very last damn day, or to--well, that's pretty much the only reason I can think of! Bonus !@#$-youlerry--Stage 17 from Aranda de Duero to Guadalajara, though theoretically mercifully after the second rest day, is also by far the longest stage, at 219 kilometers. This ain't no foregone prance around the Champs with all (well, both) the other fast men you started with--good luck making it to the last one, or even past Stage 14, suckers!
The Rollers: 2, 5, 6, 8, who do we appreciate? The breakaways, the breakaways, yeeeaaaaahhhhhhh! By contrast to this relative sprint fest, there's a mere 4 "hilly" stages, which means that all the Classics guys looking for a late-season playground are gonna realize as they're excitedly ramping up for their inevitable win that they've actually got about 58k to go and dammit, it's all uphill. On the plus side, it *is* the Vuelta, so there's a significant chance the GC guys will be saving their firepower and/or their post-finish line utterly gutted projectile vomiting for another day, and at least one of your little gruppos will be allowed to take a victory. You go, boys--no, seriously, *go*, because if you all start d*cking around after 5 1/2 hours out front and get caught 500 meters before the line, there *will* be DS hell to pay!
And Finally, The Mountain Stages: yes, the Alpe d'Huez is *big*. And it's iconic. But it's not *here*, so forget the freakin' Tour already and look towards what the Vuelta *really* has to offer, which is gradient, sunbaked high-altitude desert, gradient, spontaneous human combustion, and *gradient.* First, we ease on down the road with Stages 7, which gives you a pan-flat introductory 80k before tossing a few easy Cat 2s and Cat 3s yer way before the nasty final climb to Mas de la Costa, and 9, which throws you helpless roadies onto 4 k of gravel before the final climb to Cortals d'Encamp, only to completely !@#$ your mojo up with the first rest day and the Stage 10 idiot individual time trial immediately thereafter. Having totally destroyed your legs by design, welcome to a triumvirate of agony on Stages 11-12-13 in the beautiful Basque Country, with "light" mountain stage 11 making you do a stupid circuit, Stage 12 welcoming you on a steep downhill to Bilbao after a tightly-packed and surprisingly leg-snappin' pile of Cat 3s, and a truly brutal Stage 13, dragging you up and down for 159k like a miserable self-propelled rollercoaster til the HC ending up Los Machucos. Wait, won't that *completely* blast out all my energy in the middle of my race for no reason, leaving me with squat in the tank for Stage 15's 3 Cat 1s plus a bonus new mountaintop finish to Santuario del Acebo, and Stage 16's later-stage pain caves, much less the absolutely monstrous and purportedly decisive Stages 18, with its frightening shark's-tooth profile and a mean little uphill to the finish line, and 20, which while on paper not overly formidable does not give you a single flat meter to chill on and is still enough to screw the GC if you're one gel--or ill-timed mechanical--short? Yep, that's the plan, Stan--why they decided to play devil's advocate--or hell, just plain devil--with the Vuelta's main attractions is beyond me, but hey, at least *we're* gonna enjoy watching you from the comfort of our sangria-lubricated homes!
Well, there's your course for 2019. So while you digest (and if you're about to be riding it, regurgitate) that, let's get ready for what's next up In Preview: Yer GC Contenders! Because really, do I *need* a whole damn post about the sprinters for this unforgiving race?
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