A Reality Check on the Great Doping Purge o' 2012; and, The Church Takes on Lance Armstrong

Out, Out, Damned Doper!: look, I'd love--*love*--to see anyone who ever took dope completely banned from the sport. And maybe that's the way it should be from today forward--one strike and you're out. And for my money, penalties should actually be stricter for (1) any dirtweasel, particularly a DS dirtweasel, aiding abetting and encouraging doping by any rider(s) and (2)that smug little hypocrite Millar. But realistically, you put these rules in place right this second like Sky, and you're not gonna have a DS or anyone else worth jack running the sport for a good 15 years. *Really*, De Jongh Yates and Julich are the *only* guys with skeletons in their (1998 for !@#$'s sake) closets? Frankly, I call bull!@#$--at best, they're ones who haven't kept lying about it and signed some dimwit pledge to keep their jobs. So if we do purge this sport--a laudable goal, considering the disgusting cesspool it's become--who the hell do we all expect to manage cycling, much less ride it, for the next decade, some soigneur's freakin' 5 year old? What's more, who *is* getting a pass right now from the fans and the governing bodies seems like total arbitrary crap, and as a loyal if deeply conflicted Heras Mayo and Ullrich fan, I should know from. I mean, I love Dave Z and all those guys too, but isn't it completely offensive that these guys are getting a pass for 'fessing up only when forced to and keeping utterly self-interestedly silent when Armstrong was character-assassinating guys like Landis and Hamilton for being lying pigs when they knew it wasn't true, as it pertained to Armstrong anyway? So if we're really all at peace with purging the sport of dopers completely, right now, that's cool--call me on board, so long as it applies to everyone. Just no whining when 2013 rolls around and there's like 3 guys left to ride and staff the races, you hear? Alternatively, we can do the whole truth-and-reconciliation thing, accept that a huge slew of skankwads will never be held accountable for their actions so long's they yap now, and start afresh with the zero-tolerance tomorrow. Anyone?

Okay, the Vatican It Ain't: but still, I see Lance has now managed to get all his yellow jerseys excommunicated from the Cappella Notre Dame des Cyclistes, visited by a cool 15,000 faithful a year and, though aware its action is merely symbolic, comforted by the knowledge that Lance Armstrong'll bur--uh, that it's the right and just thing to do. Oh well Lance--at least yer still a multimillionaire, what's a silly little soul in comparison?

Good News for Lance Armstrong, That Lying Sack of !@#$; And, In Defense of Bobby Julich

Fear No More, Desperate Lance Fanboys!: yep, dry your tears, o innocent (stupid, whatever) ones: your spotless hero's got good news today, straight from the rich-guy-analysts at the venerable New York Times--sure, Lance may've lost his 7 Tour de France wins, destroyed the lives of countless whistleblowers who were actually telling the truth about 'im, orchestrated one of the most repulsive and potentially physically dangerous doping schemes ever for himself and his totally-whipped teammate-beeyotches, and besmirched the name of the worthy cancer charity he founded, but he's still gonna be mother!@#$in' rich, baby! Now, that is just news to warm my frozen heart. Why? One, because I naturally root for underdogs, and who is more of an underdog than poor beseiged Lance, and why should *his* sainted name go down in infamy just 'cause T-Mobile and them couldn't systemically dope for !@#$? And two--and best of all--Tyler, Floyd, Frankie, Betsy, Greg, and especially Simeoni: *now* there's a point to suing his goon-thug concrete-shoe-makin' kneecap-busting !@#, 'cause he's clearly got the dough to pay your damages! Hey, maybe now Landis can start payin' back the people he ripped off with his "Fairness Fund"...

Owner of A Broken Heart: look, I'm getting !@#damn tired of defending everybody over their stupid doping confessions they only gave under subpoena, after they'd happily sucked in millions of bucks worth of contracts or sponsor deals, or when they got busted doping like a moron. But I'm gonna stretch my neck out one last time for dear Bobby Julich, and before I get any crap about he's no different than anyone else and it's grossly unfair to penalize someone just because they're not widely reviled throughout the peloton as a colossal d!@#, let me say this: when Bobby Julich strode right past me into a vineyard at the 2006 Giro d'Italia and I had to immediately avert my eyes in horror when it turned it he was goin' in for a wee, all I can say is, well, I didn't *see* nothin' suspicious. Of course, if I'd seen *anything*, I would have passed out flat on the roadside, as I am a delicate lady, but still, that's gotta count for something, right? One interesting note in his confession, in his defense of Bjarne Riis: how he says he didn't see any systemic doping in the CSC squad. So does that mean he observed it on an individual level? Oh, right, Frank Schleck was just running off to Switzerland during the Tour to track down his favorite Swiss beer, and Ivan only *attempted* to dope...

You Can't Make This Stuff Up: finally, congrats to the perfectly wisenheimer Italians, whose newly-unveiled 2013 Worlds mascot turns out to be the unforgettable Pinocchio. Am I the only one suspecting that no matter how clean the current peloton yells it's gonna be, his nose is *still* gonna gonna grow a good half-dozen times next Worlds? Oh, Geppetto, I thought you raised that boy better than that!