It's Yer New Year's Resolutions for the Peloton!

Yep, it's nigh on the New Year, where we wash ourselves clean of our filthy year past and revel in the sparkling perfection of the year to come. Yet, judging by their actions, certain denizes of our beloved peloton who appear to be entirely freed from the curses of self awareness and self reflection could *really* use a little help from their friends.  And who better to know what the actual peloton needs than us?  So listen up cyclists: here's Yer New Year's Resolutions for 2019!

Geraint Thomas: As the reigning Tour de France champion, I will claim my rightful place as the undisputed leader of Team Sky in Jul--(Froome kicks in nuts)--urgh, yessir, I'll get on your laundry right away!

Chris Froome: Yeah, glad we got *that* resolution straightened out.  AND I WANT THOSE DIRTY CHAMOIS SPOTLESS, AM I CLEAR?

Simon Yates: you two jack!@#es just keep on fighting.  *I'm* gonna add a yellow winner's jersey to my red one!

Romain Bardet: you Brits can all can suck it.  Time for a new French champion of the Tour!

Gianna Moscon: I'll shut my racist stupid yap.  Hey, Brailsford, what's with these handcuffs, how am I supposed to !@#damn smack anybody like this, anyway?

Alejandro Valverde: Me? I'll still be in World Champion gear when Peter Sagan's 80 years old and retired to the countryside. Now the only reason I want you on my wheel is to bring me up a water bottle, you got that Nairo?

Chantal Blaak: you think *I'm* going back to superdomestique duty?  I'm regaining my stripes in 2019!

Peter Sagan: I'll complete my Monuments sweep.  *After* I tell you how unappreciated I am again!

Nairo Quintana: I will figure out what the hell's been going wrong with my training regimen.  Hey, maybe switching to Team Sky would help!

Fabio Aru: I will--hey, where are you guys going?  I'm right here! No, that's Nibali, I'm right *here*!

Mikel Landa: Listen to me very carefully Mikel: I will get the hell outta Movistar.  JAYSUS MIKEL WHAT MORE EVIDENCE DO YOU NEED TO SEE THAT UNZUE'S GONNA !@#$ YOU OVER TIL THE END OF TIME ALREADY!

Alexandre Vinokourov: I'll hire Mikel Landa back.  Baby needs another Grand Tour win!

Tour de France: We will cave to public demand and the impassioned pleas of the highly qualified women's peloton and put on a fully-supported, publicized, and televised 3 week Tour de France.  For the guys.  *You* just get a !@#$ty crit this year.  Now freshen up my drinky-poo, will ya babe?

Brad Wiggins: No. More. Books.  Besides, I've got my Olympic arm-wrestling career to look after!

Floyd Landis: I will piss off Lance Armstrong by my mere existence. Every. Single. Day. 

Andre Greipel: Two words, Lotto: Caleb. Ewan. Is. Toast.

John Degenkolb: the longer the 'stache, the more the victories.  Guinness Book of World Records, here I come!

Annemiek van Vleuten: uh, artistic cycling?  I'm running outta things to win, here!

Anna van der Breggen: You. Me. Rematch!

Tom Dumoulin: Oh, all right, with 2200 kilometers of time trialling at the Giro d'Italia I guess I'll have another go at it this year.  But *no* more !@#$in' Finestre, you hear me?!

Toms Skujins: I'm gonna perfect my latke recipe.  Oh yeah, and ride that framey thing with wheels on it, too!

Euskadi Murias: World Tour.  And we're bringing back our rightful team kit, too!

Pippo Pozzato: In honor of my retirement, I will get a giant tat listing every one of my career victories.  Aw, man, I know I'm running outta room on my arms legs and torso, but do we gotta put that freakin' needle *there*?

Well, boys and girls, you got your assignments. Now go get 'em, or you'll get even worse ones for next year!