It's Yer Vuelta a Espana in Preview, Part Uno: the Course!

This ain't no stinkin' time-trial snoozefest or GC-busting endless echelon wind-tunnel fest--it's the fabulous Vuelta a Espana, honey, and that means *mountains*! So what do we--but not necessarily the poor bastards who have to ride the entire excruciating thing--have to look forward to, or fear in quivering terror? This!

The Individual Time Trials: yeah, there's two of 'em: one a flat-with-a-wee-lump-around-6k 8km prologue shortie to get some lucky s.o.b. into the leader's jersey--and short enough that, barring some catastrophic tumble or mechanical, it oughtn't to make any longstanding difference on GC--and the other a 32k, stage 16, right-after-the-rest-day-so-you-better-not-be-the-kind-of-rider-who-always-sucks-then, mostly-flat, *could* screw over the lesser time trialists on GC tailor-made Nairo Quintana nightmare. Hold your !@#$ together Valverde--this could really help you against your 'co-captain' here!

The Flats: right, like anyone gives a crap, but there's 6 flat stages to show the sprinters some desperately-needed mercy, though looking at the profiles, the Vuelta a Espana's definition of a "flat stage" is somewhere between a snarky schoolyard bully's "just kidding!"" to an outright raging-Vinokourov "!@#$ you!" Stages 2, 6 through 8, 10, 18, 19 which finishes flat but at altitude after a climb up the Coll de la Rabassa, and of course 21. Umm...are there really gonna *be* any sprinters left by the top of Stage 19? Anyway, good luck to you saps, whoever you are!

The Rollers: Need a warm-up, mountain goats? Keeping in mind this race's sadistic definition of what constitutes "flat", here's enough for the vultures to scope out any obvious imminent vulnerabilities on GC, while still saving their own strength for the decisive high passes. Misery, thy name is "medium mountains"! Stages 3 (sticking a Cat 1 nipper starting around 25k), 4 (two measly Cat 1s), 5 (Cat 2 before a dizzying drop to a flat finale)(the "medium mountains"), and 11 (207.8k of roller-coaster Cat 3s, the longest of this Vuelta), 12 (two Cat 3s, a buncha flats, and a bumpy end), and 17 (18% gradients on the final climb)(the "merely hilly"). You like breakaways, Wolfpack? Well don't say they didn't warn you!

Last But Not Least, the High Mountains: yes, *this* is why we're all here in this relentless landscape for this hideous sufferfest, and *this* is what sends even the mighty Saganator into spasms of gut-busting grief. Take heart Peter, and don't get too cocky Nairo--there's "only" 5 of 'em, holding you in suspense all the way to Stage 9, which starts with the Cat 1 Puerto del Pico, then finishes up the Cat "Holy Crap!" Alto de la Covatilla. No worries--there's a rest day tomorrow, if you make it there! Next up, an extended period of chill til the pain kicks in again on Stage 13 (Cat 1 Puerto de Tarna at 89k, Cat 1 Alto de la Camperona to finish), only to continue on Stage 14 to Nava (just go the hell home already, you're cooked), only to kick you flat in the nuts for a third consecutive day on Stage 15 by finishing on the fearsome, and iconic, Covadonga. Feelin' the burn yet? Well quit complainin', you big baby, 'cause you still got the race-deciding Stage 20 to get through! Less than 100k but packed with pain, you get *two* trips up the Cat 1 Coll de Beixalis, the roughly-midpoint Cat 1 Coll de Ordino, and, to crown your Vuelta with molten tears o' joy, or defeat, the HC Coll de la Gallina (in English, the "Col de What the !@#$ Was I Even Thinking?!"). *Jeez*, I love this race!

Well folks, that's yer Vuelta Route 101--now go home and study the official roadbook, if you dare!