Yeah, yeah, cobbles. But frankly, I'm so preemptively nauseated at the thought of Tom Boonen not winning his final Paris-Roubaix, and the incredibly anal-retentive obsessing over who caused Sagan's Flanders fall when we all know the important thing is what's the proper term for his current facial-hair configuration that I Just. Can't. Even. So, as we look ahead to the smashing 100th Giro, what do you do when your own country's commentator is a !@#$wit? That's right, scam some virus-laden illegal Italian feed, but for now, you need to know what they're sayin'! Ergo, a crash course in General Bike Racing Stuff:
Squadra: yer team. I.e., "how dare you not respect the fabulous Giro enough to bring your A-squadra, you Tour de France-whoring publicity pigs?"
Testa della corsa: the head of the race. Usage: how the !@#$ can that robot Valverde be alla testa della corsa for the 16th straight stage?
Fuga: the breakaway. Example: look, Amets is in la fuga agai--wait, he's not even *racing* anymore? What the hell is *wrong* with you freaks?
Gruppo: the peloton.
Gruppetto: the autobus (the !@#-end of the peloton, not the team bus).
Gregario: yer domestique. Poor bastard!
Velocista: sprinter. Example: how the !@#$ is that 200-pound velocista suddenly out-climbing Alberto Contador? Ohhhh...
Il doping: doping. No, serious!
Scalatore: climber.
Tappa: the stage.
Cronometro: the time trial. As in, "Are you kidding me? We're allowing a !@#$in' 45k flat cronometro to decide the *Giro*?"
Partenza: the start line.
Arrivo: the finish line.
Podio: the podium.
Ristoro: the feed zone. I think. Such as, "can you *get* through this freakin' ristoro without tossing your musette into my wheel, you !@#clown?"
Discesa: the descent.
Pendenza: the percent gradient of the climb.
Tornante: hairpin turn. Like, "Oh, !@#$, did that guy just fly off that tornante?!"
Vincitore: the winner. Correct usage: "Yay! Mikel Landa e' il vincitore!"
Maglia: yes, the coveted jersey! Leader is maglia rosa; mountains is maglia azzurra; young rider is maglia bianca.
Salita: the climb.
Podio: the podium.
Caduta: a fall. Dottore!
Ammiraglia: the team car. Yeah, this is all *your* fault, you @@#-strategy-spewing nits!
Well, them's the basics. Next up: bike parts, medical crap, and, *what* are they shouting at those guys?
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