Blood Bags of Christmases Past! Hushovd's Gonna Knock You Out! Tinkov's Gonna Announce Something Big!

I'll Slap You In the Mouth, I'm Thor Hushovd!: he may be retired, but his influence reigns supreme (or he still has some, anyway)--yes, amiable retiree Thor Hushovd was apparently so irked at angelic Edvald Boassen-Haagen-Dasz's potential signing with the skanky lot over at Saxo Bank last year that he threatened to smack him in the mouth. Geez, Thor, if only you'd threatened to squash him with a magic hammer, you really *would* be the Thunder God! Still, it was apparently enough for Edvald to sign instead with the bitchin' MTN-Qhubeka, leading, according to Norwegian TV, for intemperate team oligarch to tweet menacingly: "Then I saw another side of him, which I had not seen before. Then I thought that maybe it was not so gæernt that I went there, tell rudsbygd no." I don't know what the hell he's saying to you Edvald, but I'd say stay way outta his way this year!

I Want to Dope Your Blooooooooooood: and *just* when you thought you'd escaped from the dark days of 2006 to the cheat-less cycling of today, there's still a *whole* lotta Nervous Nellies left from the "old school" frantically checking to make sure they got their bio passport tweaked right the first time: yes, there's still time for angry narcs to get their mitts on the old Operacion Puerto blood bags. When contacted by the Imaginary Racejunkie News Service, 2014 WorldTour champ/multiple race winner Alejandro Valverde reportedly jeered, "suckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrs!" Oh, I'm *so* glad there's been hardly no problems since then....

Is It Sagan? Is It Contador? Is It Just the Megalomaniacal Rantings of a Publicity-Starved Lunatic?: meantime, as Oleg Tinkov muses that (1) Contador might retire after winning the Giro-Tour double at the end of 2015 and that (2) Peter Sagan better win both Flanders and San Remo this year or he won't quite *kill* 'im, but he *will* !@#damn !@#$ him up, our tender wallflower has proclaimed via Twitter he's gonna announce the "biggest news ever" at the official presentation of Tirreno-Adriatico. Oh, !@#$, he's bought the ENTIRE !@#$ING PELOTON--watch out sprinters, he's gonna make you all bear him around in some gaudy golden palanquin, with Sagan and Contador as his pressure-smacked cash-cows you poor schmucks are all just superfluous now...

That's Right, It's Bike *Racing*!: finally, even though the bangin' Niki Terpstra actually won the time trial at Tour of Qatar today, apparently, everyone just wants gratuitous photos of Fabian Cancellara: But congratulations Niki, so here's a consolation photo of you too!