It's the Lance/Oprah Interview Racejunkie Awards!

Yes folks, I usually don't throw a huge glitzy Oscar-esque awards show just for a one-off (well, two-off) event, but this slutfest debacle was so very special it more'n deserves one of its own. Prizes: seven dirt-black swill-covered jerseys, and Lance gets twenty minutes alone and defenseless in a dark room with Frankie, Betsy, Emma, Floyd, Tyler, Simeoni, and...damn, who *doesn't* this goon deserves twenty minutes with? Anyhoo, here they are....

Understatement o' the Century: "I am an arrogant prick." Even better than "I am not the most credible guy in the world right now!"

What the !@#$...Hey, Why Me?! Award: *really*? All the people he coulda thrown under the bus, and he calls Christian Vande Velde a liar for saying he was pressured to dope? I mean, okay, CVV cheated and profited handsomely by it, the guy's no saint, but geez, throw the freakin' Easter Bunny under the bus whydontcha?

I Am the World's Most Colossal !@#hole Award: I destroyed so many people for telling the truth about me I don't even *remember* 'em anymore--ha ha! Gee, Lance, I bet Emma--y'know, the one you basically called a drunken whore whose entire life you wrecked--remembers it pretty well! *What* a wanker...

Corollary Sensitive New Age Guy Statuette: sure, I called Betsy Andreu a crazy, lying bitch--but hey, at least I didn't say she was fat! Oh, Lance, the hits just keep on comin'...

My Handlers Went Over This Veeeery Thoroughly With Me Prize: I did not dope or perjure myself within the statute of limitations. I did not dope or perjure myself within the statute of limitations. I did not dope or perjure myself within the statute of limitations. Because spending 3 tranquillo years outta the peloton just about guarantees a guy a Tour podium, you weasel!

Holy Crap, the Poor Boy is Delusional Award: All the !@#$ you did and you still think you were on a "level playing field" with the other dimwit hotel-fridge internet-supplement dope fiends? See, Jan, forget the power, the money, the payoffs, the team of superhuman minions, the cutting edge technology, the warnings about doping controls...he'd'a beat you all along anyway...

Is That Violins Playing? Prize: Wah, wah, wah. So how come every child of a single mom isn't a ruthless lying cheating scumwad?

Weren't You Listening, You Morons?! Award: that was *UCI* I bought off, not USADA! Learn your acronyms you ignorant twits...

Let Them Eat Cake Clueless Whine o' the Interview: oh, he's sorry all right--sorry he lost a sweet $75 mil, that is. Phew, good thing he can still afford to sprinkle diamonds on his Wheaties for breakfast!

And the Moral Of the Story Is Smarmy Wrap-Up o' 2013: the truth shall set you free, baby. And I *still* ain't saying the half of it--suckers!

Well, dear readers, them's mine, and if I missed any awards he should've gotten, I hope you'll award 'em for me. Now let's all take a loooooooooooooooong hot shower 'til we finally feel clean again, remember why we still all love this sordid sport, and get ready for the Tour Down Under, baby!

It's He-eeeeeere--the Lance/Oprah Interview Transcript!

Voice-Over: Cancer survivor. Icon. Inspiration to millions. Seven-time winner of the Tour de France. And now, shadowed by controversy. Today, my candid, no-holds-barred interview with the one and only Lance Armstrong.

Oprah Winfrey: Lance, I understand you had a difficult childhood. Tell us what that was like.

Lance Armstrong: It was awful. (Tries to cry; rubs chili pepper in corner of eye instead)

OW: Mine, too. And like you, I triumphed over terrible adversity. Tell us what that was like.

LA: Well, I found solace in sports. And I triumphed over terrible adversity.

OW: That's so inspiring. What happened next?

LA: I found out that I was good at cycling.

OW: Now, "cycling," what is that?

LA: It's when a bunch of snotty Europeans with foreign accents wear stupid spandex outfits and stuff themselves with illegal drugs biking all over socialist countries for money.

OW: That sounds terrible.

LA: It is. Then, I discovered I was sick.

OW: And thankfully, you triumphed over that.

LA: Yes. And I set out to become an even better cyclist than I had been.

OW: That's so inspiring. And how did you do that?

LA: Well, I worked hard, which is the American way. Also, I did what I had to do, but only because a guy named Johan Bruyneel made me do it.

OW: That name sounds European. It must have been very difficult for you.

LA: It was. And I told my teammates that if they didn't do what I had do too, I would crush them like vermin and they would be consigned to the dustbin of history.

OW: That must have been so inspiring for them. Then what?

LA: Well, I donated a bunch of money to organizations who could bust me for just trying to compete equally with everyone else. Just so they could buy nice new lab equipment though.

OW: That's so generous of you. So what happened next?

LA: Well, I kept on beating Europeans. And I'm American. So that's, like, better.

OW: So you inspired millions of young Americans to become cyclists. That's so inspiring. Now, there's something you're not telling us.

LA: Well, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it...

OW: That's so humble of you. But you started an incredibly successful organization dedicating to fighting cancer that inspired millions of people, didn't you?

LA: Well, yes. And I used that to shut up my critics. Who were Europeans, and a bunch of European-lovers, who also wear stupid spandex clothes, ride their bikes on the roads where there are supposed to be pickup trucks, and eat, like, these ridiculous tiny "energy gels" instead of barbecue.

OW: I love my yellow bracelet. But while you were inspiring millions, something was terribly wrong, wasn't it?

LA: Yes. Some of my teammates tried to have their own careers. With Europeans.

OW: That must have been heartbreaking.

LA: Yes (rubs chili pepper into eye again). Then, a bunch of other guys got busted for doping.

OW: Now, "doping," what is that?

LA: It's what I did better than anyone else. Because I'm American.

OW: That's fantastic. So why was that bad?

LA: Well, a bunch of bitter has-beens were out to get me. Just because I tried to destroy their lives for telling the truth about me.

OW: That must have been horrible for you.

LA: Yes. And then, I called Floyd Landis, Tyler Hamilton and Greg LeMond to apologize even though I hadn't done anything wrong, and they were totally mean to me.

OW: Who?

LA: Well, they're--

OW: So you apologize for nothing to some people we've never heard of, and they were mean to you. How selfish and uncaring of them.

LA: It was.

OW: And yet you triumphed over that pain. That's so inspiring. Lance, let's lay it on the line for all the world to hear: is there anything else you want to tell us?

LA: Yes. I did this all for me. Me, ME, M--(Rolex-clad forearm appears from off-camera, whacks Lance upside the head)--my children. And my fans. And for America.

OW: Lance, thank you for sharing your story with us. It's very inspiring. And if you look under your chair, you'll find the keys to a BRAND NEW PRIUS!

LA: (Shrieks with delight and jumps up and down clapping his hands as credits roll)

Holy Crap This Isn't a Joke: Lance is Yappin' on Oprah

Which can only mean one thing, dear reader(s): he's going for the I-couldn't-help-it-everyone-else-was-doing-it-I-was-just-trying-to-inspire-others-after-a-terrifying-illness-and-remarkable-comeback-so-now-you-can't-criticize-me-without-looking-like-a-colossal-!@#$wad-tearjerker-martyr-hero-gullible-fanboy-who-doesn't-give-a-rat's-!@#-about-cycling sympathy vote. Am I the only one who's just about two seconds and a strong personal sense of ladylike restraint away from hurling right now? Thought not! Still, it's gotta be tough faking your first human emotions, especially for the cameras, so in order to help Lance connect with the intended audience, I think he could use a few tips:

1. "I had a tough childhood." Who doesn't love kids?

2. "I discovered something I was good at." Self-esteem blossoms!

3. "Someone else believed in me." Validation!

4. "I worked really hard." He's grateful!

5. "I started winning, like, out of nowhere." Success!

6. "I hit the lowest of low points." Yes, and everyone, even everyone who hates you, is genuinely glad you're okay.

7. "I had to prove to myself I could do it." Yes, and everyone, even everyone who hates you, is genuinely glad you could.

8. "But I found out it wasn't so easy." Obstacles!

9. "Everyone else was doing it." Amoral European socialists!

10. "I trusted Johan." Vulnerability!

11. "He guided me." Lack of personal responsibility!

12. "It was the only way for a level playing field." Justification!

13. "I still beat them anyway." Proof you deserved it!

14. "I am so, so deeply sorry." Remorse!

15. "I've learned a precious lesson." Self-awareness!

16. "I hope to start anew." Redemption!

17. "For my family, for my fans, and all of cycling." Selflessness!

Well, Lance, that oughta tide you over, unless someone actually asks you to explain your years of vindictiveness, how it could possibly have been a level playing field with all your money power influence and doped-up superdomestiques, and your totally callous exploitation of others' sympathy for personal gain. And as you've surely considered carefully, that ain't gonna happen on Oprah. 'Til then, try not calling anyone a "liar" or a "whore," keep that $250,000 you offered to USADA in the bank, and you'll do juuuuuuuuuuuuust fine!