Pre-Tour Head Games! Hour Record Controversies! Doping Wisdom! #cycling

The Intimidation Begins: yep, Tinkoff-Saxo's struck the first big psychological blow of Tour de France 2015: they've unleashed their special Tour team kit, a blue-and-yellow tie-dyeish camo design that virtually declares war on Alberto Contador's pathetic rivals. Not to be outdone, defending champ Vincenzo Nibali's Astana squad has reportedly released its own team kit design, a simple white jersey with "!@#$ YOU TINKOV!" emblazoned across the front in giant red letters. As for Movistar, Alejandro Valverde has allegedly secretly paid millions of euros to an elite military contractor to develop a cloak of invisibility to allow him to bushwhack titular team leader Nairo Quintana without warning. When asked for his comments, Team Sky boss Dave Brailsford dismissed the entire brouhaha, opining, "Nothing can beat our sexy see-thru mesh skinsuits. Except maybe those guys in the neon mankini banana-hammocks who always run alongside the riders on Alpe d'Huez...Hey, Arvesen, get our kit manufacturer on the line!"

Hour of Power: in track news, Sir Brad Wiggins' blazin' immolation of the fabled Hour Record is now totally overwhelmed by two far more important issues: (1) fer God's sake, you *don't* wear long black socks with navy kit; and (2) banned-for-a-decade doping-conspiracy team leader Johan Bruyneel and former UCI prez Pat "Dick" McQuaid were observed at the event having a disturbingly friendly laugh together. !@#$, like no-one thought that they were doing that for the better part of Lance Armstrong's reign anyway? Oh, right, and in inconsequential news, Brad's bike was illegal so his entire hour record was meaningless and Alex Dowsett's gonna come back and beat the crap outta Wiggo's new record anyway. Yeah, but with all this drama, who's gonna be left to watch the attempt itself?

UCI Can't Believe This Is Happening Again: meanwhile, I see two Pro Continental riders have tested "non-negative" for human growth hormone and EPO respectively, which, in addition to the recent scourge of amateur doping in the sport, the uselessness of the biological passport, *and* the fact that hardly any WorldTour riders have tested poz since, well, Contador (sorry, fans!), clearly proves an inverse relationship between doping and success, in that only riders who already suck by comparison to their WorldTour compatriots are dopers, and all of the very top riders in the sport are clean. Cause and effect, honey--whew, I feel so much better about those WorldTour squads now!

Lookin' Good for Tejay!: finally, as the Tour de France GC contenders (minus Alberto and Nairo, of course) face off in the Dauphine, the more interesting question seems to be how much the team time trial is gonna hurt 'em in the quest for the final maillot jaune, because it was a loooong 34 seconds over 24.5k between Dauphine time trial champs BMC and, unfortunately, Chris Froome's Team Sky. Well, everyone gets one bad day--I don't doubt that here or in the Tour, Froomey'll be able to inflict some serious damage on at least a few of his rivals in the mountains!

My Name is Humpty/Pronounced With a Umpty--the Tour de France GC Shapes Up (and Down)!

The Humpty Dance Is Your Chance to do the--Aw, You Know the Rest: yep, we sure found out at the Dauphine finale who's in shape for the Tour and who's cracked like a creepy arrogant talking egg! Oh sure, Froomey's got an excuse 'cause he crashed, but after today's disaster, he may want to think about apologizing to potentially useful superdomestique/autobio-beeyotch Brad Wiggins, despite the fact that Sky are riding like a pack of 2004-era Postal freaks. !@#$, I thought that rush-job UCI Therapeutic Use Exemptions for totally coincidentally performance-enhancing drugs were supposed to *improve* performance! As for Vincenzo Nibali, tho' he did put in a brave attack today, he's reportedly already on his way to a last-ditch high-altitude training camp in France, where Alexander Vinokourov will personally chase his terrified bonking !@# up and down the Alpe d'Huez wielding a whizzing 9-foot ox-whip every day 'til he either improves his form or Vino kicks him off the mountainside. Now *that's* race prep, kids! Meantime, a surging 2010-lookin' Alberto Contador, despite a few failed testing attacks in the earlier days of the Dauphine and, more importantly, a squad that distinctly looks unlikely to hold up against the Sky androids, has clearly timed things juuuuust right for July, including that little private airplane hidden discreetly at a small airport in France in case he !@#$s up after all and needs a quick escape to someplace even Oleg Tinkov can't find 'im. Y'know, tactically, that boy's got brains! As for suprise GC win Andrew Talansky? One, champagne, two, ridiculous new expectations for the Tour, and three, give that child a *raise* already! Here, the last 10k from the great CyclingHub:

Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel!: while we're at it, Mikel Nieve actually won the stage, so I say we cut the bull!@#$ and just reconstitute Euskaltel-Euskadi already. Damn, Oleg, Alonso still seems dithery, can't you just step in and buy 'em all up with the change you got squished behind the hand-stitched leather seats of your Ferrari or whatever?

AbFab--or Is He?: all right, I don't like this any more than you do--but let's be honest, even with an injury, Spartacus usually wins, so by that completely unfair standard, Fabian Cancellara's time trial at the Tour de Suisse, atypical as it was in profile and technical turnsiness, was a huge woof, and as he already turns his thoughts to the Tour's cobblestones where he will certainly redeem himself, I can only hope it was the bandages on his still-raw recon-crash bod that are behind the problem and not that, say, the wholly admirable Tony Martin is genuinely displacing him from Planet Time Trial. Oh well, Fabian's still got the Classics either way--until we love Tommeke comes back and whales on 'im next year!

Whoa Moly It's the First Doping Scandal of the Tour de France Already And It's Only the Dauphine!

Breathe In, Breathe Out: yep, just as I was thinkin' as how that Froomey was lookin' pretty damn good today towing a helpless Contador up the mountain and *still* having the energy to drop 'im in the finale at the Dauphine, comes our first official scandal of the Tour de France: Chris was caught huffing on an inhaler totally coincidentally right when he happened to be trying to win a mountain stage. Geez, think how that spindly freak's gonna ride when he's feeling *well* for a change! Still, apparently it's all cool with UCI--and I'm pretty sure I was hearing crickets chirping from the general direction of the peloton, so who are we to question?

Remember How "Jaws" Ended?: yeah, in a big gory mushroom cloud o' shark-guts, which is what Astana team boss/lovably egomaniacal sociopath Alexandre Vinokourov is gonna do to Vincenzo "lo Squalo" Nibali if he doesn't at least start showing enough pre-Tour form to worry his rivals this week, since Vino already wrote a very firm letter ripping his squad for crap results before Nibali popped today. Boys, I know Nibs was saying it was all good after the race, but really, I think this is the start and end of Vino's pep talk--the next one you get is gonna be yer feet sunk in a tub o' quick-set concrete, so start turning those damn pedals while you still can for heck's sake!

Out With the Old, In With the New: finally, former Lance Armstrong heir apparent/2x Giro champ Ivan Basso, who had a distinctly lackluster Giro despite a heartwarming attack or two, is apparently done with the Grand Tours that once seemed like his birthright--he won't be riding the Tour de France or the Vuelta a Espana, at least not for Cannondale this year. Y'know, remembering the coolly unapproachable "extraterrestri" Top Gun who posed shirtless for Gazzetta dello Sport and beat down an outraged we love Gilberto Simoni by 9 minutes in 2006, this somehow makes me rather sad. Oh well, at least he's got a lovely post-cycling gig as a blueberry farmer lined up--and Ivan, if you're really still signing for Tinkov next year, you might wanna get yer salary in a cash advance before he changes his mind!

The Road to the Tour Blasts Off!; and, Thanks @iamtedking !

It's the Dauphine, Baby!: yes, most of the big Tour de France contenders--Contador, Froome, Rodriguez, and Valverde--lined up today to size up each other up stay out of trouble build up some racing miles and hopefully not blow too much energy psychologically intimidating their competition on the mountains, and it was a smashing Stage 1 solo win for Canada (woo-hoo!)'s young David Veilleux before another (if less) lumpy day in the saddle tomorrow. Shockingly, Chris Froome stayed right with his rivals in the peloton, despite an alleged two-day booze-fueled bender after Brad Wiggins' Tour-withdrawal-announcement in which Froome was apparently seen at a local restaurant leaping up on a table, waving his arms triumphantly to an imaginary crowd, tearily mouthing the words to his national anthem as he faced an invisible flag and spraying a giant bottle of Champagne on irate diners and wait-staff before being dragged down by a burly chef who, having been mistaken for a podium babe and enthusiastically kissed, knocked him flat unconscious into a busboy with a solid left to the jaw. Glad to see you're handling your now-unequivocally-confirmed team leadership with grace there, Froomey!

Tommeke Tommeke Tommeke!: meantime, Tom Boonen is finally coming back after his off-season illness, limb-threatening elbow infection, and cracked ribs, taking a nice win at the Heistse Pijl: I don't know what the hell he's saying, but he sure *looks* happy, don't he?

Injury Report: and, best wishes for a speedy recovery to legendary bike god Johan Museeuw, who busted his collarbone and dislocated his shoulder at the 24 Hours of Zolder after two other riders crashed in front of him and could not be avoided. Get well soon, and to the guys who took him down--just be glad he didn't make your injuries worse after you jacked him!

Introducing the Holy I-Still-Think-of-it-as-Liquigas-Cannondale Cycling Cap o' Destiny!: finally, many many thanks to the extremely gentlemanly Ted King, who kindly gifted me a tres chic Cannondale cap via Mr. RJ at a local bike event, and which I'll not only be wearing into tatters like a besotted twit but will now use to draw future winners in the storied Grand Tour Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest every year. Grazie mille, and good karma to all!

Stand By Your Man/ And Tell the World You Love Him ('Cause It's Not Like You Have a Choice)

I Need An Everlasting Love: yes, Alberto Contador has rewarded Bjarne Riis richly for his faith and loyalty with a long-term contract, Johan Bruyneel has apparently finished (publicly) bawling into his coffee and Cheerios clutching his teddy bear, and Andy Schleck has--yep, inspired his boss' confidence still further by dropping out of the Dauphine'. Still, Johan seems to be reasonably convinced Andy's got maybe a plausibly half-!@#ed excuse for his crap performance this time, or at least is putting on his Tour game face and politesse enough in the wake of his catastrophic failure to snag and keep Contador to not call a humongous press conference to say again how Andy's A Colossal Whining Wuss Compared to Lance and A !@#damn Two Year Old Can Take Pain Better Than This Big Baby and I Can Guarantee You He'll Be Lucky To Wash My Dirty Underwear in July. Now *that's* grace in the face of defeat--enjoy it while it lasts, Andy, 'cause the second you choke at the Tour he's gonna be back on you with a horsewhip!

We're Not Catching You Means It's Working: in anti-doping news, random attack dog/doper-apologist Pat "Dick" McQuaid has touted the success of the bio passport program, claiming the fact that they haven't busted anybody for years except Franco Pellizotti a coupla neo-pros and a coupla Masters riders means that none of the riders are doping at all. Boy, what a relief that is--so, Pat "Dick", you giving Contador the all-clear and a sincere apology for his clenbuterol poz in 2010? Andy, get ready to give back your spankin' new maillot jaune--d'oh, *that* was a good five seconds of kingship!

Yer Gratuitous Tom Boonen Reference o' the Week: no, he's not riding the Tour de France, which blows--but dear Tommeke *is* revving up for the Olympic road race, so Cav, you'll have to watch yer butt on your home turf instead! Here, a reminder of what Cav has to fear this year: Allez allez Tooooooommmmm!

I Just Said You *Suck*, Not That I Don't Need Your Worthless Lazy Carcass on a Bike in July

Naughty Number Nine: don't worry about that purported "bad blood" between the Schleck brothers and Johan Bruyneel: one, it ain't just "purported," but two, they're stuck together in a contract through 2014 anyway! Bruyneel has, however, in a goodwill gesture to Andy Schleck, clarified his earlier remark that Fabian Cancellara's the only one guaranteed a Tour spot in July--due to a "mistranslation," what he *meant* was Andy blows, but RadioSkank needs any dead weight they can get on the tarmac to meet the Tour-squad minimum of nine men in July. Well, apparently that "wounded knee" bull!@#$ ain't getting much sympathy! Geez, Johan, this "tough love" thing is clearly just not working with a sensitive guy like Andy who's so used to being coddled, snuggled, wheedled and adored by his swooning entourage--why not just toss 'im to the curb for the Tour and let Jens Voigt take his place instead, doesn't Jens personally qualify as like 8 normal riders under the official UCI guidelines anyway?

Trade Ya! (Don't Do It Alberto!): of course, this could all be a moot point if the reports in the Italian mediaare true that Bjarne Riis and Johan might be swapping out Alberto for the Schlecks on each others' squad, and while I appreciate Bjarne's sentimentality towards his old charges on the one hand and Alberto's understandable desire for more backup firepower on the other, I gotta call bull!@#$--are you freakin' *nuts*, Alberto? Why not ask Bruyneel to kick your !@# off the peak of Mont Ventoux and get the inevitable end to this theoretical nightmare over with now? And Johan, while we're at it, get over it. You will never, never, never find another Lance. Not even Alberto, who had the incredible temerity to not want to be treated like garbage when he was winning you the Tour and probably could've been your next immortal perfect love if you hadn't botched it so badly when your ex came waltzing back to the peloton. So live with the options you got now, and treat your current GC prospects like they're a step above dog--y'know--already!

Wiggo Lays It Down: meantime, over at the Dauphine, as a polite Cadel plays down his chances and even Miguel Indurain can't peg a favorite for July, Evans and Wiggo are still looking like the biggest threats for the Tour de France, and Samuel "holy crap he's the defending polka-dot jersey!" Sanchez, I note, is clearly going to be in a perfect position to take it again this year despite his rib-smushing earlier crash (shut up! go to hell!), because he still managed to come in only a half-minute down or so on Andy Schleck on that last stage. Oh man, it *is* lookin' sad for that boy, isn't it...maybe he *oughta* go back to Bjarne after all! Here, Samu' toughs it out: Bow before him and Euskaltel, you weaklings!

It's the Try-Out for the Tour de France, Baby!

Lookin' Good...Uh, Some of You: yes, the traditional Tour de France trying grounds, the Dauphine', is upon us, the brief prologue is complete, and a few things are clear: Wiggo (second at 1 second back) and Cadel (a respectable 9th at 5) look mighty fine, and Andy Schleck...well, let's just suggest that at 102nd at 28 back, and with all the time trial miles at the upcoming Tour, Johan Bruyneel's not exactly gonna be crackin' a champagne bottle for his maillot jaune hopeful unless it's over his !@#damn head. Add to that this race's parcours including a 53k time trial on stage 4 and a weird downhill finish on what could otherwise be an Andy-friendly stage to Morzine, and Schleckino's boss-man ain't likely to be happy ahead of July. Head for the hills, Andy, *now*--at least in those, you're supposed to be able to outrun 'im!

A Humble Proposal: and, I see there's been just a raft of UCI "whereabouts violations" this year, and for the simple error of intentionally avoiding a wholly-deserved drug te--uh, accidentally forgetting to call into their nannies every six seconds--it seems to me a lot of people are getting awa--uh, wrongfully accused of nefarious acts against morality. My solution: the Official Racejunkie Electric Dog-Collar Tracking Machine! Yes, under the fair and sensible control of Noble Crusader and Exemplar of All Fairness Pat "Dick" McQuaid himself, strap one of these puppies on the latest crop o' suspect riders, let 'em just try one impromptu secret trip to, say, Dr. Ferrari's place for a "barbecue", and zappo!--your rider stays safely put under the known, tender and entirely lawful ministrations of his own team docs. Wait a minute...

Yer Heartwarming Sacrifice of the Week: finally, big thanks to fervent anti-cheating advocate David Millar, who, despite some petty suggestions that a single silly doping poz you're ever so grateful occurred to cleanse your conscience oughta nonetheless keep one outta the unimpeachable Olympics, has announced himself reluctantly at the British Olympics team's disposal, if only to help Cav and set an example for the impressionable kiddies. Y'know, it's things like this that restore my faith in humanity. Landis, maybe we'll finally see you back in action this year!