Can we get to the point? This circuit !@#$ and skipping the Muur just sucks. Why not just let the peloton have a nice relaxing brunch the first 5 hours then start from 20k out? Anyway, it is still Flanders, so let's recap:
1. !@#$!: Tom Boonen down, stitches impending, and his Classics totally !@$#ed at 30K. Despite the fact that I was rooting for Boonen anyway after his crap season-so-far, and 80% of Boonen is still 120% of anyone else, am I the only one thinking that the Classics just ain't the Classics if Tom and Fabian can't slug it out in full form? Here, Belgium breaks its heart:
2. Notable Mechanicals: Rear wheel puncture for Fabian at 53k out. Flecha mechancial at 34k. Really, is that gonna take either one of 'em out?
3. Yep, It's Flanders All Right: walkin' on the Koppenburg.
4. The End is Near: Fabian and Sagan are marking at 34k! Argy-bargy at the foot of the Kwaremont! Roelandts ditches Hinault at 18K! Chavanel falling back!
5. Okay, You Can Turn Off the TV Now: Cancellara jumps again as Sagan hits the hurt locker at 17k! All over at 13k as Sagan and Roelandts settle for a slugfest for second.
6. Vooooos!: yep, it's Marianne Vos for the women. Damn, does she even need a bike to ride on--that woman could just win races walking and pickin' daises!
Well, that's what you missed, unless seeing Fabian Cancellara--who is brilliant, yap yap yap--pull the same one-length-and-he's-gone trick can keep you entertained for every race on the planet. Me, not so much. Bring on Roubaix, and for God's sake, some other freakin' tactic!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Peter Sagan vs. Mark Cavendish: Yer Handy Primer
Okay folks, there's been a loooottta flashy ridin' lately and a looooottta fan fightin' over who reigns supreme, upstart young Slovak Peter "Pop-a-Wheelie" Sagan or less upstart but still young Brit Mark "Colgate" Cavendish. And frankly, between the sprinterly arrogance, lightning-fast finishes and whack-job victory salutes, it's sometimes hard to tell who's who. So who are they, and who's the bitchinest of them all? Here, Yer Handy Racejunkie Primer:
Early History: Sagan: junior world mountain bike champ. Cav: gold-medal world madison champ trackie. And yes, they both rode everything else, too. Mountain bike's more beery 'n' fun, but track's just wicked cool. Advantage: Cavendish.
Palmares: Sagan: this year's Gent, possibly Sunday's Flanders, 5 stages and the green jersey at last year's Tour, points classification in basically everything else last year, too. Cav: 2011 world road champ, Milano-Sanremo, a mind-boggling couple dozen stages at the Tour de France, points classifications in the Tour and, miraculously, the fabulous Vuelta. Yes, Sagan's younger, but boy--you've got some more work to do!
Nickname: Sagan: the "Terminator." True, to be sure, but holy crap is that overused, and his sponsor should still be thwapped for that obnoxious green bike last year. Cav: the "Manx Missile." Cav takes it by a landslide!
Victory Salute: Cav: a clean, straightforward, chest-thumping, finger-flippin' "screw you!" Sagan: a masterpiece of arcane movie gestures, crowd-pleasing showmanship, and just plain goofy joy. Sagan, you charmer--sure, your elders are miffed, but then, they're jealous of you, too!
Strengths: Sagan: jack of all trades, master of...well, it's still a little too soon to tell where he's gonna really go, right? Cav: undisputed fastest man on two wheels in a pure sprint. Cav 'til Sagan gets a little more experience!
Weaknesses: Sagan: uh...I dunno...he's too darn big to be a Sastre-esque pure climber? Cav: can't climb for !@#$, but man, does he ever stick it out. Cav, we'll see if he out-chokes you at something!
Team: didja know Sagan's a Quick Step reject? Well, I didn't, you insufferable bike-stat snotwad! Lookin' a little green there, Lefevere? Anyway: Sagan's the better natural Classics rider, but Cav's got the better Classics squad. Sagan wins on the smashing Liquigas (Cannondale, whatever) team kit, which is almost as garish as he is, but Cav's already smacked his new Quick Step minions into a solid lead-out. Me, I love any team that's got Chavanel and Boonen, and Cannondale's still pissing me off for losing Nibali. Toss up!
Team Camp: sure, Liquigas is admirably sadistic, but it was Quick Step that had Cav and everyone else go special-ops Rambo on everyone's !@# this year. Drop and give me 20, Sagan you punk!
Argy-Bargy: there's still some debate about whether Sagan's De Panne win the other day was a bit of a punk-!@# move for changing his line, but did you know Cav once single-handedly flung Tyler Farrar over the border into the Spain by grabbing his bike jersey with his teeth? Yup, they still haven't found 'im! Gotta give Cav management points for delegating half his dirty work to his domestique goons, though. Sagan wins for cleanliness!
Smack-Talk: Sagan is relentlessly, heck, almost freakishly, polite. Cav, on the other hand, will not only blame the weather, the announcer, the race moto, and the other squads failure to support 'im for his loss, but will publicly rip into his own teammates to boot. Wait, do we give this to the diplomat, or the !@#$-you guy?
Eye-Candy Quotient: oh, gimme a break, you smug little purists--you think Mario "the Chest" Cipollini made his career on results alone? On this, I defer to my loyal reader(s). 'Cause it's not like you all hadn't thunk about it anyway!
Well, them's my assessment, and honestly, I'm surprised how Cav's more'n held his own against the Sagan hype machine. So slug it out on the road, boys, and let's see who earns the vulgar victory display at the end of the season!
Early History: Sagan: junior world mountain bike champ. Cav: gold-medal world madison champ trackie. And yes, they both rode everything else, too. Mountain bike's more beery 'n' fun, but track's just wicked cool. Advantage: Cavendish.
Palmares: Sagan: this year's Gent, possibly Sunday's Flanders, 5 stages and the green jersey at last year's Tour, points classification in basically everything else last year, too. Cav: 2011 world road champ, Milano-Sanremo, a mind-boggling couple dozen stages at the Tour de France, points classifications in the Tour and, miraculously, the fabulous Vuelta. Yes, Sagan's younger, but boy--you've got some more work to do!
Nickname: Sagan: the "Terminator." True, to be sure, but holy crap is that overused, and his sponsor should still be thwapped for that obnoxious green bike last year. Cav: the "Manx Missile." Cav takes it by a landslide!
Victory Salute: Cav: a clean, straightforward, chest-thumping, finger-flippin' "screw you!" Sagan: a masterpiece of arcane movie gestures, crowd-pleasing showmanship, and just plain goofy joy. Sagan, you charmer--sure, your elders are miffed, but then, they're jealous of you, too!
Strengths: Sagan: jack of all trades, master of...well, it's still a little too soon to tell where he's gonna really go, right? Cav: undisputed fastest man on two wheels in a pure sprint. Cav 'til Sagan gets a little more experience!
Weaknesses: Sagan: uh...I dunno...he's too darn big to be a Sastre-esque pure climber? Cav: can't climb for !@#$, but man, does he ever stick it out. Cav, we'll see if he out-chokes you at something!
Team: didja know Sagan's a Quick Step reject? Well, I didn't, you insufferable bike-stat snotwad! Lookin' a little green there, Lefevere? Anyway: Sagan's the better natural Classics rider, but Cav's got the better Classics squad. Sagan wins on the smashing Liquigas (Cannondale, whatever) team kit, which is almost as garish as he is, but Cav's already smacked his new Quick Step minions into a solid lead-out. Me, I love any team that's got Chavanel and Boonen, and Cannondale's still pissing me off for losing Nibali. Toss up!
Team Camp: sure, Liquigas is admirably sadistic, but it was Quick Step that had Cav and everyone else go special-ops Rambo on everyone's !@# this year. Drop and give me 20, Sagan you punk!
Argy-Bargy: there's still some debate about whether Sagan's De Panne win the other day was a bit of a punk-!@# move for changing his line, but did you know Cav once single-handedly flung Tyler Farrar over the border into the Spain by grabbing his bike jersey with his teeth? Yup, they still haven't found 'im! Gotta give Cav management points for delegating half his dirty work to his domestique goons, though. Sagan wins for cleanliness!
Smack-Talk: Sagan is relentlessly, heck, almost freakishly, polite. Cav, on the other hand, will not only blame the weather, the announcer, the race moto, and the other squads failure to support 'im for his loss, but will publicly rip into his own teammates to boot. Wait, do we give this to the diplomat, or the !@#$-you guy?
Eye-Candy Quotient: oh, gimme a break, you smug little purists--you think Mario "the Chest" Cipollini made his career on results alone? On this, I defer to my loyal reader(s). 'Cause it's not like you all hadn't thunk about it anyway!
Well, them's my assessment, and honestly, I'm surprised how Cav's more'n held his own against the Sagan hype machine. So slug it out on the road, boys, and let's see who earns the vulgar victory display at the end of the season!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
It's the Abominable SnowClassics!; and, Baby Schleck on an Upswing
Watch Out, Big Boys!: well, if there was any doubt that Peter Sagan was ready to win a big race, presumptive Classics kings BMC Quick Step and (thanks to Fabian) RadioSkank are scared straight now: the boy not only had the strength, but even seems to be developing a little tactical sense this week, to take a snow-snapped Gent-Wevelgem. Speaking of which, am I the only one totally pissed at how Thor Hushovd's going this season? Time to earn your damn paycheck o "God o' Thunder!" As for Tommeke, it looks his 2012 win streak has totally gobsmacked him out of any luck whatsoever this season. Dagnabit! Of course, the Terminator finished off in grand style, this time wielding an imaginary lasso and popping a trademark wheelie across the line. Sure, he's cocky--but doesn't it still make you want to smack him a lot less than when Contador pulls that "Pistolero" crap? Here, poor Tom:
Woo-hoo, He's Saved!: meanwhile, just as I was about to drop a bucketload o' mercy and resolve a Voluntary Rider Insult Moratorium on sad-sack bar-fly Andy Schleck until he finished a race, he *did* finish one this weekend by golly, coming in a respectable 57th out of 60 at Criterium International at only 22 plus minutes back. Start quakin', Alberto--after all, you're the one knocked out with the sniffles this weekend! However, I really do wish him a total physical and mental recovery for July. But it ain't still gonna help if you don't learn to descend and time trial, Andy!
Et Tu, Wiggo?: thinking of Chris Froome, who took the stage and GC from teammate Richie Porte at Criterium International on the last day, am I the only one thinkin' that Brad Wiggins actively wants to !@#$ over Froomey at the Tour by saying he now plans to ride the Vuelta as well as the Giro? Sure, Wiggins, he maybe tried to pull a Cunego to your Simoni at the Tour de France--with a ton of ungracious whinging at that--but you still couldn't surpass 'im with this year's parcours so why be a bitch about it? Either help or stay home, and just upstage 'im in France with your rock-band entourage or somethin' instead!
Woo-hoo, He's Saved!: meanwhile, just as I was about to drop a bucketload o' mercy and resolve a Voluntary Rider Insult Moratorium on sad-sack bar-fly Andy Schleck until he finished a race, he *did* finish one this weekend by golly, coming in a respectable 57th out of 60 at Criterium International at only 22 plus minutes back. Start quakin', Alberto--after all, you're the one knocked out with the sniffles this weekend! However, I really do wish him a total physical and mental recovery for July. But it ain't still gonna help if you don't learn to descend and time trial, Andy!
Et Tu, Wiggo?: thinking of Chris Froome, who took the stage and GC from teammate Richie Porte at Criterium International on the last day, am I the only one thinkin' that Brad Wiggins actively wants to !@#$ over Froomey at the Tour by saying he now plans to ride the Vuelta as well as the Giro? Sure, Wiggins, he maybe tried to pull a Cunego to your Simoni at the Tour de France--with a ton of ungracious whinging at that--but you still couldn't surpass 'im with this year's parcours so why be a bitch about it? Either help or stay home, and just upstage 'im in France with your rock-band entourage or somethin' instead!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Boonen Goes Bull!@#$! Sagan Eats Pie! Phinney Phreezes! And, Wiggo Wants Whup-!@#
Uh, Aren't the Belgians Supposed to *Like* This Slop?: well, that was one smashing start for African cycling, as big Maggy Backstedt calls it early for the brand-new MTN-Qhubeka's sprint-stud Gerald Ciolek, powering around nicely as Sagan over-marked Chavanel to lose the top spot, and Chavanel himself provided, for my money, by far the most aggressive and entertaining ride of the race. But of course, the big news of the day--because it sure wasn't the podium--was the near-blizzard conditions that forced the Italians to cut off the race's Turchio climb but still left the peloton, even after their team-bus lay-off warm-up, in a severe state of soaked, miserable, decimated, pissed-off Popsicle. An extremely ticked Tommeke, as he bailed out at the break: "I think my decision says enough.This is partly a precaution, but also a statement to the organization. They knew long enough that there was so much snow on the road. What happens now is the fault of the organization's own fault. Have you ever wanted to bicycle through the snow ridden? There are nicer things than this. I'm completely frozen." Other casualties: Vincenzo Nibali, Matthew Goss, and, well, pretty much everyone from Spain. Stickin' it out: Mark Cavendish for heck's sake, who simply tweeted "Fucking.Freezing." and *still* came in strong in the chase group. Right on Cav! Here, Taylor Phinney coated in ice, and a cheerful Sagan with his pie:
And, the last 3k:
There's Always Tomorrow/For Dreams To Come True: but wait, there's more--it's the fabulous Volta a Catalunya starting tomorrow, baby, and it's really all about the pre-Giro showdown between we love modest Canadian defending champ Ryder Hesjedal, Brad "I Hate Being Famous! Wait, Where's the Paparazzi Going?" Wiggins, and Tour rivals Rodriguez and Valverde. Also in: controversial returning Lance-yappin' Garmin ban-ees Van de Velde, Zabriskie, and Danielson. Me, I'm just gonna be smug as hell when dear Euskaltel finally grabs their first win of the season (go to hell! are too! it's been cold out!). And come on Cadel, you can do this--time to show some form already!
And, the last 3k: There's Always Tomorrow/For Dreams To Come True: but wait, there's more--it's the fabulous Volta a Catalunya starting tomorrow, baby, and it's really all about the pre-Giro showdown between we love modest Canadian defending champ Ryder Hesjedal, Brad "I Hate Being Famous! Wait, Where's the Paparazzi Going?" Wiggins, and Tour rivals Rodriguez and Valverde. Also in: controversial returning Lance-yappin' Garmin ban-ees Van de Velde, Zabriskie, and Danielson. Me, I'm just gonna be smug as hell when dear Euskaltel finally grabs their first win of the season (go to hell! are too! it's been cold out!). And come on Cadel, you can do this--time to show some form already!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Rain! Pain! The Cipressa and Poggio! It's All Wide-Open for Milano-Sanremo, Baby!
What Is It?: the first big Classic of the season, baby, and a looooooooong 298k. Ow, !@#$!
What's The Terrain: well, it's flat enough at the very end for a bunch sprint. But the Cipressa and Poggio climbs and descents can (1) let a break get away and (2) thin the herd like lion on antelope. And it depends on how hard the wind is blowing. And if the rain is falling--which it will be. And how cold it is. And...damn, thank god I'm gonna be watching this thing from home!
So What's That Look Like?: Here, and for heck's sake at least wake up for the last 25k:
Who's Gonna Be There?: Who isn't? Oh, right, the munchkin 20-ounces-soaking-wet climbing specialists. The rest of you, line up and prepare to hurt!
Who're The Faves: yeah, you know 'em! Past winners Gerrans, Gossy, Pippo, Cancellara, Cavendish. Bearer of High Expectations Sagan. Bearers of Middlin' Expectations Boonen Nibali and Gilbert. Bearers of Crap Expectations Hushovd. And about 20 other big wily bastards who ain't talkin'. Me, I'm wondering if Sagan'll be so marked he'll just be Cancellaraed outta the win. Forza Tommeke--shut up, he can too!
What's the Weather?: according to the forecast, so miserable even the Belgians'll hate it. But come on--if you ain't riding it, doesn't it seem more "epic" that way?
Right, the Gilbert Psyche-Out: geez, what crap timing for world champ Philippe Gilbert to have to deal with accusations of bogus-prescrip'd cortisone use at Lotto after everyone'd already stopped doping 2 years ago--don't let it freak you out, Gilbert!
Finally, Yer Bonus Cav-Boonen Press Conference Eye Can--uh, Highly Informative Speaking Stuff:
Well, it's on to the race--good luck and stay upright you guys!
What's The Terrain: well, it's flat enough at the very end for a bunch sprint. But the Cipressa and Poggio climbs and descents can (1) let a break get away and (2) thin the herd like lion on antelope. And it depends on how hard the wind is blowing. And if the rain is falling--which it will be. And how cold it is. And...damn, thank god I'm gonna be watching this thing from home!
So What's That Look Like?: Here, and for heck's sake at least wake up for the last 25k:
Who's Gonna Be There?: Who isn't? Oh, right, the munchkin 20-ounces-soaking-wet climbing specialists. The rest of you, line up and prepare to hurt!
Who're The Faves: yeah, you know 'em! Past winners Gerrans, Gossy, Pippo, Cancellara, Cavendish. Bearer of High Expectations Sagan. Bearers of Middlin' Expectations Boonen Nibali and Gilbert. Bearers of Crap Expectations Hushovd. And about 20 other big wily bastards who ain't talkin'. Me, I'm wondering if Sagan'll be so marked he'll just be Cancellaraed outta the win. Forza Tommeke--shut up, he can too!
What's the Weather?: according to the forecast, so miserable even the Belgians'll hate it. But come on--if you ain't riding it, doesn't it seem more "epic" that way?
Right, the Gilbert Psyche-Out: geez, what crap timing for world champ Philippe Gilbert to have to deal with accusations of bogus-prescrip'd cortisone use at Lotto after everyone'd already stopped doping 2 years ago--don't let it freak you out, Gilbert!
Finally, Yer Bonus Cav-Boonen Press Conference Eye Can--uh, Highly Informative Speaking Stuff:
Well, it's on to the race--good luck and stay upright you guys!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
It's Yer Tirreno-Adriatico-Paris-Nice-Pre-Tour-de-France-'n'-Giro Roundup!
1. Contador's just waiting. Don't get too cocky there, Froomey!
2. Nibali is just gonna crush this Giro. Ivan Basso, there's no shame in a stage win!
3. Andy Schleck is meat for the season. And I hope he gets--well, everything--back for 2014, or it'll go down as one of the most epic wastes of talent in the history of cycling.
4. Cav can bitch all he wants that Peter Sagan's "not a sprinter," but that doesn't mean Sagan won't still beat him again.
5. Speaking of Sagan, holy crap he's fun to watch. In fact, if it weren't for the fact that Sagan can climb without croaking, I'd say he rather reminds me of a certain dashing young Manxman.
6. Yes, Purito, you *do* look great. No, do *not* try the Giro/Tour double, you eejit! When you *win* your first Grand Tour, *then* you can try it. And you'll *still* be screwed. Ever hear the name "Alberto Contador"?
7. Jeeeeens! Jeeeeeeens! Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeens!
8. If you saw Andrew Talansky coming at Paris-Nice, you are a total lying sack of !@$%. Or Jonathan Vaughters.
9. Yes, that stage at Tirreno was insane. No, don't apologize for it. As Cancellara called it, what's a little "sadomaso" between friends?
10. Coolest. Trophy. In. Cycling.
11. No, this is not related. Get well soon 1995 we-love-the-Vuelta champ Laurent Jalabert!
Thursday, March 07, 2013
I Love You, You Love Me, We're a Happy Fam-i--You Suck You Worthless Vermin Dirtbags!
Yay, He's Back!: Geez, just as I was about to complain that Mark Cavendish's newfound happiness at Quick Step was making him into a vomitously saccharine gushing goo-goo-eyed alien pod-person whose brain has clearly been taken over by Smurfs, he's graciously restored my faith in humanity by immediately blaming his teammates for his humiliating 5th-place loss in today's Tirreno-Adriatico. On the plus side, Mr. Sensitive did say he would "talk about my feelings" with his lead-out train tonight. Awwwww. NOW !@#$ IT UP TOMORROW AND I'LL RIP YOUR HEADS OFF YER NECKS WITH MY GIANT TEETH LIKE YER A BAT AT AN OZZY OSBOURNE CONCERT! YAAAAAAAAA! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Here, why he's pissed, and how Gossy takes the win:
You're All Worthless and Weak!: meanwhile, Marianne Vos, natch, has not only already bagged a huge mountain bike event this week, but she's just nailed her first road race of the season as well at the Drentse 8, as well as the top spot on Wheel of Fortune, Project Runway, the Newlywed Game, and the Annual Betty Crocker Cake Mix Cook-Off, which, so far as I can tell, leaves even great rivals like former world champ Giorgia Bronzini and Emma Johansson pretty much scavenging for podium crumbs in her wake. Don't worry though, she still hasn't won a national election in the Ne--oops, hello, Prime Minister!
Sissy-Boy Slap-Fight o' the Week: finally, it's clearly gettin' ugly in ex-doperland, as Floyd Landis snarls that retired Rabobank doping-denier Michael Boogerd, who previously claimed Landis was only accusing him of drug use because Boogerd mortifyingly called him an "arrogant jellyfish", is still only coughing up half-truths now that he's confessed, much less total bull!@#$ artists like Tour de France second-place Oscar Pereiro, who still won't even cop to nothin'. In response to this latest salvo, Boogerd reportedly called Landis a "stuck-up hermit crab" and a "snotty-ass sea slug," while a less eloquent Pereiro merely labeled Floyd a "m!@#$%f!@#$$." I say, forget this whiny little smack-talk--you're tough, right, why not challenge each other to a duel?
Here, why he's pissed, and how Gossy takes the win:
You're All Worthless and Weak!: meanwhile, Marianne Vos, natch, has not only already bagged a huge mountain bike event this week, but she's just nailed her first road race of the season as well at the Drentse 8, as well as the top spot on Wheel of Fortune, Project Runway, the Newlywed Game, and the Annual Betty Crocker Cake Mix Cook-Off, which, so far as I can tell, leaves even great rivals like former world champ Giorgia Bronzini and Emma Johansson pretty much scavenging for podium crumbs in her wake. Don't worry though, she still hasn't won a national election in the Ne--oops, hello, Prime Minister!
Sissy-Boy Slap-Fight o' the Week: finally, it's clearly gettin' ugly in ex-doperland, as Floyd Landis snarls that retired Rabobank doping-denier Michael Boogerd, who previously claimed Landis was only accusing him of drug use because Boogerd mortifyingly called him an "arrogant jellyfish", is still only coughing up half-truths now that he's confessed, much less total bull!@#$ artists like Tour de France second-place Oscar Pereiro, who still won't even cop to nothin'. In response to this latest salvo, Boogerd reportedly called Landis a "stuck-up hermit crab" and a "snotty-ass sea slug," while a less eloquent Pereiro merely labeled Floyd a "m!@#$%f!@#$$." I say, forget this whiny little smack-talk--you're tough, right, why not challenge each other to a duel?
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Thrills! Spills! Chills! Yes, It's Springtime in the Peloton
Te-rain in Sp--Uh, Italy--Falls Main-ly On the Pla-ain: yep, it's not only your fabulous spring racing, but it's also your Tour de France preview, baby, as Tirreno-Adriatico roars off tomorrow with big cheeses Contador Cadel Purito and Froomey staring down and psyching out their Tour rivals, Cav and Sagan plotting mutual destruction, and Cancellara--well, just hoping to get *something* out of his !@#$ experience at RadioSkank in this lifetime. Good luck there Alberto--and Froome, try not to rub the whole "suuuuuure, you don't want to defend the Tour" thing in Wiggo's face too much! Here, yer Tirreno dreamboats macho up for the cameras: 
Let Them Eat Cake: and wow, despite Bernard Hinault continually slamming his country's entire current cycling generation as a pack of lazy talentless babyfied thumb-sucking wuss-weenies, the French *continue* not to blow this week, as not only did shock-victor Blel Kadri bag the Roma Maxima (before Pippo Pozzato erroneously celebrated his own win behind) out from under the Italians, but, atParis-Nice, upstart FDJ rider/French champ Nacer Bouhanni grabbed both a wholly surprising stage win *and* the leader's jersey before a miserable bloody (but fortunately not so serious) next-day crash-out. Get well soon, Nacer--heck knows these guys need you! Tomorrow: a lumpy sumbitch puts on the hurt, honey! Meantime, I stand by my (hopeless) belief that Tom Boonen is merely stealthily *pretending* to be screwed as he desperately works to get his form back in time for the cobblestones. Yeah, keep yappin', wannabes, he'll still kick your !@# at Roubaix! 
It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To: last but not least, in "Ah, JAYSUS already!" news, Sports Illustrated has scored the next desperate image-rehab victim-playing interview with Lance "I Won't Talk to the Press Anymore" Armstrong, this time, apparently, in which Lance is gonna tell all about that time those bastards Floyd and Tyler stole his sports drinks from the fridge in his private jet, and how if he'd only be granted the kind of pissant punishment reserved for laterne-rouge nobodies who are six seconds late to sign-in--which is already way, way harsher than he deserves--*and* he received a groveling knee-scrapin' apology from his lowly-nobody witch-hunt persecutors, he'd generously forgive Travis Tygart for *everything.* Gee, thanks, Lance--I'm sure those guys are just sittin' at home waiting for your benediction!
Let Them Eat Cake: and wow, despite Bernard Hinault continually slamming his country's entire current cycling generation as a pack of lazy talentless babyfied thumb-sucking wuss-weenies, the French *continue* not to blow this week, as not only did shock-victor Blel Kadri bag the Roma Maxima (before Pippo Pozzato erroneously celebrated his own win behind) out from under the Italians, but, at
It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To: last but not least, in "Ah, JAYSUS already!" news, Sports Illustrated has scored the next desperate image-rehab victim-playing interview with Lance "I Won't Talk to the Press Anymore" Armstrong, this time, apparently, in which Lance is gonna tell all about that time those bastards Floyd and Tyler stole his sports drinks from the fridge in his private jet, and how if he'd only be granted the kind of pissant punishment reserved for laterne-rouge nobodies who are six seconds late to sign-in--which is already way, way harsher than he deserves--*and* he received a groveling knee-scrapin' apology from his lowly-nobody witch-hunt persecutors, he'd generously forgive Travis Tygart for *everything.* Gee, thanks, Lance--I'm sure those guys are just sittin' at home waiting for your benediction!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Oh, For !@#$'s *Sake*: In Which I Solve All This Stupid Doping !@#$
Look, particularly now that it's *racing* season, I'm getting deeply irked with all the drug drama suckin' up the headlines. But it's so damn incessant you can't just ignore it--it almost feels dishonest, somehow. So here's one all-encompassing proposal, so we can all get back to loving actual cycling in peace:
1. No, *Indurain* doped? I *get* it. They almost all doped. They're almost all dirtbags, and frankly, Big Mig, Pantani, Cipo, Contador, and all those guys are *still* gonna stay national heroes no matter how much evidence you pile up in front of everybody, so quit wastin' yer breath, suck it up, and move *on* already! And yes, "just" doping *is* different from being a whistleblower-intimidating, bullying, omerta-enforcing goonmeister, so no, both remaining fanboys, Lance *doesn't* get a pass.
2. Still, that doesn't mean some sincere repentance isn't in order. You alive? You doped? You think you beat a clean guy? Give him some dough, hand over the jersey, and apologize. Same to anyone else who gets busted now, with the addition of handing over all the proceeds from yer ill-gotten lucrative endorsement deals. Bonus points if you offer to let 'im kick your !@#. There--done!
3. It's awesome that Mellow Johnny's is giving equal prize money to men and women's mountain bike race winners, and running a great race to boot. But Lance--you're still a !@#$.
4. Anyone who says they paid a doping doc, particularly a gyno, just for "medical" or "training advice" is presumptively a lying sack of crap. Next guy who claims it has to get a full-on annual gynecological exam to prove it's legit. Gentlemen, start your speculums!
5. Anyone who doped and admitted it--great. It's a true service to cycling. Now *shut the hell up* about your poor tormented soul !@#dammit!
6. Any !@#wad directeur sportif who arranged for his riders to dope with medically inept or negligent dip!@#$s gets to have the same procedure done to him/herself. Not to worry, it's all perfectly safe--right?
7. "I only doped until [exact date statute of limitations ran out or lucrative subsequent contract kicked in]." Give us a break already!
8. Face it, if we eliminate all the DSes doped, or had their riders dope, there won't be anyone who knows diddly-squat left to even run the sport. 'Fess up, then shut up--you're in. So Vaughters or (gack) Riis--congratulations. Eki and the rest of you clowns--you're fired.
9. Teams--you're just as disgusting. Rider gets punished, team gets punished. Bet you'll know who your boys are seeing in the off-season *then*!
10. Fellow fans--sadly, people are still doping. Hopefully not as much at the moment, but doping. The narcs *just* developed a new test to detect microdosing? Party on peloton! Am I the *only* one pissed in advance we're gonna have to go through all this 5 years from now, *again*?
So let it be written, so let it be done with. Now let's get on to the fabulous Strade Bianche, and Cancellara--time to show your form!
1. No, *Indurain* doped? I *get* it. They almost all doped. They're almost all dirtbags, and frankly, Big Mig, Pantani, Cipo, Contador, and all those guys are *still* gonna stay national heroes no matter how much evidence you pile up in front of everybody, so quit wastin' yer breath, suck it up, and move *on* already! And yes, "just" doping *is* different from being a whistleblower-intimidating, bullying, omerta-enforcing goonmeister, so no, both remaining fanboys, Lance *doesn't* get a pass.
2. Still, that doesn't mean some sincere repentance isn't in order. You alive? You doped? You think you beat a clean guy? Give him some dough, hand over the jersey, and apologize. Same to anyone else who gets busted now, with the addition of handing over all the proceeds from yer ill-gotten lucrative endorsement deals. Bonus points if you offer to let 'im kick your !@#. There--done!
3. It's awesome that Mellow Johnny's is giving equal prize money to men and women's mountain bike race winners, and running a great race to boot. But Lance--you're still a !@#$.
4. Anyone who says they paid a doping doc, particularly a gyno, just for "medical" or "training advice" is presumptively a lying sack of crap. Next guy who claims it has to get a full-on annual gynecological exam to prove it's legit. Gentlemen, start your speculums!
5. Anyone who doped and admitted it--great. It's a true service to cycling. Now *shut the hell up* about your poor tormented soul !@#dammit!
6. Any !@#wad directeur sportif who arranged for his riders to dope with medically inept or negligent dip!@#$s gets to have the same procedure done to him/herself. Not to worry, it's all perfectly safe--right?
7. "I only doped until [exact date statute of limitations ran out or lucrative subsequent contract kicked in]." Give us a break already!
8. Face it, if we eliminate all the DSes doped, or had their riders dope, there won't be anyone who knows diddly-squat left to even run the sport. 'Fess up, then shut up--you're in. So Vaughters or (gack) Riis--congratulations. Eki and the rest of you clowns--you're fired.
9. Teams--you're just as disgusting. Rider gets punished, team gets punished. Bet you'll know who your boys are seeing in the off-season *then*!
10. Fellow fans--sadly, people are still doping. Hopefully not as much at the moment, but doping. The narcs *just* developed a new test to detect microdosing? Party on peloton! Am I the *only* one pissed in advance we're gonna have to go through all this 5 years from now, *again*?
So let it be written, so let it be done with. Now let's get on to the fabulous Strade Bianche, and Cancellara--time to show your form!
Friday, February 22, 2013
Woo-hoo, We're On the Cobbles, Baby!; and, Andy Schleck Dissed *Again*
Finally!: yes, it's time to kick off the venerable (and painful!) Belgian Classics season at last, baby! The races: the exciting (and cobblier) Omloop Het Nieuwsblad, and the "infernal race with the heavenly finish," Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurnage. The players: a newly-healed Tom Boonen juuuuust testing his form at Omloop, Cav defending his Kuurne title, Thor desperate to show his season-opening win wasn't a one-off, ever-threat Juan Antonio Flecha, the dashing Pippo Pozzato, and, in its virgin appearance on the cobbles, intrepid new African squad MTN-Qhubeka. Most importantly, the weather forecast: bbbrrrrrrr, with a chance of snow for Kuurne on Sunday! Here, Sep Vanmarcke edges Tommeke for last year's Omloop win: Allez allez boys--and good luck staying uprightish!
Sturm und Schleck: last but not least, yap, Vicioso tried to hide from the Op Puerto trial and Eki had to suspend him to keep Katusha's new WorldTour spot, yap, Tyler terrifyingly weed black after Fuentes mangled him, yap--nope, the big news is poor ol' (well, young) Andy Schleck again, as his Grand Tour rivals are already showing impressive form and, cringingly, even his own country writes him off as a hopeless lumpen slacker before the season hardly gets going. Damn, Andy, get your act together already--remember, if you don't, you won't be able to blame scumlord rival tactics or unfortunate equipment failures when you blow it this year!
Sturm und Schleck: last but not least, yap, Vicioso tried to hide from the Op Puerto trial and Eki had to suspend him to keep Katusha's new WorldTour spot, yap, Tyler terrifyingly weed black after Fuentes mangled him, yap--nope, the big news is poor ol' (well, young) Andy Schleck again, as his Grand Tour rivals are already showing impressive form and, cringingly, even his own country writes him off as a hopeless lumpen slacker before the season hardly gets going. Damn, Andy, get your act together already--remember, if you don't, you won't be able to blame scumlord rival tactics or unfortunate equipment failures when you blow it this year!
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Wiggo In Denial, *Again*; Thoooooooooor!; and, Quick Step Goes All "Gangnam Style"
We *Get* It, Bradley, *Jaysus*!: All *right*, Wiggo. You're the only Tour de France winner in history never to want to win it again the least teeny tiny super-miniscule damn-near-invisible sub-atomic bit *ever*. And of course, we are convinced 100% that it has absolutely nothing with the 2012 Tour being a once-in-a-century course seemingly tailor-made just for you, the 2013 Tour being back to its usual hilly self once again, and the 2013 Vuelta set to be even more sadistic, if that's humanly possible, than last year's. Which is why you're so much happier maybe committing to help your TdF team captain/resentful ex-backup man Froome win the big maillot jaune if you feel like it and if you don't have something better to do like mow the lawn or trim your toenails or sit around in a pub crying your eyes out over a beer for three straight weeks in July. We *hear* you, we *believe* you, we swear it--now run off to Jan Ullrich for some tips on safely losing that surprisingly big off-season weight gain, and prove how much you want the Giro by laying it down on the tarmac in May, already!
It's Race Roundup Sunday!: and, suck it Hushovd haters--as if such an undead mutant twisted freak could actually walk the earth, but I digress--as Thor clearly puts his miserable 2012 in the past with a bangin' win at this weekend's Tour de Haut Var, the triumphant Froome exceedingly ticks off Contador, Tony Martin aims to scare the time trial right outta Cancellara this season, and, creepily disconcerting as always, Alejandro "How I Got Out of Yappin' Blood Bags at the Fuentes Trial Sure Beats the Hell Out Of Me, Too" Valverde himself taking the time trial at the Vuelta a Andalucia. Not that I'm suggesting anything here, Alejandro, but remember what happened to Schumacher when he started with that !@#$--dial it back a little, would ya, even if it *is* (as it certainly is) totally legit! And no, it weren't flashy, but here's Thor: Allez allez, big guy!
"Harlem Shake," Whatever: well, newly-serious Belgian studmuffin Tom Boonen may not be doing nekkid shower scenes or posting apres-race massages to porn music on-line anymore, but his Quick Step ("OPQS", whatever) squad has gamely taken up the mantle for him, with a surely prize-winning Dance Fever-worthy performance of their own. Well done, gentlemen--but don't you clowns even *think* of pulling a quad and hosing over Boonen or Cav unless it's during a race this season, you hear!
It's Race Roundup Sunday!: and, suck it Hushovd haters--as if such an undead mutant twisted freak could actually walk the earth, but I digress--as Thor clearly puts his miserable 2012 in the past with a bangin' win at this weekend's Tour de Haut Var, the triumphant Froome exceedingly ticks off Contador, Tony Martin aims to scare the time trial right outta Cancellara this season, and, creepily disconcerting as always, Alejandro "How I Got Out of Yappin' Blood Bags at the Fuentes Trial Sure Beats the Hell Out Of Me, Too" Valverde himself taking the time trial at the Vuelta a Andalucia. Not that I'm suggesting anything here, Alejandro, but remember what happened to Schumacher when he started with that !@#$--dial it back a little, would ya, even if it *is* (as it certainly is) totally legit! And no, it weren't flashy, but here's Thor: Allez allez, big guy!
"Harlem Shake," Whatever: well, newly-serious Belgian studmuffin Tom Boonen may not be doing nekkid shower scenes or posting apres-race massages to porn music on-line anymore, but his Quick Step ("OPQS", whatever) squad has gamely taken up the mantle for him, with a surely prize-winning Dance Fever-worthy performance of their own. Well done, gentlemen--but don't you clowns even *think* of pulling a quad and hosing over Boonen or Cav unless it's during a race this season, you hear!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
It's Yer Valentine's Day Gift List for the Peloton!
The hell with flowers, chocolates, an overpriced dinner at an overpriced restaurant, or that Naughty Nurse outfit you saw in a catalog--our darling peloton could use a *real* token of affection for St. Valentine's Day, and it's up to us to give it to 'em! Ergo:
1. Lance Armstrong: a heart. 'Cause someone's gonna piss 'im off again sometime, and we all know what he does when *that* happens. For the sake of everyone else, someone, give him a heart!
2. Andy Schleck: mojo. The poor boy really, really needs his mojo back. How else can Contador take any pride in kicking his !@# in July?
3. Pat "Dick" McQuaid: a spine. The spine to own up to what he did, whatever it was. The spine to step down. And the spine to respect the sport, the riders, and the fans enough to do it.
4. Marianne Vos: dang, what *do* you give someone who's already won everything she could possibly want? Well then, equal podium babes for the ladies, I say!
5. Johnny Hoogerland: body armor. A light, flexible, comfortable, impenetrable set of full team kit. Nothing says "I love you" like a gift that keeps you in one piece!
6. Purito Rodriguez: a lovely new team and a bangin' new contract. Unless Katusha gets its ProTour license Friday. In which case, Ekimov has to strew rose petals in his path for every single step Rodriguez takes next season. Show him the appreciation he deigned to show you guys this whole time, Eki!
7. Jesus Manzano: a clean bill of health. Jeez, did you *read* that !@#$ he went through at Kelme--no-one, dirty doper or not, deserves that!
8. Mark Cavendish: y'know, he *did* step in for Tom Boonen at the last minute in Qatar, to quite brilliant effect. I mean, the race don't ride itself. Give Cav the green jersey at the Tour!
Well, dear reader(s), them's my sweet wishes for the sport we hold so dear. So pop yourselves some champagne, feel the love, and enjoy the season ahead!
1. Lance Armstrong: a heart. 'Cause someone's gonna piss 'im off again sometime, and we all know what he does when *that* happens. For the sake of everyone else, someone, give him a heart!
2. Andy Schleck: mojo. The poor boy really, really needs his mojo back. How else can Contador take any pride in kicking his !@# in July?
3. Pat "Dick" McQuaid: a spine. The spine to own up to what he did, whatever it was. The spine to step down. And the spine to respect the sport, the riders, and the fans enough to do it.
4. Marianne Vos: dang, what *do* you give someone who's already won everything she could possibly want? Well then, equal podium babes for the ladies, I say!
5. Johnny Hoogerland: body armor. A light, flexible, comfortable, impenetrable set of full team kit. Nothing says "I love you" like a gift that keeps you in one piece!
6. Purito Rodriguez: a lovely new team and a bangin' new contract. Unless Katusha gets its ProTour license Friday. In which case, Ekimov has to strew rose petals in his path for every single step Rodriguez takes next season. Show him the appreciation he deigned to show you guys this whole time, Eki!
7. Jesus Manzano: a clean bill of health. Jeez, did you *read* that !@#$ he went through at Kelme--no-one, dirty doper or not, deserves that!
8. Mark Cavendish: y'know, he *did* step in for Tom Boonen at the last minute in Qatar, to quite brilliant effect. I mean, the race don't ride itself. Give Cav the green jersey at the Tour!
Well, dear reader(s), them's my sweet wishes for the sport we hold so dear. So pop yourselves some champagne, feel the love, and enjoy the season ahead!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
A UCI Love-In! A Spanish/Italian Bloodbagapalooza! A Saganarama!
Age of Aquarius: yes, it's just all peace, love, and--surprise!--total impotence at UCI, as they finally confront on the hard questions like, how much exactly did you cover for Armstrong? why do you only go after cyclists who piss you off? and, how come you haven't caught anyone higher'n a cul-de-sac tricycle rider for the last five years? with this scorched-earth, once-and-for-all solution to the scourge of doping in cycling: come bang on a snare drum in the woods chanting around a campfire wearing a loincloth, and, like, share your innermost feelings with us, man! Gee, *thanks*, Captain Love-In, *that* oughta solve all our problems! Oh, fine, break out the body paint Pat "Dick", we can all just paint flowers and peace signs on each others' torsos while you ignore everyone who could possibly change cycling for the better, *again*...
"Danger" to Public Health? But Fuentes Doped Me Up Just *Dandy*, Thank You Very Much!: and, as Ivan "So Close, But Yet So Far" Basso tries to sell the same ol' "I only attempted to dope" snake oil again, and the far more plausible we love (shut up! is too! I'm in my happy place!) Joseba Beloki claims never to have met Dr. Eufemiano "Gyno to the Male Stars" Fuentes at all, legendary pin-up/sprint icon Mario Cipollini has just dodged a close one: apparently, the Italian narcs are already calling off their new investigation into his highly suspicious links to Fuentes because, the good Dr. has reportedly testified, the 70,000 euros Cipo gave to him was not for blood doping, or even the notoriously bull!@#$ "training advice," but for a strict and highly complicated regime of chest-hair waxing. Saved by the manscaping, Lion King--now cough up who frosted your highlights, or we're gonna slap your !@# in prison!
Hasta la Vista, Baby!: finally, in actual race news, it sure looks like Peter "The Terminator" Sagan is getting ready to whomp on his fast-men competitors in the big races, as he starts his season off with a sharp attack and the lead at the Tour of Oman. Watch out, Cav, and don't get too smug, Classics men--swooning fan club or not, this flashy kid's set to take you *on*! Here, the win on the day:
"Danger" to Public Health? But Fuentes Doped Me Up Just *Dandy*, Thank You Very Much!: and, as Ivan "So Close, But Yet So Far" Basso tries to sell the same ol' "I only attempted to dope" snake oil again, and the far more plausible we love (shut up! is too! I'm in my happy place!) Joseba Beloki claims never to have met Dr. Eufemiano "Gyno to the Male Stars" Fuentes at all, legendary pin-up/sprint icon Mario Cipollini has just dodged a close one: apparently, the Italian narcs are already calling off their new investigation into his highly suspicious links to Fuentes because, the good Dr. has reportedly testified, the 70,000 euros Cipo gave to him was not for blood doping, or even the notoriously bull!@#$ "training advice," but for a strict and highly complicated regime of chest-hair waxing. Saved by the manscaping, Lion King--now cough up who frosted your highlights, or we're gonna slap your !@# in prison!
Hasta la Vista, Baby!: finally, in actual race news, it sure looks like Peter "The Terminator" Sagan is getting ready to whomp on his fast-men competitors in the big races, as he starts his season off with a sharp attack and the lead at the Tour of Oman. Watch out, Cav, and don't get too smug, Classics men--swooning fan club or not, this flashy kid's set to take you *on*! Here, the win on the day:
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Cav! Fabian! Schleck! Hoogerland! and, Get Yer Red-Hot Lance Memorabilia Here
The Fast 'n' the Furious: yep, this season's sprint wars are already heating up, with Mark Cavendish already bagging Tom Boonen's wins at the Tour of Qatar and happily snarking about leaving the soulless lying corporate robots at Sky behind for the beer-snarfin' Belgian party-boys at Quick Step, Andre Greipel winning pretty much every race he's entered this season, and ever-good-guy Tyler Farrar nearly recovered physically and mentally from his bloody, miserable 2012. A small gripe: I gotta say, we're already kinda putting poor Greipel at an automatic fan disadvantage here in the who-you-gonna-root-for psychological-warfare contest. I mean, Mark "the Manx Missile" just sounds cool, but all Andre gets is the "German Gorilla"? Dang, why not just call him the Big Ol' Leaden Lumpwad whydontcha...
Andy Schleck Is Scr*wed! (So What Else is New): and, no luck *again* for the perpetually-hosed Andy "Jaysus, Can't I Finish Just *One F!@#$in' Race*" Schleck, now thwapped by a respiratory infection outta the Tour of the Mediterranean, tho' there may be some saving grace in that, having apparently threatened to whine Cancellara to death, Spartacus now sez he's still considering riding shotgun for the boy at the Tour de France. Andy, you're a great rider, but even Cancellara can't hold on to your handlebars on the downhills...anyway, feel better quick, so at least you've got a fighting chance in July!
Hoogerland Report: meantime, Johnny "Barbed Wire" Hoogerland is now close to hearing when he's gonna be free from the hospital after his vicious training crash with a car, and, while he's still got five broken ribs, some fractured vertebrae, and a host of other unpleasant wounds, it thankfully appears his liver is not actually as hard-hit as initially thought. Thank goodness for (very) small mercies, Hoogerland--now rest up, get well, and we'll see you back on the bike when you're ready!
And, If You Order Now, We'll Send You a Second One *Free*!: finally, as (insert acronym here) threatens to investigate/not investigate Lance Armstrong if he doesn't/does cooperate with (insert name of guy delusional LA fanboys still hate), it occurred to me, in the midst of the most notorious doping scandal in history, that you might wanna get yer Lance memorabilia before it skyrockets in value, which led me to this: yep, a genuine signed LA magazine is already gonna run you a brutal 8 buckaroos, my friend, so buy now to ensure yer comfortable retirement later! See, Lance, we *do* still care....
Saturday, February 02, 2013
It's Operacion Bull!@#$! LL Cool Sanchez Just Busted! And, Yer Race News Roundup
If You're Gonna Do It, Do It Right (Do It With Me): look, we all know the Spanish have long held a, well, business-like view of doping. Which is why it seems particularly ridiculous to have a whole !@#damn tribunal just to establish that--prior to the enactment of actual *anti*-doping legislation in the wake of the Operacion Puerto scandal--they basically did it really well. I mean, you've got Dr. Eufemiano "Gyno to the Male Stars" Fuentes swearing he drugged his clients to the highest standards of cleanliness, sniffing he wouldn't even treat lying rat-witness Jesus Manzano because he did coke for fun which unlike cheating honest athletes out of race wins by stuffing riders full of banned drugs is morally wrong, offering to name names and being shut up by the judge, you've got ONCE/Liberty Seguros mastermind Manolo Saiz saying sure he gave his riders express permission to see Fuentes and happened to be carrying 60,000 euro to pay him at a cafe but it's not like he thought the boys'd actually take him up on it, and the worst-case scenario here is "Naughty Fuentes, you oughta have doped 'em better?" No, we don't want any rider pulling a Riccardo Ricco' and damn near killing themselves with their own stupidity, and yes, it's important that the full story of cycling's shameful history comes out--but now that doping's actually legally *bad* in Spain, why not focus on those more recent scenarios instead? Oh, wait....
Oh, Give It *Up*, Rabobank!: meantime, I wholly believe that Rabobank--which was surely, like UCI, already aware that near-Tour de France winner Michael Rasmussen had missed pre-Tour doping controls before righteously yankin' him outta the race only when everybody else found about it--was shocked to find out that he'd been doping ALONG WITH EVERY OTHER FREAKIN' RIDER ON THEIR TEAM. But what strikes me as particularly moronic is that *today* it's gone and suspended former ONCE/Liberty Seguros prodigy LL Cool Sanchez, who was publicly linked to Operacion Puerto back in 2006 for chrissakes but is only now being found out by a team management who's apparently been reading their newspapers in reverse order for the last 7 years. Not to excuse him for being just an impressionable, bright-eyed kid at the time--which he was, right along with then-fellow nobody Alberto Contador--but can we all quit this idiot fakery where we all buy that no-one's been doping since 2006? Except the Chicken. And Armstrong. And Schleck. And Contador. And...
Wait, People "Race Bikes" In This Sport?: and, in actual riding news this week, Fabian Cancellara's decided to bail on the Tour de France--leaving, if humanly possible, the already Frank-less Andy Schleck even more screwed in July--the 'crossers don their scuba gear for today's flood-ravaged Worlds in Kentucky, Kirsten Wild tore up the tarmac and scared the crap outta her fellow sprinters the whole Ladies Tour of Qatar, and the menfolk get ready to head out on the desert tomorrow. Wow Cav, you're pretty sharp, but even you don't always whale on 'em like this:
Oh, Give It *Up*, Rabobank!: meantime, I wholly believe that Rabobank--which was surely, like UCI, already aware that near-Tour de France winner Michael Rasmussen had missed pre-Tour doping controls before righteously yankin' him outta the race only when everybody else found about it--was shocked to find out that he'd been doping ALONG WITH EVERY OTHER FREAKIN' RIDER ON THEIR TEAM. But what strikes me as particularly moronic is that *today* it's gone and suspended former ONCE/Liberty Seguros prodigy LL Cool Sanchez, who was publicly linked to Operacion Puerto back in 2006 for chrissakes but is only now being found out by a team management who's apparently been reading their newspapers in reverse order for the last 7 years. Not to excuse him for being just an impressionable, bright-eyed kid at the time--which he was, right along with then-fellow nobody Alberto Contador--but can we all quit this idiot fakery where we all buy that no-one's been doping since 2006? Except the Chicken. And Armstrong. And Schleck. And Contador. And...
Wait, People "Race Bikes" In This Sport?: and, in actual riding news this week, Fabian Cancellara's decided to bail on the Tour de France--leaving, if humanly possible, the already Frank-less Andy Schleck even more screwed in July--the 'crossers don their scuba gear for today's flood-ravaged Worlds in Kentucky, Kirsten Wild tore up the tarmac and scared the crap outta her fellow sprinters the whole Ladies Tour of Qatar, and the menfolk get ready to head out on the desert tomorrow. Wow Cav, you're pretty sharp, but even you don't always whale on 'em like this:
Monday, January 28, 2013
Uh, "Truth And Reconciliation" Means *I* Get Amnesty, Right?; and, Andy Schleck Throws a Snit
Pat "Dick" McQuaid, Cowardly Tool: so, having successfully emasculated its own "Independent Commission" looking at UCI links to the Lance Armstrong doping affair, UCI has now managed to use its own sabotage as an excuse to shut the thing down entirely, saying since unfortunately USADA and WADA no longer have faith in the inquiry, they'll just have to form a general Truth and Reconciliation Commission instead, which, sadly, won't see the light of day til at least the end of the year. Pat, I'm so *glad* you're part of cycling's New Clean Era--at least, I sure bet Armstrong is!
Man, When Jens Calls You Out, You *Know* You !@#$ed Up: meanwhile, as cool arch-rival Contador nailed a hilly stage win at the Tour de San Luis, and just days after a charmingly optimistic Andy Schleck waxed poetic about his return to the peloton after his disastrous 2012 season--raising hopes he was not only physically but, for once, mentally ready for the challenges ahead at the Tour--Andy not only DNFd at the Tour Down Under on the final day's circuit due to a mechanical problem, but also flew into a petulant snit and unsportingly skipped the podium for the team classification, which RadioSkank, thanks to Jens being a god, actually won. Anyone else concerned that at this rate, if Andy don't get his *exactly* his way in July, he's gonna pull an Armstrong and be a petty little beeyotch to Contador on the podium? Here, not to rub it in or nothin', but Alberto goes for the win:
Now *That's* a Post-Racing Career: Can't quite score one of those rare-yet-lucrative DS gigs, haven't got the mad skills to be a ProTour mechanic, and don't want to be a lowly also-ran drug-mule for the cycling starts of today? Well, then, ex-riders, follow the ultra-cool example of former Lion King lead-outPaolo Fornaciari, who not only opened his own gourmet gelato shop after retirement, but also just won the World Championships in the discipline. For those of you (okay, us) with gelato fetishes, his winning concoction, "Macho Macho" (named after the ingredients, not, surprisingly, Cipollini's chest hair) was an almond gelato base with ribbons of bitter-orange marmalade and chocolate fondant, covered with slightly caramelized toasted almonds. Complimenti Paolo--and Landis, *see* what you could've become instead?!
Man, When Jens Calls You Out, You *Know* You !@#$ed Up: meanwhile, as cool arch-rival Contador nailed a hilly stage win at the Tour de San Luis, and just days after a charmingly optimistic Andy Schleck waxed poetic about his return to the peloton after his disastrous 2012 season--raising hopes he was not only physically but, for once, mentally ready for the challenges ahead at the Tour--Andy not only DNFd at the Tour Down Under on the final day's circuit due to a mechanical problem, but also flew into a petulant snit and unsportingly skipped the podium for the team classification, which RadioSkank, thanks to Jens being a god, actually won. Anyone else concerned that at this rate, if Andy don't get his *exactly* his way in July, he's gonna pull an Armstrong and be a petty little beeyotch to Contador on the podium? Here, not to rub it in or nothin', but Alberto goes for the win:
Now *That's* a Post-Racing Career: Can't quite score one of those rare-yet-lucrative DS gigs, haven't got the mad skills to be a ProTour mechanic, and don't want to be a lowly also-ran drug-mule for the cycling starts of today? Well, then, ex-riders, follow the ultra-cool example of former Lion King lead-outPaolo Fornaciari, who not only opened his own gourmet gelato shop after retirement, but also just won the World Championships in the discipline. For those of you (okay, us) with gelato fetishes, his winning concoction, "Macho Macho" (named after the ingredients, not, surprisingly, Cipollini's chest hair) was an almond gelato base with ribbons of bitter-orange marmalade and chocolate fondant, covered with slightly caramelized toasted almonds. Complimenti Paolo--and Landis, *see* what you could've become instead?!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Hein Verbruggen Bull!@#$ Alert!; and, Floyd Victims, Claim Yer Dough!
Now, That's Just Embarrassing: yes, in the latest CYA salvo, UCI ex-honcho/present PR nightmare Hein Verbruggen is defending its dirtbag-enabler practice of warning drug cheats that they were in serious danger of being busted, now on the grounds on that it was all nobly meant to "protect clean riders," because apparently, you "protect clean riders" by giving the dopers a heads-up to manipulate their blood values and snort those masking agents a little more carefully next time. Gee, *thanks*, Hein--why not protect the clean riders by actively sticking a giant drug-stuffed needle in the dopers' !@#es at the start line next time? *That'd* help the clean guys! Or, you could just slash their tires while they're waiting for the peloton to head off. Or, you could toss a coupla 50-pound lead weights in their musettes at the bottom of a climb. Or...
Money (That's What I Want): meanwhile, I see the FBI's sent out letters to the sweetly innocent donor-victims of the Floyd Fairness Fund informing 'em of their rights, but for my money, even better'n restitution--particularly if Floyd should run outta cash--would be some good ol' fashioned labor: y'know, he could come to your house and fix that leaky faucet, grout the bathtub, clean out your basement, all sorts of useful stuff. Hmmm, maybe I oughta call Armstrong about those posters I need framed--seems like he did a pretty good job with those seven yellow jerseys he posed under in his man-cave!
Brad Wiggins, Seeker of Anonymity: and, it seems Brad "I Hate the Press! Hey, Where Are You Guys Going?!" Wiggins has come back to earth about his chances to defend his Tour de France and decided to focus his energies on the perfect Giro, and, as I particularly hate to see anyone use either the superior Giro d'Italia or the Vuelta a Espana as a runner-up-!@#$% race for the Tour, I thought he just might want to take a peek at primo GC threat Vincenzo Nibali, who is apparently working hard to hone his time trial form:
Better watch out for him, Wiggo--'cause you ain't gonna have Froomey to balance 'im out in the mountains come May!
Speed Racer: last but not least, a big happy shout-out to Andre Greipel and Mark Cavendish, both starting off the Tour Down Under and Tour de San Luis with some respectable wins, and for Cav, anyway, laying waste to any doubts whatsoever about his spankin' new lead-out train. I got my own opinions on the sprint finishes, but I'm 100% sure Cav can take Andre in the smack-talk insult wars, so Andre, you might want to step it up on that front before the Manx Missile really puts on the hurt!
Money (That's What I Want): meanwhile, I see the FBI's sent out letters to the sweetly innocent donor-victims of the Floyd Fairness Fund informing 'em of their rights, but for my money, even better'n restitution--particularly if Floyd should run outta cash--would be some good ol' fashioned labor: y'know, he could come to your house and fix that leaky faucet, grout the bathtub, clean out your basement, all sorts of useful stuff. Hmmm, maybe I oughta call Armstrong about those posters I need framed--seems like he did a pretty good job with those seven yellow jerseys he posed under in his man-cave!
Brad Wiggins, Seeker of Anonymity: and, it seems Brad "I Hate the Press! Hey, Where Are You Guys Going?!" Wiggins has come back to earth about his chances to defend his Tour de France and decided to focus his energies on the perfect Giro, and, as I particularly hate to see anyone use either the superior Giro d'Italia or the Vuelta a Espana as a runner-up-!@#$% race for the Tour, I thought he just might want to take a peek at primo GC threat Vincenzo Nibali, who is apparently working hard to hone his time trial form:
Better watch out for him, Wiggo--'cause you ain't gonna have Froomey to balance 'im out in the mountains come May!Speed Racer: last but not least, a big happy shout-out to Andre Greipel and Mark Cavendish, both starting off the Tour Down Under and Tour de San Luis with some respectable wins, and for Cav, anyway, laying waste to any doubts whatsoever about his spankin' new lead-out train. I got my own opinions on the sprint finishes, but I'm 100% sure Cav can take Andre in the smack-talk insult wars, so Andre, you might want to step it up on that front before the Manx Missile really puts on the hurt!
Monday, January 21, 2013
UCI Celebrates Lance's Silence: Truth and Reconciliation Can Suck It, Baby!
Woo-Hoo, Let's All Go Out for a Pint Instead!: yes, in their strongest effort yet to clean up and keep clean the sport we love, the UCI independent commission on Fixing This Whole !@#damn Mortifying Mess is really putting the hammer down on a petrified peloton--they're...uh, well, it's flurrying out today, so they're not gonna meet at all. Y'know, when Pat "Dick" McQuaid was a whippersnapper, he had to trudge to and from UCI headquarters uphill, in both directions, barefoot, through 3 feet of snow, a blinding blizzard, a howling nor'easter, biting sleet, beating sun, two tornadoes, three hurricanes and an earthquake, and he *still* managed to protect and enable every single cash-cow doper-celebrity cheater-dirtbag in the entire peloton, you quivering cowering whimpering weenies! Oh, man, better just draft a buncha Belgian hardmen to get the job done instead...
Injury Alert!: and holy cow (hmm, I should've saved that for some ancient-history Contador crack), best wishes for a speedy recovery for Classics god Tom Boonen, whose innocuous scrape on the elbow during a mountain-bike ride apparently turned into a swollen season-threatening mess and was just operated on in Belgium. Get *well*, Tommeke--if Fabian or any of those guys are gonna try to take you down on the cobbles, it's only fair they have to beat you at your best!
And We're Off!: finally, as Alberto Contador contemplates the hopeless Giro-Tour double--what, you *trying* to give Andy Schleck some false hope for July, you wisenheimer?--the indomitable Jens has started off the season in grand fashion at the Tour Down Under pre-crit, figuring "I may as well do something stupid and get it going.” Not to be outdone, Cav, Petacchi, Rodriguez (still tragically stuck with Katusha), Tejay, Thor (come back, Thor!) and Nibali test the legs, try the new lead-outs, and size up the competition at the Tour de San Luis. Please, dear peloton, *anything* to purge the last two weeks outta every lovin' cycling fan's head--now get on the road, get crackin', and remind us why we keep watching you clowns! Here, Saxo-Tinkoff gets its groove on:
Injury Alert!: and holy cow (hmm, I should've saved that for some ancient-history Contador crack), best wishes for a speedy recovery for Classics god Tom Boonen, whose innocuous scrape on the elbow during a mountain-bike ride apparently turned into a swollen season-threatening mess and was just operated on in Belgium. Get *well*, Tommeke--if Fabian or any of those guys are gonna try to take you down on the cobbles, it's only fair they have to beat you at your best!
And We're Off!: finally, as Alberto Contador contemplates the hopeless Giro-Tour double--what, you *trying* to give Andy Schleck some false hope for July, you wisenheimer?--the indomitable Jens has started off the season in grand fashion at the Tour Down Under pre-crit, figuring "I may as well do something stupid and get it going.” Not to be outdone, Cav, Petacchi, Rodriguez (still tragically stuck with Katusha), Tejay, Thor (come back, Thor!) and Nibali test the legs, try the new lead-outs, and size up the competition at the Tour de San Luis. Please, dear peloton, *anything* to purge the last two weeks outta every lovin' cycling fan's head--now get on the road, get crackin', and remind us why we keep watching you clowns! Here, Saxo-Tinkoff gets its groove on:
Friday, January 18, 2013
It's the Lance/Oprah Interview Racejunkie Awards!
Yes folks, I usually don't throw a huge glitzy Oscar-esque awards show just for a one-off (well, two-off) event, but this slutfest debacle was so very special it more'n deserves one of its own. Prizes: seven dirt-black swill-covered jerseys, and Lance gets twenty minutes alone and defenseless in a dark room with Frankie, Betsy, Emma, Floyd, Tyler, Simeoni, and...damn, who *doesn't* this goon deserves twenty minutes with? Anyhoo, here they are....
Understatement o' the Century: "I am an arrogant prick." Even better than "I am not the most credible guy in the world right now!"
What the !@#$...Hey, Why Me?! Award: *really*? All the people he coulda thrown under the bus, and he calls Christian Vande Velde a liar for saying he was pressured to dope? I mean, okay, CVV cheated and profited handsomely by it, the guy's no saint, but geez, throw the freakin' Easter Bunny under the bus whydontcha?
I Am the World's Most Colossal !@#hole Award: I destroyed so many people for telling the truth about me I don't even *remember* 'em anymore--ha ha! Gee, Lance, I bet Emma--y'know, the one you basically called a drunken whore whose entire life you wrecked--remembers it pretty well! *What* a wanker...
Corollary Sensitive New Age Guy Statuette: sure, I called Betsy Andreu a crazy, lying bitch--but hey, at least I didn't say she was fat! Oh, Lance, the hits just keep on comin'...
My Handlers Went Over This Veeeery Thoroughly With Me Prize: I did not dope or perjure myself within the statute of limitations. I did not dope or perjure myself within the statute of limitations. I did not dope or perjure myself within the statute of limitations. Because spending 3 tranquillo years outta the peloton just about guarantees a guy a Tour podium, you weasel!
Holy Crap, the Poor Boy is Delusional Award: All the !@#$ you did and you still think you were on a "level playing field" with the other dimwit hotel-fridge internet-supplement dope fiends? See, Jan, forget the power, the money, the payoffs, the team of superhuman minions, the cutting edge technology, the warnings about doping controls...he'd'a beat you all along anyway...
Is That Violins Playing? Prize: Wah, wah, wah. So how come every child of a single mom isn't a ruthless lying cheating scumwad?
Weren't You Listening, You Morons?! Award: that was *UCI* I bought off, not USADA! Learn your acronyms you ignorant twits...
Let Them Eat Cake Clueless Whine o' the Interview: oh, he's sorry all right--sorry he lost a sweet $75 mil, that is. Phew, good thing he can still afford to sprinkle diamonds on his Wheaties for breakfast!
And the Moral Of the Story Is Smarmy Wrap-Up o' 2013: the truth shall set you free, baby. And I *still* ain't saying the half of it--suckers!
Well, dear readers, them's mine, and if I missed any awards he should've gotten, I hope you'll award 'em for me. Now let's all take a loooooooooooooooong hot shower 'til we finally feel clean again, remember why we still all love this sordid sport, and get ready for the Tour Down Under, baby!
Understatement o' the Century: "I am an arrogant prick." Even better than "I am not the most credible guy in the world right now!"
What the !@#$...Hey, Why Me?! Award: *really*? All the people he coulda thrown under the bus, and he calls Christian Vande Velde a liar for saying he was pressured to dope? I mean, okay, CVV cheated and profited handsomely by it, the guy's no saint, but geez, throw the freakin' Easter Bunny under the bus whydontcha?
I Am the World's Most Colossal !@#hole Award: I destroyed so many people for telling the truth about me I don't even *remember* 'em anymore--ha ha! Gee, Lance, I bet Emma--y'know, the one you basically called a drunken whore whose entire life you wrecked--remembers it pretty well! *What* a wanker...
Corollary Sensitive New Age Guy Statuette: sure, I called Betsy Andreu a crazy, lying bitch--but hey, at least I didn't say she was fat! Oh, Lance, the hits just keep on comin'...
My Handlers Went Over This Veeeery Thoroughly With Me Prize: I did not dope or perjure myself within the statute of limitations. I did not dope or perjure myself within the statute of limitations. I did not dope or perjure myself within the statute of limitations. Because spending 3 tranquillo years outta the peloton just about guarantees a guy a Tour podium, you weasel!
Holy Crap, the Poor Boy is Delusional Award: All the !@#$ you did and you still think you were on a "level playing field" with the other dimwit hotel-fridge internet-supplement dope fiends? See, Jan, forget the power, the money, the payoffs, the team of superhuman minions, the cutting edge technology, the warnings about doping controls...he'd'a beat you all along anyway...
Is That Violins Playing? Prize: Wah, wah, wah. So how come every child of a single mom isn't a ruthless lying cheating scumwad?
Weren't You Listening, You Morons?! Award: that was *UCI* I bought off, not USADA! Learn your acronyms you ignorant twits...
Let Them Eat Cake Clueless Whine o' the Interview: oh, he's sorry all right--sorry he lost a sweet $75 mil, that is. Phew, good thing he can still afford to sprinkle diamonds on his Wheaties for breakfast!
And the Moral Of the Story Is Smarmy Wrap-Up o' 2013: the truth shall set you free, baby. And I *still* ain't saying the half of it--suckers!
Well, dear readers, them's mine, and if I missed any awards he should've gotten, I hope you'll award 'em for me. Now let's all take a loooooooooooooooong hot shower 'til we finally feel clean again, remember why we still all love this sordid sport, and get ready for the Tour Down Under, baby!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
It's He-eeeeeere--the Lance/Oprah Interview Transcript!
Voice-Over: Cancer survivor. Icon. Inspiration to millions. Seven-time winner of the Tour de France. And now, shadowed by controversy. Today, my candid, no-holds-barred interview with the one and only Lance Armstrong.
Oprah Winfrey: Lance, I understand you had a difficult childhood. Tell us what that was like.
Lance Armstrong: It was awful. (Tries to cry; rubs chili pepper in corner of eye instead)
OW: Mine, too. And like you, I triumphed over terrible adversity. Tell us what that was like.
LA: Well, I found solace in sports. And I triumphed over terrible adversity.
OW: That's so inspiring. What happened next?
LA: I found out that I was good at cycling.
OW: Now, "cycling," what is that?
LA: It's when a bunch of snotty Europeans with foreign accents wear stupid spandex outfits and stuff themselves with illegal drugs biking all over socialist countries for money.
OW: That sounds terrible.
LA: It is. Then, I discovered I was sick.
OW: And thankfully, you triumphed over that.
LA: Yes. And I set out to become an even better cyclist than I had been.
OW: That's so inspiring. And how did you do that?
LA: Well, I worked hard, which is the American way. Also, I did what I had to do, but only because a guy named Johan Bruyneel made me do it.
OW: That name sounds European. It must have been very difficult for you.
LA: It was. And I told my teammates that if they didn't do what I had do too, I would crush them like vermin and they would be consigned to the dustbin of history.
OW: That must have been so inspiring for them. Then what?
LA: Well, I donated a bunch of money to organizations who could bust me for just trying to compete equally with everyone else. Just so they could buy nice new lab equipment though.
OW: That's so generous of you. So what happened next?
LA: Well, I kept on beating Europeans. And I'm American. So that's, like, better.
OW: So you inspired millions of young Americans to become cyclists. That's so inspiring. Now, there's something you're not telling us.
LA: Well, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it...
OW: That's so humble of you. But you started an incredibly successful organization dedicating to fighting cancer that inspired millions of people, didn't you?
LA: Well, yes. And I used that to shut up my critics. Who were Europeans, and a bunch of European-lovers, who also wear stupid spandex clothes, ride their bikes on the roads where there are supposed to be pickup trucks, and eat, like, these ridiculous tiny "energy gels" instead of barbecue.
OW: I love my yellow bracelet. But while you were inspiring millions, something was terribly wrong, wasn't it?
LA: Yes. Some of my teammates tried to have their own careers. With Europeans.
OW: That must have been heartbreaking.
LA: Yes (rubs chili pepper into eye again). Then, a bunch of other guys got busted for doping.
OW: Now, "doping," what is that?
LA: It's what I did better than anyone else. Because I'm American.
OW: That's fantastic. So why was that bad?
LA: Well, a bunch of bitter has-beens were out to get me. Just because I tried to destroy their lives for telling the truth about me.
OW: That must have been horrible for you.
LA: Yes. And then, I called Floyd Landis, Tyler Hamilton and Greg LeMond to apologize even though I hadn't done anything wrong, and they were totally mean to me.
OW: Who?
LA: Well, they're--
OW: So you apologize for nothing to some people we've never heard of, and they were mean to you. How selfish and uncaring of them.
LA: It was.
OW: And yet you triumphed over that pain. That's so inspiring. Lance, let's lay it on the line for all the world to hear: is there anything else you want to tell us?
LA: Yes. I did this all for me. Me, ME, M--(Rolex-clad forearm appears from off-camera, whacks Lance upside the head)--my children. And my fans. And for America.
OW: Lance, thank you for sharing your story with us. It's very inspiring. And if you look under your chair, you'll find the keys to a BRAND NEW PRIUS!
LA: (Shrieks with delight and jumps up and down clapping his hands as credits roll)
Oprah Winfrey: Lance, I understand you had a difficult childhood. Tell us what that was like.
Lance Armstrong: It was awful. (Tries to cry; rubs chili pepper in corner of eye instead)
OW: Mine, too. And like you, I triumphed over terrible adversity. Tell us what that was like.
LA: Well, I found solace in sports. And I triumphed over terrible adversity.
OW: That's so inspiring. What happened next?
LA: I found out that I was good at cycling.
OW: Now, "cycling," what is that?
LA: It's when a bunch of snotty Europeans with foreign accents wear stupid spandex outfits and stuff themselves with illegal drugs biking all over socialist countries for money.
OW: That sounds terrible.
LA: It is. Then, I discovered I was sick.
OW: And thankfully, you triumphed over that.
LA: Yes. And I set out to become an even better cyclist than I had been.
OW: That's so inspiring. And how did you do that?
LA: Well, I worked hard, which is the American way. Also, I did what I had to do, but only because a guy named Johan Bruyneel made me do it.
OW: That name sounds European. It must have been very difficult for you.
LA: It was. And I told my teammates that if they didn't do what I had do too, I would crush them like vermin and they would be consigned to the dustbin of history.
OW: That must have been so inspiring for them. Then what?
LA: Well, I donated a bunch of money to organizations who could bust me for just trying to compete equally with everyone else. Just so they could buy nice new lab equipment though.
OW: That's so generous of you. So what happened next?
LA: Well, I kept on beating Europeans. And I'm American. So that's, like, better.
OW: So you inspired millions of young Americans to become cyclists. That's so inspiring. Now, there's something you're not telling us.
LA: Well, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it...
OW: That's so humble of you. But you started an incredibly successful organization dedicating to fighting cancer that inspired millions of people, didn't you?
LA: Well, yes. And I used that to shut up my critics. Who were Europeans, and a bunch of European-lovers, who also wear stupid spandex clothes, ride their bikes on the roads where there are supposed to be pickup trucks, and eat, like, these ridiculous tiny "energy gels" instead of barbecue.
OW: I love my yellow bracelet. But while you were inspiring millions, something was terribly wrong, wasn't it?
LA: Yes. Some of my teammates tried to have their own careers. With Europeans.
OW: That must have been heartbreaking.
LA: Yes (rubs chili pepper into eye again). Then, a bunch of other guys got busted for doping.
OW: Now, "doping," what is that?
LA: It's what I did better than anyone else. Because I'm American.
OW: That's fantastic. So why was that bad?
LA: Well, a bunch of bitter has-beens were out to get me. Just because I tried to destroy their lives for telling the truth about me.
OW: That must have been horrible for you.
LA: Yes. And then, I called Floyd Landis, Tyler Hamilton and Greg LeMond to apologize even though I hadn't done anything wrong, and they were totally mean to me.
OW: Who?
LA: Well, they're--
OW: So you apologize for nothing to some people we've never heard of, and they were mean to you. How selfish and uncaring of them.
LA: It was.
OW: And yet you triumphed over that pain. That's so inspiring. Lance, let's lay it on the line for all the world to hear: is there anything else you want to tell us?
LA: Yes. I did this all for me. Me, ME, M--(Rolex-clad forearm appears from off-camera, whacks Lance upside the head)--my children. And my fans. And for America.
OW: Lance, thank you for sharing your story with us. It's very inspiring. And if you look under your chair, you'll find the keys to a BRAND NEW PRIUS!
LA: (Shrieks with delight and jumps up and down clapping his hands as credits roll)
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