Ride, Ride Like the Wind, Alberto!

'Cause You Might As Well Do It Before CAS Bans Your !@#!: yes, cycling freaks, our ethereally graceful (and you'd be 'ethereal' too, if *you'd* had that much blood removed for storage--allegedly!) climber supremo Alberto Contador is off the hook and cleared to ride the Tour de France, which means that at least for now (1) somewhere, some Spanish narc is clearly on a monster dose of hallucinogens and (2) somewhere, Bjarne Riis is on his knees burning incense before an altar of yellow jerseys and praying to every god he can call on that somehow this thing's gonna hold up. Champagne for everyone--hey, you--put down that syringe--I said "champagne"!

To be fair, however--and it ain't easy, alright?--it is indeed possible, and I hope actually true as our faithful PJ believes, that our poor Contador ingested the Clenbuterol from tainted beef and, considering what !@## 90% of the peloton is apparently on, he could've intentionally snarfed an entire herd in some grotesque US-style barbecue-eating contest frankly and it still wouldn't've put him on a higher level than his filthy compatriots anyway. Either way, I'm happy to say with confidence that with Contador back in number 1 and gunning to avenge his tainted rep, we won't be stuck with some totally lame snoozefest in the mountains come July. And heck, if Schleck & everyone can't beat Alberto fair and square, they can always resort to whining bitter slanderous innuendo at their press conferences! Here, let's save Alberto the wasted energy of making that "Pistolero" move in celebration, so he can focus on the Volta ao Algarve tomorrow:


Best Wishes: speaking of skanktastic doping thief-pigs, of which Contador is not one, hearty good wishes and a continued full and speedy recovery to irksome little weasel Riccardo Ricco', whose kidney failure from an alleged gross too-old tainted blood transfusion is on the mend but whose lung and heart complications have landed him in the cardiac unit. Ugh, feel better you loathesome worm--at least so you can grovel for the great Gilberto Simoni's forgiveness for mentoring your worthless carcass!

Gee, I Guess I *Am* On Crack: by the way, am I on crack, or is UCI, whose selective rider favoritism, capriciousness, and abject cowardice knows no bounds, threatening to sue Floyd Landis for impugning their "honour"? Um, not to offend you by pointing out the obvious, but *everyone* impugns your honor, so picking on just Landis for it only makes you look like you target certain people even more. Please, can't you focus on something wholesome, like butt-kissing Armstrong instead...