Oh Yeah, We've Hit the Mountains, Baby!; and, It's Yer Peloton Perp-Walk Roundup! #LaVuelta

First, an important health update from the Vuelta a Espana peloton: Peter Sagan and Carlos Betancur are still fat and out of shape, which means, in cycling-speak, that (1) they're still wraiths, but you can't quite see their actual skeletons without an X-ray, and (2) they can still literally eat mountains for breakfast while you're gacking up your local col like it's Alpe d'Huez, which explains all those jagged gaps that've suddenly appeared in the Pyrenees. I'm sure some Hollywood starlet could update you on the latest disgusting and laxative kale-juice cleanse, boys, if just cutting back to 8,000 calories a day while you're riding doesn't cut it!

Holy Crap It's Finally the Mountains, Baby!: and, after days of flattish sprinty finishes, 2 really impressive breakaways from some Pim guy who's clearly on the hunt for a big salary increase (or just contract renewal) outta Lotto-Belisol, and a total whiny beeyotch sissy-fit from Nacer Bouhanni over John Degenkolb kicking his !@# completely fairly in a sprint, we've finally hit the whole point o' the Vuelta a Espana, the fabulous climbs! Lessons learned: (1) Chris Froome's being able to climb so much better'n everyone else when wasted nuke-plants of energy flailing around like a just-tased stork has gotta mean he's some kind of physiological freak; (2) either Alberto Contador is the toughest son of a b on the planet, or Oleg's just sworn to soak 'im in ice water and leave him butt-naked in the snow on some desolate Siberian tundra to be eaten by wolves if doesn't overcome his broken tibia and grab a queen-stage win or the whole show; (3) Alejandro Valverde, who let's be honest creeps the lot of us out already, really *is* happy to superdomestique for his young team leader Quintana as long as he beats 'im; (4) watching half of Euskaltel completely stomp the field for everyone else without actually being ensconced in orange and black is a daily damn kick in the nuts, and (5) we love Purito Rodriguez is, though stretching his legs with a gentle attack, clearly just faking the rest of the podium contenders out by holding back until he whacks 'em like a goon with a two-by-four at the end of week three. Keep going, Purito--we *know* you can do it, don't we!

Fry 'Em!: yes, there's a wonderful Grand Tour on, but lest you foolishly think the sport of cycling is all about, well, y'know, actually cycling, there's also some key legal developments to cover: (1) Orica-Greenedge's Daryl Impey has actually been cleared to ride on the grounds he really did ingest the handy diuretic Probenecid accidentally, so welcome back and sorry 'bout that lost season so hope he sues someone's pants off to him; and (2) extremely useful sidelined Alberto Contador wingman Roman Kreuziger's hearing on his bio-passport bust appeal is currently scheduled for September, just in time to screw the rest of his season after falsely getting his hopes up. Shoulda fixed those blood values *before* they set your passport baselines, kid! But wait, there's more: we love that canny bastard Alexander Vinokourov has categorically denied cheating his way into a Liege-Bastogne-Liege win, declaring, "I bought that !@#$er from Kolobnev fair and square!" Wait, did I translate that right? Anyway, I've got a serious question here: if a bunch of asshat amateurs 'n' newbies keep getting popped for EPO this week, is it either (1) the pro peloton, which is a hell of a lot faster'n these guys, is really clean now and there's nothing to nail 'em on or (2) the pro peloton's still dirty as Al--uh, dirty, but they're (a) not using EPO anymore at all or (b) just generally using a lot higher-quality !@#$ with a lot higher-quality advice on how not to get nailed for it? Inquiring aspiring sleazebags need to know!

Well, I'm mostly off-gridish for a coupla days, so to give a quick preview, today: a lumpy little breakaway/puncheur playground; Saturday, a (nearly) last-gasp playground for the sprinters; Sunday, a cat-one thrilla finish to Aramon Valdelinares; and Monday, a 36.7k screw-Purito-Rodriguez-outta-GC-*again* individual time trial. Oh for heck's same, *someone* take some time back outta Froome--but doesn't it seems a little impressive (and no, I imply nothing here) how well Quintana's been doing at this discipline lately? Anyhoo, in case you missed it, Universal Sports sums up the action from yesterday, and holy crap, is that a tornado? With these lightweight little pipsqueaks, they were lucky not to all get sucked up into the vortex like matchsticks!

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana Two Days in Review! #LaVuelta

Okay, let's keep it short:

1. Was I the only one watching Movistar winning the time trial with all nine guys there and thinking, "I call bull!@#$?" Except, of course, for ex-Euskie Castroviejo.

2. Yeah, and I *know* I'm not the only one who finds it slightly disturbing to see Valverde in the red jersey. Watch out Nairo, Grampa ain't gonna give it up to you easy!

3. So Pippo Pozzato's not only being smacked around by the national team boss for being lazy, his own Lampre leader is telling him to quit acting like a prom queen and get a grip. Of course, (1) one of the criticisms was Pippo wearing his own color, not team, shoes (but then, style *is* key) and (2) what does Pippo do in response? Immediately post a selfie of him getting his massage! Hey, at least it means he rode the race today...

4. Bouhanni, man. Sagan, just the points jersey isn't gonna be enough for Oleg!

5. Shut up! Purito's only 38 seconds down, shut up! Katusha, can you *please* work on your team time trial over the winter?

6. How the hell aren't the poor guys at Sky burning into bacon thru those see-through skinsuits? You can see the pasty glare from outer space!

7. I am frankly of two minds as to Alberto Contador here. Yes, he'll animate the race just being there, but doesn't something about pounding the pedals with a healing broken tibia for 6 hours a day seem both long- and short-term potentially disastrous? Oh well, I'm an armchair team director, not a doctor--stay and get well Alberto!

8. Oh Euskaltel! I'm tellin' yas, crowdfunding people...

Tomorrow: a rather lumpy little beastie, with a mostly-uphill-then-barely-downhill final kilometer. Saganator, you've got some thinking to do!

Aiiiigggghh! It's Real, It's Jens Voigt's Last Race! Aiiiiggghh!: His Career in Review #thankyoujens

Holy crap, it is *just* starting to sink in after yesterday's glorious, fruitless attack at the USA ProChallenge: it's really, truly Jens Voigt's last bike race, and let's face it, much as we'll all still love it, cycling is gonna absolutely blow for all eternity. Sob! Anyway, we can't let such greatness go unrecognized, so let's pay tribute the career, and palmares, of the King of the Breakaways:

9/17/71: Jens is born in East Germany. Doctors and nurses immediately have to give chase as baby Jensie grabs tricycle from visiting kid and takes off at full speed down hallway.

1984: Jens joins national sports school for track and field. Switches to cycling after friction from incredible velocity on foot accidentally vaporizes school's tracks and fields.

1997: Pro cycling career begins with Aussie squad ZVVZ-Giant, wins overall in Niedersachsen-Rundfahrt. In 1998, joins predecessor to Credit Agricole, where he spends the next five years giving the French yet another reason to cry about the state of their own cyclists.

1998: Holy crap Jens is the King of the Mountains on stage 9 of the Tour de France!

1997-2001: Jens attacks. All. The. Time. Like a Labrador retriever after a ball tossed 200k ahead of 'im to the finish line. Hell, he does that 'til 2014--goooooooooo Je--hey, where the hell *did* he go?

1999: Jens wins first Criterium International. Not bad for a whippersnapper!

2001: It's Jens' first Tour de France maillot jaune! Also bags 229-km flat stage 16 to Sarran. King of the Mountains, Lord of the Flats--what the heck *can't* he do?

2004: Jens joins Team CSC, where he will assist in blitzing Ivan Basso to his 2006 Giro d'Italia triumph. When Basso is implicated in massive Operacion Puerto doping scandal shortly thereafter, he pleads, "how the !@#$ else was I supposed to keep up with that guy?" Jens doesn't dope, dope Jenses!

2005: Jens gets second yellow jersey of his career. Also wins first of 3 career stages at the Tour of the Basque Country. Euskaltel unsuccessfully tries to recruit, but deal goes sour when they can't find a team bike big enough for him. Aw, and he'd've looked so chic in orange!

2006: Jens gets his second stage win of the Tour de France on its longest day (natch) from a breakaway (natch) with over 29 minutes over the rest of the field (natch). Woot woot Jensie!

2007: It's the Tour of California, baby! Jens grabs thrilla of a stage three and finishes on the final podium. What else would you expect?

2008: Did I mention Criterium International? Jens takes his 4th--count 'em, 4th!--as soigneurs rush to comfort disappointed competitors with binkies and pacifiers. Also takes stage in the we love the Giro d'Italia and helps herd CSC teammate wee Carlos Sastre to Tour de France overall victory. And that was *before* his morning caffeine kicked in!

2009: Jens sustains horrific crash on descent of Col-du-Petit-St. Bernard and is forced to abandon the Tour. Mountain immediately apologizes and crumbles into dust in penance. Jens, meanwhile, is put back together with 836 bottles of Krazy Glue, and attacks traffic on way home from hospital, beating it by 45 kilometers in a solo breakaway into a headwind. Get well soon Jens!

2010: Jens takes fifth Criterium International, which is now officially renamed the Criterium Screw This We All Know Who's Gonna Win Anyway So Why Don't We All Just Go Out And Grab A Beer Instead of Riding It. And damn, what is it with the Tour de France? Jens hits the deck hard on descent of the Peyresourde, smashes his bike, grabs some kid's, and fires away for 15 kilometers before catching up to a new bike left with a cop for him by his team. Just another day at the office!

2010-2014: Jens exclusively mans the team-bus coffee machine for teammates Fabian Cancellara and the Schleck brothers. Cancellara time-trials around globe in 24 hours propelled by single espresso shot.

2011: Jens joins Leopard-Trek, and damn lucky for *that* disaster of a squad, too! Finishes Tour of California stage with busted scaphoid. At press conference, Voigt shrugs he just kept saying "Shut up scaphoid!"

2012: Jens attacks (of course) the breakaway (of course) on Independence Pass (of course) for a 100km solo breakaway win at USA Pro Challenge (of course). Everyone on planet who uses word "epic" to describe any other bike feat but this one from now on summarily thwapped.

2013: Jens attacks (natch) from an 18-man breakaway (natch) with 5k to go to take stage 5 at the Tour of California (natch). Meantime, locates 963 geocaches in 18 minutes before sign-in on stage 3. Oh, and he's not retiring just yet. Woot woot!

2014: Jens rides his final--aiiiiiggggghhhhh! aiiigggghhhhh! I can't even say it! Aiiiiiigggghhhh! Anyway, *you* know what he rode. No no no no no no no!

And in case you think that's all--or that we're talking the total career palmares of like 50 guys here, rather than just one man--he also grabbed a total of 52-something career wins, wore out two massive steel shipping containers of Sharpies signing autographs, and hammered approximately 2.6 million kilometers of solo breakaway. And since most all his victories can be found on-line, but there's no way in hell to fit 'em all here, now, in a tribute to the master, a Day in the Life of Jens!

Well, I'm still in a state of total disbelief, gratitude, and preemptive mourning. Come back *soon* Jens--but I guess *after* you walk the dog!

Whoa Moly, Last Year's Champ Is Outta the Vuelta: the GC Already Shakes Up! #LaVuelta

So, we haven't even hit the start line and already defending #1 Chris Horner is out of the Vuelta a Espana: after being sick for some time with bronchitis, our elder boy has turned up with cortisol levels below the strict some-teams-are-in-some-teams-are-probably-wisely-out MPCC standards, and though UCI-qualified to be in with his Therapetic Use Exemption, he's honor-bound to quit the race. And no, he probably couldn't've stood up to serious assaults by Nairo, Alejandro, Froome, Purito, even a recovering Alberto, but wouldn't it've been fun to watch him do some damage? Suck news for a guy who probably won't be able to take another Grand Tour, but at least he took a doozy--and Pippo Pozzato, with no real replacement for Chris on Lampre, now's the time to step up and dazzle us all on the road as much as you've been doing with all those pretty, pretty pictures! And in insult-to-injury news, here, Alberto Contador time trial trains away:

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana in Preview Part Tres: the Sprinters, and Everyone Else We're Psyched About! #LaVuelta

Woot Woot! It's V-1!: oh yeah, it's finally just about time for the fabulous Vuelta, and having covered the course, the GC boys, and the climbers, it's time for the Sprinters, and Everyone Else We're Stoked About! And no, Cav, Marcel, and Andre aren't here, but a pretty bangin' field of fast men still is, so let's check 'em out:

Tom Boonen: yep, prepping for Worlds, I presume. A tough Classics season, but a perpetual class act--and power-threat. Aupa Tommeke!

Peter Sagan: no, he's not a pure sprinter--but neither are Vuelta sprints always perfectly flat, and after his crap stage-winless Tour, and with Oleg Tinkov's eye (and big fat wallet) on 'im, Sagan's hungry for redemption and podium glory. Just let Elia have a chance once in a while!

Nacer Bouhanni: yes, it's the new wave of French Riders That Don't Suck, and boy, did this guy have a smashing Giro d'Italia, taking stage after stage and giving hope to a despondent cycling nation once again. He's rested, he's bad-!@#, and he's ready!

John Degenkolb: who's Giant-Shimano's sprint hope, when Kittel's not around to dazzle the crowd with his speed (and hair-do)? Right, big John Degenkolb, a formidable competitor on his own. 5 bunch sprint wins in 2012 in the Vuelta alone--eat his dust boys, if you can get that close!

Roberto Ferrari: bored with all those guys staying upright in the last 50 meters? Find a little carnage exciting because you're a completely sadistic soulless tool? Well Roberto Ferrari's your man--just ask Mark Cavendish, who's got the good sense to be riding elsewhere. Hold your line you jerk--and let the best man, not the wankiest one, win!

And 'Nother Guys!: finally, there's a truly bitchin' assortment of roleurs, puncheurs, and guys we just plain like at this year's Vuelta, including Fabian Cancellara, Philippe Gilbert, Ryder Hesjedal, Tony Martin, and--perhaps in a bid to get a heretofore-unconvinced squadra azzurra boss to let 'im on the 2014 Worlds team--incomparable beach babe/bon vivant (and even rider) Pippo Pozzato. Come on Pippo, show us some fireworks--*something's* gotta upstage all those lurid selfies!

Well, that's your Vuelta preview--here's the official route video, and now time to get this party *started*!

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana in Preview, Part Dos: the Climbers! And, Yer Doping Excuse o' the Year

It's V-3, Beeyotches! yep, it's only a few short days to the fabulous Vuelta, and besides the GC boys we covered already in yer Preview Part Uno, there's some smashing climbers on tap who, once their work for their captains is done, are sure to be let go to grab some high-stakes high-altitude glory. And, of course, like half of 'em are former Euskaltel (oh Euskaltel!) Yer guys:

Fabio Aru: like you thought he was gonna be 3rd at the Giro this year! He nailed a stage win, too, and he's had time to rest up and train for this Vuelta. Expecting big things from this guy!

Rigoberto Uran: Yes, he does other stuff too. But one can fairly say he's not too shabby, and OPQS's all-in with him as captain. Plus, his personal-brand t-shirts are *wicked.* Go Rigo Go!

Gorka Izagirre (Movistar): yep, ex-Euskie, and he's certainly got a big enough job supporting Nairo Quintana 'n' Alejandro Valverde for Movistar. Let him off the leash though and he's a smashing climber in his own right. Aupa Euskalteeeeeeeee--aw, crap, I mean Movistar!

Carlos Betancur (AG2R): oh, sure, he's got a rep for being a little, well, difficult, and Velonews just basically called him a doughboy--but he's still more than capable, and if AG2R can thwap him out of his complacency, we may see something very special. And damn, lay off the junk food, the team needs you at fighting weight--hey, if Horner can do it, you can too!

Thibaut Pinot (FDJ): yeah, I had no idea he could podium at a Grand Tour either--but apparently *he* did. Tour de France white jersey; 7th at last year's Vuelta. Clearly a boy to watch for the future--and the next few weeks!

Mikel Landa: uh-huh, another ex-Carrot! I'm just gonna stop repeating it. But he is openly looking for a stage win--let's just hope he gets it.

Well, along with Amets Txurruka, and Dani Moreno and Dani Novarro, and I can't say Samu because I already put him in with GC (can so either!), them's my big picks. May the best climber(s) win--or at least not be so totally beholden to a GC captain that they get at least a day's worth of a shot! Next up: the sprinters, and everyone else we're just plain happy to see in the phenomenal Vuelta!



P.S. And the Golden Syringe Goes To...Jonathan Tiernan-Locke, for saying the reason his bio-passport readings made him look like a drug-stuffed thoroughbred-Armstrong hybrid mutant freak was because he was just completely blotto and dehydrated after a major drinking binge the night before. Not quite as good as Bjorn Leukemans' ol' "I Just Finished Doing My Girlfriend" defense (who just won a race today btw!), but we'll take it--meantime, have some Tylenol for that hangover, and we'll see you in 2 years pending appeals, champ!

Five Days to Go: It's Your Vuelta a Espana in Preview, Part Uno: The Course, and the GC Contenders!

Let's face it: the guys in GC contention for the Vuelta are either guys who really wanted to do the Tour, but weren't allowed to; who crashed out of the Tour, and are trying to make up for it; and Purito Rodriguez. And oh, right, last year's vaunted "OH MY GOD HE'S THE MOST ANCIENT FOSSIL TO WIN A GRAND TOUR EVER" winner probably wants it pretty bad too. That said, it is one bangin' field, so let's take a quick preview of the course and get straight to our main contenders:

The Course: Pain. Sun-sweltering, near-vertical, leg-cramping steeps o' pain. Thirteen--that's right, thirteen!--hilly and outright freakin' mountain stages with a total of 40 mountains, 5 flat stages to satisfy the two sprinters and whatever halfway-decent sprint-friendly carcasses are left after the mountains kick in, two individual time trials to screw Purito, and an opening 12.6k team time trial to put someone in the red jersey and find out which already-jacked GC team captain's gonna be beating his teammates over the head with a wrench that night. Don't !@#$ this up, Katusha!

The General Classification Contenders: injury-plagued or not, this is a pretty deep field, kids. Who's who:

Purito Rodriguez (Katusha): he crashed out of the Giro, rode the Tour to make up some miles, and now has his eye on his other big goal, his home Grand Tour. Strengths: he can stick in the climbs, even when he can't attack. Weaknesses: he ain't getting any younger, and one bad crosswind and he's chum at a shark festival. Root for Purito or bite it for all eternity, you faithless unbeliever!

Nairo Quintana (Movistar): Movistar was probably right to hold him back from the Tour one more year to gain experience, and he rewarded 'em, despite his disappointment, with a winning Giro d'Italia. Strengths: at a drenched-wet weight of approximately 13 ounces, he is an incredible attacker, and--if you believe he wasn't being an opportunistic punk-!@# during his controversy-plagued downhill surge at the Giro--a damn good descender as well. A bit disconcertingly, he also can pull off a decent time trial. Weaknesses: he's still got a lot to learn--though for a newbie he's done all right I guess!

Alejandro Valverde (Movistar): oh, yeah, he's still pissed about missing the podium at the Tour, so he's got something to prove--but has promised to be a good little helper to Nairo. Strengths: the man may creep us all out by this, but he's had an amazing season, and he is one canny s.o.b. Weaknesses: if there's ever been a Grand-Tour-screwing catastrophe in the vicinity, Valverde will manage to find it. And don't start getting any ideas about the top of the podium unless and until Nairo's blown it!

Chris Froome (Sky): his Tour was a cold, rainy, crash-marred disaster, but he didn't destroy anything that kept him from training again for too long, and he'd love to prove he was right about how he'd've pounded Nibali if he'd stayed upright. Strengths: for someone who flaps around on the bike like a drunk-!@# pelican, he is one hell of a climber. Weaknesses: Sky this season is a miserable, disjointed trainwreck. Hey, at least Wiggo's not pretending he wants to be there to help you!

Alberto Contador (Tinkov): oh, please. Even he's got his physical limits, and it did take him a couple seasons there to get back into his post-ban groove. But quiet as he is, he is one of the most competitive riders that's ever been. Strengths: this ain't his first ride on this pony--he knows what it takes to win his Vuelta. Plus, he's got a strong team to back him, and even better, Oleg'll kick his butt to the back of the line behind Sagan if he doesn't at least salvage something in the race's final week. Weaknesses: well, he *did* just break his leg. Even for Contador, that's gotta take *some* kinda toll!

Cadel Evans (BMC): ah, the Old Man of the Mountains. He had a pretty dispiriting Giro, and wasn't allowed to ride his dear Tour. Plus, he's riding with BMC, which this year has been the Graveyard of Champions. Weaknesses: you read 'em. Strengths: one day of crappy weather, and he'll gain multiple minutes on his cringing rivals. Go get 'em Cadel you hardman!

Samuel Sanchez (BMC): Shut up! Can so either! Especially since we still haven't heard if he's signed a contract for next year. Woo-hoo, Samu--a stage win at least should be yours!

Chris Horner (Lampre): quit laughing--he may be older'n Moses, but he did win this race last year, and no matter what the field or vagaries of luck he was up against, that just don't happen if you suck. Strengths: he is just so *dogged*, man. Weaknesses: I love 'em, but Lampre? Up against these other squads? I don't know pal...

Well, I'm sure I'm missing someone you're pulling for, and of course, everyone from Euskaltel (oh Euskaltel!) is on *fire* this season. Next up: the climbers. Yes, there are other ones besides the GC guys! 'Til then, it's the Vuelta's Official Promo to get you into the groove:

Alberto! Cipollini! Stybar! and, We Heart Dopers, Buy Our Cars!

The Wheels Are Comin' Off: yes, broken leg or no, hors-categorie-masochist Alberto Contador's gonna ride the Vuelta, although he sez he's kaput for the general classification and will *maybe* be able to challenge for a stage win in the third week, which means either (1) he's gonna leave everyone in the dust on stage 1 and never look back or (2) Oleg threatened to personally ride 130 kilometers back and forth over Contador's head if he didn't salvage something from this season. Good luck Alberto--and for !@#$'s sake, Oleg, if heck forbid he busts anything else let him go home and rest for a while already!

The Lion Sleeps Tonight (We Hope): and, speedy get-well wishes to legendary world champ/sprint stud Mario "the Chest" Cipollini, right-hooked by a car while out training and, sadly, busting the same knee he capped for Christmas back in 2005 and surgery-bound. Rimettiti presto Cipo--I'm sure you'll be back on your bike and back to flashing your wares real soon!

Barriers Suck: more and more quick-repair wishes, by the way, to Quick Step's Zdenek Stybar, who went end over end in a truly horrific clip into the barriers at the Eneco Tour and bashed his jaw, teeth, and general head. Geez, how treacherous this beautiful and frightening sport can be--stay safe guys, and for !@#$'s sake figure out a way to fix those things!

Jaysus, Haven't They Heard of "Googling" Somebody Before?: finally, congrats to the venerable Ford Motor Company for choosing busted doper Kayle Leogrande to pimp its new Ford Mustang, which--hey, the ad's already been removed, how the hell are we supposed to mock you clowns for a full day? Oh, well, at least this gives some hope to Riccardo Ricco' about his career prospects....

Tinkoff Gets Staffed, Euskadi Gets Stiffed, and Sky Gets Dissed

I Heart Oleg: yep, Alberto Contador's team boss Oleg Tinkoff is on the rampage again, mocking Nicolas Roche for bailing for crap squad Sky, claiming he's got 4 or 5 of the non-suckage Sky riders signed for Tinkov, and generally proclaiming (probably not inaccurately) that Sagan is gonna kick everyone in the nuts in the Classics next year. But don't worry, Contador, he totally loves you too--if you hadn't crashed out, you'd have wiped the floor with that amateur Nibali by a good 3 minutes and, of course, you *are* highly likely to pound the field next year. Of course, Oleg himself put in a lazy 130k today and twitted his tired legs to prove it, so we presume that despite some weenie broken tibia you're doing the same. And pay no mind to that little savior-o'-the-team's-Tour Majka nipping at your heels all of a sudden--I'm sure he'll stay a happy domestique for you the next few seasons. Just ask Brad Wiggins how great that works!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!: and, let's bow our heads for a moment o' sniveling misery for last-Basque-holdout continental squad Fundacion Euskadi, all finished up at the August 13-17 Vuelta a Burgos and no dear Euskaltel for the youngsters to move up to. Damn, they can't *all* keep going to Movistar--anyone else willing to chip in a few bucks to start 'em up again? New directeur sportif gets a free pair of socks!

It's Le Tour! No, It's La Course! No, It's La Route!: well, whatever it is, it's not a freakin' women's three week Grand Tour yet, but back in France, we love amazon speed demon Giorgia Bronzini has bagged a fine stage-3 sprint at La Route, breaking (however briefly) Marianne Vos' record of consecutively winning everything ever and proving, yet again and in addition to its name, why Team Wiggle-Honda rocks. Now, add a Team "What-the-Hell-Catastrophically-Happened-To-You-Guys" prefix to Team Sky, and we've *really* got truth in advertising. Anyhoo, forza Giorgia grande campionessaaaaaaaaaaaa!

The Vuelta's a-Comin'!: last but not least, everyone who blew (or won) the dear Giro or crashed outta the Tour--and I stand by my opinion that anyone riding the Vuelta as some sorta grim sighing back-up plan oughta be thwapped--is finalizing their plans for the Vuelta, with Chris Froome waxing poetic on his next-year's Tour de France return and, as you know, Cadel Evans having just smoked two high stages in the Tour o' Utah. Me, I'm rooting for Purito and Samu'--as to the former, anyone who only rides the Tour 'cause they crashed out of the beautiful Giro when they were also intending to do the fabulous Vuelta gets serious brownie points from me!

Peter Sagan: It's All About the Benjamins (Yeah!)

Pony Up, Tinkov!: so, it seems Oleg Tinkov hasn't *quite* got fan-frenzied babemeister Peter Sagan in the bag just yet: our hero tweeted today his head is "bursting" with thoughts of his future, among them Team Alonso, Astana, *and* Tinkoff-Saxo (Alonso, really?) Translation: pay up, Tinkov, I may have blown the Tour de France but I'm still the hottest man on the market! Oh, Oleg, you shoulda signed 'im when you got the 1000 re-tweets you asked for...

Roman Candle: meantime, after Oleg went on a(nother) twit-rampage over UCI's Kreuziger of poor Roman, his slightly calmer counterpart Stefan Feltrin penned an open letter to the rules-changing scumlords over at UCI, politely blasting new-gen chief Brian Cookson for inconsistency, hypocrisy, and general toolery. Even worse, they're WASTING MONEY PAYING THIS GUY NOT TO RACE, you cash-gouging bastards! Gentlemen and ladies, I think you oughta take this as the raindrop before the hurricane that it is, and free this poor kid to race before Oleg *really* gets pissed. Hell, he's terrifying enough when he's happy--and his boy Alberto's missing the Vuelta, too!

All Hail (No, Really, All Hail) the Peloton: finally, as we love Jens Voigt begins the second-to-last race of his professional career (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) over at the Tour of Utah--with former Giro champ Ivan Basso and Tour winner Cadel Evans on hand, so a pretty smokin' field all round--the Tour of Poland's decided to beat both the Giro's pathetic snow, sleet, and freezing temps *and* the weakling Vuelta's sunspot immolation by pounding the riders with hail and sending the cold-soaked boys painfully to the tarmac. Wah, wah, you're hit with plunging balls of rock-sized ice, wah--don't you guys know that soccer players play when it SPRINKLES out?! And that sometimes other guys BRUSH INTO THEIR ANKLES?! Quit yer cryin' you babies!

Boom! It's Transfer Season!; Not Enough Cookes in the Kitchen; and, Oleg Freaks Out (Again)

Oleg, You Tease!: oh no, not the plebeian August 1 announcement date for crazed Tinkoff-Saxo oligarch Oleg Tinkov: (1) he'll only sign with Peter Sagan if he gets 1000 re-twits; and (2) he's gonna make "big" announcements when he darn well feels like it, thank you, so all youse waiting for Alberto Peter & Ivan's new gig's can just wait you peasants! Meantime, Oleg also went off on two other fronts: yes, having never had a problem with accused bio-passport violator/key Alberto lieutenant Roman Kreuziger from the announcement til now, he's apparently decided there *is* a problem with his backup star (particularly with Rafal Majka and Mick Rogers having shown 'im up), 'cause now outta nowhere he tweeted UCI he's gonna sue their !@# for not having warned 'im of Roman's little bust before he went & signed a contract with the sleazebag. Oh, and he says ignorant American cycling journalists can spew their !@#$ and screw. !@#$, UCI, you didn't send over a bottle of champagne when Tinkoff won their stages or something? WELL NOW YOU'LL PAY FOR IT YOU INSOLENT SCUM! Oh, c'mon Oleg, what's a little haematocrit between friends?

B is for Bloodbath: meantime, after Cadel woofed at the Giro, Hushovd retired and they had a good but not astonishing Tour, BMC's now decided to gut its roster, cutting out a good dozen poor saps and, especially with Alonso's new gig still up in the air (and likely to Hindenburg), leaving guys like we love Samuel Sanchez completely adrift for next season. BMC, you better let Samu' have his way at the Vuelta--aupa Samuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! As for Astana, Vino's loading up on talent like Nib's sorta-Tour-de-France-rival Lars Boom, and, unless Sky gets their act together over the winter, we can likely expect another giant smackdown of the shaky Froome team next year. Go Vino, you dirty wily s.o.b.!

C is For Cooke, That's Good Enough For Me: over in scandalous-autobio news, former world champ Nicole Cooke's laying it down, not only excoriating the loss of the crappy opportunities for women even she had when she was still riding, but also busting out fellow competitors who shall remain nameless who she came in second to who she *knew* were doping. Wait a minute--the piddly dough they paid these women, and they *still* managed to come up with good enough !@#$ to beat the tests--what the hell could they even afford to be popping, gummy bears?

Retirements That Suck: meantime, a fond if bummed farewell to Brit speed goddess (and former Giro Donne mountains classification too!) Emma Pooley, hanging up her bike shoes with a bangin' palmares including a farewell Commonwealth Games silver medal and apparently heading off to do tri, which despite the roadies' snob thing over it I think she deserves to be cut some slack for. Allez Emma whatever you do--but road racing'll be a little less smashing without you in it!

It's Your Women's Tour de France La Course in Review! #lacourse

Okay, so I got some crap for not covering La Course in more detail (tho I *was* working a freakin' bike event for 13 hours so cut me some slack dag nabit). And what do I find? Holy crap, even getting enough info now on basics like the race route's a nutwhack! Anyhow, so here's to the first of many more (and three weeks more, for heck's sake): yer inaugural women's La Course!

The Route: Just another day on the Champs-Elysees, baby, 89 kilometers of flat as a (slightly lumpy) pancake and beggin' for action!


The Contenders: Who *wasn't* there? Vos, Bronzini, Olds, Wild, Barnes, Van Dijk, Worrack...hell, if the Tour had managed to hold onto half so bangin' a field, it coulda been a very different race!

How It Went Down: interestingly, Bronzini's Wiggle-Honda, for one, wasn't convinced it'd end in a bunch sprint. And breakaways we got, but a relentless peloton kept bringin' 'em back. Disaster at 1.2k to go: Lizzie Armitstead and reigning French national champ Prevot hit the deck, and Wild's chances for a win were arguably blown when she punctured then had to chase back on. Final podium: Marianne Vos, Kirsten Wild (even after her puncture!), and Leah Kirchmann. Next year: oh come on, Giorgia will so either take it!

TV Coverage: As usual, glad to get any scraps I can get, but at least Universal carried highlights, and huge points to Gogo for rightly comparing Marianne Vos to Eddy Merckx, though it's also worth noting that in addition to being a road, mtb and cross champ, Vos has also been observed to personally MacGyver a fully-functional race-ready road bike outta kitchen twine, wire hangers, cut-up rubber raincoats, and aluminum foil. Right on Marianne!

And, the Coolest Footage Ever: if you ever wondered what it was like to be the most kick-!@# athlete in the world, here's the Vos cam to take you through it, complete with primal scream o' victory. Why is there not some huge bronze statue to this woman?!


Anyway, that's La Course for this year, and I think we've all answered the question whether there's a market. Now UCI, let's pop some champagne, quit treating these women like wilting violets, let 'em do the three week stage races they deserve, and get 'em all-day live coverage to boot!

It's the 2014 Tour de France Racejunkie Awards! #letour

Look--except for the last 10 minutes of the stage, the end of the Tour de France is always a total letdown. You've invested weeks of cheering, swearing, and armchair directeur-sportifing. And you already know what's gonna happen, right down to the jersey-donning, dignitary-handshaking, and Oleg Tinkov barging onto the podium in a yellow jumpsuit in front of Vincenzo Nibali to declare himself the winner. So what better way to cheer ourselves up after this humongous anticlimax by giving these hard-working riders credit where credit is (sometimes disgustingly) due? Yes, hold on to your handlebars everybody--it's time for the 2014 Tour de France Racejunkie Awards!

Coulda Woulda Shoulda Award: sure, discount Vincenzo Nibali all you like for beating the "weakest" final field in years by a suitably ludicrous 7 minute plus margin with the exit of Alberto Contador and Chris Froome. But part of the damn game is staying upright and out of trouble, and he ain't in the rarified company of both Alberto and Eddy Merckx as one of the 6 winners of all 3 Grand Tours because everyone good around him--including some damn fine riders who made it all the way to Paris this year--sucked all the time. So lay off il campione already--like it or not, respect, he really earned it!

Cognitive Dissonance Prize of the Tour: okay, like the last 30 Tours. *Two* French guys on the podium? What's next, an actual win in Paris? Ha, ha, just ki--no, I mean it, what's next, an actual win in Paris?

Punk-!@# Move of the Tour: sure, faking exhaustion, like writhing in agony on the ground over a hangnail in soccer, is part of the game, but Alejandro Valverde ignoring young Pinot's desperate gestures for help sucking on his wheel and *then* attacking him was a major wanker move. And who's on the final podium in Paris now? Yeah, that's right!

PR Screwup of 2014: the podium-babe kiss-diss of maillot jaune Vincenzo Nibali that far overwhelmed the achievement of the precious jersey itself. It's back to draping yourself over the merch in a tacky bikini at international car shows for you, young lady!

Crushing Disappointment of the Tour: yep--fan fave Peter Sagan takes the green jersey but fails to win, as was deemed almost inevitable beforehand, a single stage. Dang, that kid is a Ferrari motor with a Yugo head--someone grab him a tutor on race tactics, but quick!

Pretty Fly for a Backup Guy Prize: Rafal Majka wasn't even supposed to be there. But when Contador crashed out, this bottom-o'-the-barrel selection from Tinkov-Saxo not only bagged two mountain stages, but the overall polka-dot jersey as well (shut up! Purito's just resting up for the Vuelta! bite me!)--and Oleg apparently owes him an Aston Martin for his efforts. To the completely outclassed Team Sky--watch and *learn*!

Agonizing Moment of the Race Award: yes, this Tour was replete with jump-outta-yer-chair-screaming awful moments. But for me, most heartrending was Jack Bauer getting swept up after an exhausting all-day breakaway within mere meters on the line on stage 15. Aw, I *really*, *really* hope he gets one next year!

No No No No No No Imminently Memorial Statute: no matter how often he says it, it still can't really be true. The great Jens Voigt's last Tour de France. Still, of course he took a final flyer to grab an intermediate sprint on the final stage. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnssssssssss!

Gorilla in the Mist (of Rage) Award: yes, the hilarious scene where Andre Greipel, having dragged his ginormous thundering carcass over the Stage 11 mountains to a surprise possible sprint win, goes down in a tangle with we love Sylvain Chavanel, the camera cuts back shortly thereafter to catch Sylvain and Andre having a commiserating "well, that's cycling!" sort of chat, and instead nabs an angry giant gesturing violently at Chava and screaming "you touched my handlebars! your fault!" Good thing the camera was there or there mighta been a lot more than just gesturing--and Sylvain, next time, don't piss off the Gorilla!

Completely Missing the Point Award: the cycling world goes nuts--after *years* of begging for, and clearly deserving, their own three week Tour de France, the women get what? *One* day on the Champs-Elysees with some of the greatest riders in the peloton, with--gasp!--equal prize money on the day to boot. Except it wasn't freakin' BROADCAST, except for highlights, at least in my country. Well, Marianne Vos won it. Do you clods even *see* the problem here?

Annoying Trend of 2014: great, you got a selfie. Unfortunately, you also just derailed the stage and possibly career of one of the top competitive athletes on the planet. Tool!

Phil & Paulism of the Tour: sure, there were the frequent misidentifications of the riders, the lyrical "dancing on the pedals", the frenzied commentating of the GC contenders' every wobble, and a lengthy history lesson on each passing ruin, but this year, the winner: Paul (or Phil) referring--without hesitation or equivocating--to Marcel Kittel as the "preeminent sprinter in the world." Okay, so Cav wasn't physically there any more for Paul to remark on--but the hell with his shoulder injury, that *had* to have hurt!

The Man in Iron Mask Prize: this one's an Astana two-fer: not only did the exceedingly quiet Vincenzo Nibali finally show some emotion on the podium in Paris by, well, noticeably exhaling, but the man actually made Alexandre Vinokourov *repeatedly* smile. Someone got this all on film?--we may never, ever see this again!

Crash o' the Tour (Race-Altering Stupidity Edition): all it takes, even for the best in the business, is a moment's distraction. A smashingly on-form Alberto Contador, snapping his leg in a mere glance's time. Yes, I wonder what would've happened if, too!

Crash o' the Tour (Jaysus, Not Again Edition): it took approximately 50 separate crashes and two miles of sterile gauze bandages, but finally, after busting his wrist and hitting the deck repeatedly even before he got to the feared Stage 5 cobbles, the mummy-wrapped kit-shredded remnants of what was left of poor Chris Froome finally crawled into the team car in defeat. What a lousy way to leave!

Crash o' the Race (Aw, Suck! Edition): Mark Cavendish, taking himself (and damn near Gerro) out with a careless move near the finish line and an excruciating shoulder injury. As with Nibs and his main competition, nope, we'll never truly know what'd've happened. Get well so you can show us all next year, Cav!

Best Roadside Decoration: forget the overhead shots of spray-painted hay-bales arranged into to giant bicycles, the guy dressed like a banana, or even the dude wearing the "I'm riding a pony" outfit--this year's win goes to the wholly original and incongruous bear lugged by some fan to the sidelines. There Phil and Paul are, discussing some 13th-century chateau, and all of a sudden, Phil bursts out "Oh my goodness, Alejandro Valverde's just been eaten by a bear within one kilometer of the finish line! I can't believe what I'm seeing!" C'mon, like half of you haters weren't wishing it!

Best Rider Smackdown: between Thomas "The Tongue" Voeckler road-raging some hecklers, Luke Durbridge going all Incredible Hulk on a hapless soigneur, and an unprecedented bevy of close-cutting fans swat-offs, I'm giving this for the absolutely imperturbable Vincenzo Nibali, woken from his perpetual placidity by an exuberantly celebratory bikini-clad spectator taking a selfie who was promptly whacked outta the way not only by the race leader but also the close-following race moto immediately thereafter. I get it, it *is* the coolest thing on earth--just stay the hell outta a guy's line, willya ditzbag?

You Can't Cheat Mother Nature Prize: it's one thing when the camera happens to be passing by or curiously stops to see why a teammate is holding up his GC leader and inadvertently catches a mass (or individual) nature break. But the surprise, slow realization, and endless dissection of poor gut-flattened Arnaud Demare stepping into an accommodating if unfortunate fan's roadside trailer was just a little too intimate. Okay, there's a very gnarly bug going around the peloton, we get it--can you give the poor sod a little privacy?

Cosmic Justice Award: with all the stupid fans leaning into the riders year, often with disastrous results, I gotta admit, there was something almost satisfying every time a rider overcooked a slippery corner and plowed off the road into the spectators, since nobody that I could see got at all hurt for it. Order has been restored to the universe!

Incredible News of the Tour Award: the rumor that the luckless (and resultsless) Andy Schleck's outta Team Trek next year--and that Frank, who's long hand-held his heralded prodigy baby bro and rode pretty decently this year--still in. Worst part: nobody even noticed. Ouch!

Incredible News o' the Outside Cycling World Award: former Tour de France champ Brad Wiggins--now so discounted he couldn't even get a gig as Chris Froome's domestique--announces he's done with racing on the road entirely and will go back to the obscure and humble track instead. Worst part: nobody even noticed. Ouch!

Roses are Red, Violets Are--Who Cares? Award: finally, it seems fitting to hail the very last-placed rider in the Tour de France, the lanterne rouge: Team Giant-Shimano's Cheng Li. Sincere congratulations on a job incredibly well done--you are officially the 164th bad-!@#est athlete on Earth!

Well, congratulations to all of this year's noble, and especially ignoble, awardees. Complimenti Vincenzo Nibali, and now let's all get on to the bangin' Vuelta!

Valverde Falls Short and Sagan Blows It Again: It's Last Chance at the Tour de France Corral! #letour

Tic-Tock, Make It Stop: Yep, forget tomorrow's stage winner Tony Martin, we've got ourselves a real battle for the GC podium at the individual time trial, with the experienced if marginally crappy Valverde a mere 2 seconds back off Jean-Christophe Peraud in 3rd and 15 seconds off Thibaut Pinot Grigio. Oh, come on, I know no-one wants Piti to win here, but like you won't be off yer seats screamin' at the TV with excitement (or disgust) anyway? Plus, if Valverde gets this, it'll be the first time he (1) hasn't had a catastrophic race-wrecking meltdown at the Tour de France (or hell, any Grand Tour) and (2) he's actually made the final podium here. Aw, do it just to piss everyone off Alejandro--what's another year to the French, when they've sucked at their own Tour for a quarter-century anyhow?

He's Tourminated: and, let's just cut all the brave-face carry-on stiff-upper-lip crapola--while winning the overall green jersey at the Tour de France would be a career-defining coup for anyone else, for Peter freakin' Sagan it's an emerald emblem of failure, as having blown the stage win today with a late-stage multi-cyclist pileup, he's got just one chance left to salvage his Tour on the Champs-Elysees, and it's pretty darn likely that the little that's even left of Marcel Kittel after the Pyrenees is gonna grab that by a country mile. Speaking of which, don't it feel weird Cav not taking it? Oh well, teeth, hair, they both of 'em sprint, what's the difference!

Ladies First: finally, don't forget that delicate flowers like Marianne Vos and Giorgia Bronzini are gonna be provin' the worth of the ladies on the Champs as well, in what's hopefully their first crack at a someday-soon full-on three-week Tour de France. No diss to the eternal Vos, but can *someone* else at least come close to taking it besides her--variety is the spice of life, and we need *something* unexpected to happen on Sunday, right? Woot woot Giorgiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Soigneur Beatings, Team Bushwhacking, and Total Freakin' Meltdowns: It's Chaos at the Tour! #letour

Well, you can't say the Pyrenees aren't lively: between Luke Durbridge attacking a Movistar soigneur who inadvertently got in his way, Valverde's squad ruthlessly eliminating a bonked and helpless Tejay Van Garderen from the podium slugfest, and a coupla French riders other'n Chavanel who actually don't suck battling it out for both the third place overall and the prized white jersey, it's !@#damn carnage out there! So let's chat:

Oleeeeeee, Ole Ole Oleg: so the entire purpose of Alberto Contador's season is !@#$ed, first by his leg-breaking crash and then by surgical complications now screwing him out of the beloved Vuelta, and what does a despondent Plan-B-less Tinkoff-Saxo do? That's right, bag three huge mountain stages and the polka-dot jersey in short order, even without high-pass superdomestiques Roman Kreuziger and Jesus Hernandez in hand. Uh, Oleg, not to besmirch either young Majka or we love Mick Rogers, but you *might* wanna ask these guys to cool their jets just a *little* bit--you *want* the narcs so suspicious you have to find the squad a Band-Aid sponsor next year just to plug up the holes from their surprise 2 a.m. doping tests?

Polka Party: meantime, much as it rips my guts out to see dear Purito losing the polka-dot jersey to Rafal Majka, I gotta say, since Rodriguez' main goals for the year were supposed to be the Giro d'Italia and the Vuelta anyway, maybe it's better for him to conserve some energy now for the Vuelta and not squander it all defending the King of the Mountains. Oh, hell with that, go for it Purito--*then* kick everyone's !@# in September!

Race to the Bottom: in wholly disgusting and hopefully inaccurate news, the peloton's now wracked with the word that alleged Orica-Greenedge class-act Michael Albasini called French breakaway companion Kevin Reza a "dirty negro" for failing to work in the break, which according to team management was simply a "misunderstanding" pleasantly resolved between the two riders with a "handshake." !@#$, Albasini, you're lucky it wasn't pleasantly resolved with a punch to the jaw a lifetime ban and immediate expulsion from the race! Sigh, and here I'd heard in sport this was mostly a soccer problem...

Just Say No (or "Neigh"): and, over in the rarified world of horse racing, I see even the unimpeachable Queen Elizabeth's prize horse has been busted for pony doping, upon which the royal family promptly blamed--and you can't make this !@#$ up--"contaminated feed." That's right, now you gotta hire one guy just to go and hand-pick a bale o' organic clover for the sensitive beastie, none o' this cheap tainted Chinese suspect hay anymore...

Haut(acam) Couture: finally, the mountains ain't over yet, as even a cagey and perhaps superstitious Vincenzo Nibali concedes, with brutal climbs up both the hors categorie Tourmalet and Hautacam tomorrow, and the best chance for anyone to crack Alejandro Valverde's increasingly iron-clad second place. Me, I'm looking for Tejay to get his wings back before Peter Sagan's desperate next-day last-chance stage before the Champs-Elysees. And of course, where else but tomorrow for Purito to grab back that dashing dotted jersey again? Allez, the lot of you--but I wouldn't mind a former Euskie grabbing the stage! Here, WWF champ Durbridge throws it down:

Ten Ways to Beat Vincenzo Nibali in This Year's Tour de France #letour

Look, Vincenzo Nibali's 4:37 up at the Tour de France with just a few days to go, and everyone's already started snoozin' as the remaining competition just fights for scraps on the podium. And you sure as hell can't beat Nibali at this point just by riding your bike. But *no-one* is unbeatable--and if you want that maillot jaune in Paris, boys, it's time to get creative! Here, how to beat Nibs at this year's Tour:

1. Run the Orica-Greenedge bus into some road furniture on a narrow section of the course, and hold up the yellow jersey group for 30 minutes while you try to execute a three-point turn to move it out of the way.

2. Sneak into his luggage and replace his bib shorts with a pair one size too small. Six hours in the saddle wearing that puppy = "Medic!"

3. Swap out the electrolyte drink in his water bottle for the a nice turkey dinner nutrient supplement. L-tryptophan nap-time!

4. Repaint Marcel Kittel's bike in Astana colors and slip it on top of the team car. One bike change, and Nibs won't even be able to reach the pedals.

5. Lock Alexander Vinokourov in the bathroom and replace him with a carefully-made-up Movistar boss, who will then issue fake race instructions from the team car. Really, Vino, you *want* me to ride at the back of the peloton at the start of the Pla d'Adet? Okay....

6. Provoke Vincenzo with doping questions at the press conference 'til he slugs a journalist. Mon Dieu--the maillot jaune is in handcuffs, he missed the sign-in!

7. Put your crappiest domestique in Astana kit and stick 'im in front to set the pace--a slooooooow pace. Like Nibali's gonna be able to tell the difference?--he's following the guy's !@#, not his face!

8. Crazy Glue, meet cleats. Cleats, meet bike shoes. Those wacky pranksters, I'll just--whaddya mean, you can't find my other pair of bike shoes?

9. Pretend you didn't hear the yellow jersey's request for a rest break. Again. And again. And again. Not to get graphic here, but the guy's gotta stop sometime!

10. Swap out his time trial bike and aero helmet for a fatbike and a spiky kids' dinosaur helmet just before the clock starts to tick. That oughta pull back about 20 seconds a kilometer!

Well, aside from the tried-and-true "slash his tires" and "throw a musette into his wheel"--which are both punk-!@# and actually dangerous, so completely off the table--them's my best bets. If you got any other ideas, I'm sure Valverde wouldn't mind hearing 'em--but time is running out!

It's Yer Tour de France Rest Day Deux Roundup! #letour

Okay, it's technically not the rest day yet, but it will be after the guys get a good night's sleep, so let's get up to speed:

Mortal Kombat: total bull!@#$ giving Martin Elmiger--for whom I was even rooting, so for once in the 8 years of this blog-rag I'm actually being fair--the Most Combative prize over Jack Bauer. He at least was able to put a whack into Elmiger in the end--can we at least give this poor sobbing guy a nice embroidered hanky or something?

Adventures in Interviews: yep, it's been pretty dramatic on the road out there, but for once it's also been equally entertaining in the pre- and post-race rider interviews, particularly the best one so far held yesterday: the journo asking Andre Greipel if he'd talked to Sylvain Chavanel since the "incident", and a murderous-looking (or perhaps he was happy, hard to tell the difference) Greipel just going "NO." Brevity is the soul of...well, deciding *not* to go back a few days later and rip the other guy's legs off! Meantime, in "Things Not to Say to the Press," let's give the weird stuffed animal thingy to race leader Vincenzo Nibali, who when asked about any connection to notorious doping doc Michele Ferrari, said he'd never met him "personally." What, so your soigneur personally met 'im a dark alley behind a shady internet pharmacy or some !@#$?--just say "no" and leave it, do you *want* the narcs to stick you full of more spikes than a hedgehog you eejit?!

Mime is Money (or Not): look, Sagan, you've got a bangin' palmares, and you are still very young. But damn, will you *never* learn any tactical sense? You can't rely on wheelies and batted eyelashes forever, boy!

Meditations on the Maillot Jaune: I'm pretty sure I've never seen Vincenzo Nibali actually breathe, at least on a freakin' mountain climb. He must have gills somewhere. Oh, that's right, he *is* nicknamed the Shark after all!

Kind Gesture o' the Alps: Tinkoff-Saxo's Rafal Majka dedicating his very first pro win ever to departed team leader Alberto Contador--not just because it was so self-effacing, but because it would look *really* bad for Tinkov to have Alberto whacked right now!

The Resurgence of Frank Schleck: yeah, just *tell* me you're not equal parts heartened and freaked out by how well big bro Frank is riding lately. Liar! Note to Papa Schleck: even so, and particularly considering poor Andy's season, you might not want to yap to everyone that the boys are better off retiring than riding for a Pro Continental squad next year. Unless you *want* 'em working for an elite team in exchange for laundry duty and an occasional euro for the soda machine!

Cough Drops: in addition to the usual disgusting intestinal bugs that seem to going around--or at least grabbing serious discussion and screen time when some sorry afflicted s.o.b. has to commandeer an innocent bystander's camper trailer to handle it--half the rest of the GC contenders, specifically Tejay Van Garderen and Sky backup-plan Richie Porte, were stuck gacking their way through the high Alps with chest infections. May the rest day give you a chance to recover, if nothing else so you can pound Valverde (but not dear Purito) in the Pyrenees!

Karmic Justice: so Alejandro Valverde sits there suckin' off a suprised and disappointed young Thibaut Pinot's wheel and faking an inability to help, then whips around him like a total wanker--and the next day, Valverde accuses Pinot of touching his wheel and screwing up his gears so badly that he loses precious time on GC. I think this sweet kid is learning already, Alejandro--might want to stay outta his way from now on!

Clap Along If You Feel Like a Room Without a Roof: holy crap, I don't care if he *does* have the likely winner of the TdF to his credit, in all his triumphant erratic nutjob years in professional cyclist outwitting (and outbloodbagging) the best of the most amoral, I swear I have never seen Alexander Vinkourov so outright smiley. Am I the only thinking he needs a specialized sports physiologist/trainer to help him there so the muscles of his face don't explode? We still love you Vino you bastid!

It's Yer Lessons from the Peloton, Part Deux! #letour

1. I know he won last year and all, but Froome woulda been flailing like a baby pterodactyl trying to keep up with Vincenzo Nibali today. Does *anyone* look more tranquillo on a bike than Nibs?

2. Alejandro Valverde is a punk-!@# opportunistic weasel. Thibaut Pinot--lesson learned, young man!

3. You cannot improve on Cipollini's nekkid skinsuit by printing a neon Borat banana-hammock over one and haranguing the peloton. For the love of God and the mercy for all watching the Tour at home--just. don't.

4. Yes, Phil called Romain Bardet "Bardot" a thousand times today. Frankly, I don't care if he can't actually tell Roman and Brigitte apart. Neither can you. We love you Phil!


5. Shut up! Purito was just resting! Go to hell!

6. Pretty interesting how Jurgen Van den Broeck was smacking Alberto Contador for causing his own crash the other day then he goes and causes Jakob Fuglsang's. That's quite enough from the peanut gallery, then, thank you!

7. And yes, this is left over from yesterday--but Peter Sagan, give it up. Everyone is threatened by you. No-one is going to cooperate with you. Ever. Just *go* already!

Well, here's the Shark in yellow again--but tomorrow on the Col d'Izoard, anything can happen! Come on, we can't just all throw in towel just yet...

How to Fend Off a Gorilla, And Other Valuable Lessons from the Peloton #letour

Sure, today was a twinky little "transitional" stage, but before we hit the high Alps tomorrow, there's a few important lessons so far we ought to take away from Le Tour and around the sport in general, so kids, for the betterment and just plain saving of us all, let's review:

Crouching Cyclist, Hidden Chavanel: so let's say you inadvertently piss off, and take down, Andre "the Gorilla" Greipel within lougie-ing distance of a sprint he didn't even expect to be there for, much less actively contest, since he had to spend 5 miserable hours hauling his monstrous carcass over about 600 Cat 3 and Cat 4 climbs first to get within 3k of the line before you personally destroyed his sudden stage-win dreams. Well, normally, according to the experts, gorillas are quite reserved and shy--until they're provoked by unexpected movements, when they will charge you and let out "horrific" roars. And if that don't work, it attacks. So what do you when he does it? Well, according to experts, it ain't "flee"--he'll take you for a wuss, charge after you, and bite into whatever body part he gloms on first. Instead, you are to crouch "submissively" and keep your eyes on the ground. Words to live by--literally! Here, Sylvain Chavanel instinctively does the right thing after a wee imbroglio with Andre today:

How to Look All Cleanster, But Still Be Loyal to Your Cyclist: string him along! Yes, that's what the fine folks at Team "Incredibly Anti-Doping, Unless We Want You As a Staff Member and You're Not American" Sky did after backing Brit bio-passport miscreant Jonathan Tiernan-Locke, popped ages ago but only now whacked with a two-year ban for not quite provably doing anything wrong, subject of course to appeals--they had his back until UCI handed down the news, at which point, not subject to appeals, they ripped him as a freak-o'-the-peloton "cheat" and terminated his contract. Classy! Aw, and I was *so* hoping we'd get to see the alternate "As we expected the allegations were proven to be baseless and we are delighted to announce his formal return to training with the squad" press release...

How to Piss Off Mark Cavendish: well, if you're we love Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen, announce without any hesitation whatsoever right on the air that Marcel Kittel is the best sprinter in the world today. Oh, really? I can guess someone who might have an issue with *that*! Don't worry, boys--I'm sure the two of you can take that baby Mark Cavendish, at least if Bobke goes all Hinault and lands on 'em like a pro wrestler--and I doubt he was watching some boring bike race from home today anyway!

How to Fake Like Your Head Isn't About to Explode: oh, come on, Oleg. We *know* you ain't happy, and even if poor wee Contador makes it back to form in time for the Vuelta, you ain't gonna be satisfied without him winning the showiest Big Show of them all. Alternate tactic: deflection, by attacking another team for its lame anti-doping response on Twitter this very afternoon. But you sure did psych us out there with that big smile and thumbs-up from the team car this morning, Mr. Tinkov--*how* many stage wins does it take to make up for not getting the maillot jaune in Paris again?

And, How to Win a PR War: oh, Lampre left charming selfie king Pippo Pozzato off its Tour de France squad--but it certainly lost the battle for the hearts and minds of the adoring fan populace, as a suavely offended Pippo responds by not only posting a thousand photos of himself diligently pursuing high-altitude training the last two weeks just to shove it in your face that he's *not* a slacker, but also manages to put up a photo of himself tranquilly contemplating the true meaning of life against a stunning mountain panorama totally coincidentally with his shirt off. Grimy exhausted blue-and-fuchsia guys picking apart the stage results with obscure announcers in immediate post-race interviews--0. Pozzato--1000!

Big GC Guys Are Dropping Like Flies/How Can I Remember All of Their Names? And, Punk-!$# Move, Race Organizers! #letour

Beautiful Strangers: let's face it, after a half-Tour of crashes, crashes, crashes, drop-outs, and general mayhem, the GC at the Tour is, with mighty few exceptions, starting to look like a game of "what the !@#$ am I even doing here?", leaving pretty well 3 guys who can hope to take Nibali out before the Champs-Elysees, and that only if they hide his bike before the start of the queen stage and make him lose a good twenty minutes before he finds it tucked discreetly behind the Movistar team's dirty underwear. Is that why Nibs has been looking so, well, sort of sheepish getting his maillot jaune lately? Well, take some comfort Vincenzo--you actually made Alexander Vinokourov smile on the rest day yesterday, and at least they've got the podium-babe kiss-fest fiasco all resolved! Now if we could only keep anyone besides the lanterne rouge in the race...

People Who Live in Glass Mansions: and, hilarity predictably ensued when the intrepid journos over at cyclingnews asked all the living prior Tour winners whether Armstrong should keep his 7 Tour de France titles, with vets of the hard-core omerta days proclaiming their outrage over the injustice, others with reps and titles to protect justly equivocating, and the smart ones just keeping their damn mouths shut. Jaysus, I *just* caught like 10 seconds of "The Armstrong Lie" yesterday and had to turn it off for fear that the oily self-justification was gonna ooze out the TV's frame and permanently smear my flat-screen. Can we all just agree to give 'em to Iban Mayo and shut the door on this torrential bull!@#$? Thanks, UCI!

A Dilemma for Tinkov: so--and I know it's easy to put yourself in this guy's shoes--imagine you're a crazed Russian oligarch with a cycling fetish contemplating a merger with Cannondale, and you've gotta decide, where are you gonna put your money and your resources next year--on a brilliant bike handler/jailbait goofball all-rounder/potential Classics god-for-the-ages with the worst sense of tactical timing on the planet, or on a GC guy who was theoretically on the best form of his life but just got over having a pretty crap prior season? Me, I'm hoping for a massive internal war-fest over at the impending TinkoffCannondale between Peter Sagan and Alberto Contador in 2015 (and I'm betting that Alberto is gonna take out Sagan while the latter is distracted by swooning fans), but in the meantime, I suppose we'll all just have to wait to see if Alberto makes it back for a Vuelta media circus with Froomey for September. Look, look how upset this whole thing has made poor Oleg--he's trying to sneak himself and Tyler Hamilton into the Tour--shame on you *all*!


You Blow, ASO!: finally, a giant "you suck!" to the Tour de France organizers, who might've acknowledged a pain-wracked Andrew Talansky's valiant effort to stay just barely within the time limit and honor his hard-working teammates by *not* giving him a giant steel-toed jack-booted kick to the nuts and penalizing him 20 seconds for drafting behind a team car while ALONE FOR FOUR HOURS OF TOTAL AGONY! What the hell, you soulless freaks--you gonna penalize Froome for dropping out by hunting him down and smashing him down to the tarmac again?