Aiiiggghhhh! Zombies! Zombies are Rising From the Dea--Oh, It's Just Bruyneel And Those Guys

And No-One's Gonna Save You From The Beast About to Strike: yes, just when you thought it was safe to go outside, well get the hell back in, dumb!@#--Lance Armstrong minion/Postal mastermind-in-chief Johan Bruyneel is getting called up by the narcs but quick, and as they line up ol' pals like Tyler and Floyd to take down their former boss, he's already embarking on a weird Twitter assault to defend his virtue against all comers. Aw c'mon, Johan--you were the power behind the throne, the Rocky to his Bullwinkle, the Robin to his Batman, the Ken to his Barbie--embrace it, don't deny it, just ask Landis, it ended up being so much *better* for him in the end to 'fess up!

I Told Ya, It's the Walking Dead!: in other unholy news from the netherworld, most-inept-doper-of-all-time Riccardo Ricco', apparently irked at watching eight thousand other peloton dirtballs continue to enjoy the Grand Tour stages he once rode so spectacularly slimily, has announced his new goal: he's gonna set a world record climbing Mont Ventoux, and frankly, especially given the lack of scrutiny the banned boy's under at this point, I wouldn't doubt him. Even over, say, Valv--uh, nothin'! Look, he's already posing for the podium babes: All you need is Pat "Dick" McQuaid up there shakin' your hand, Cobra, and it'll be just like old times! Over in Germany, meanwhile, a high court has cleared former Gerolsteiner rider/busted CERA-weasel Stefan Schumacher, who if I recall right actually beat Fabian Cancellara in a time trial, over accusations of fraud on his team director Hans-Michael Holczer for doping at the 2008 Tour de France on the grounds that Holczer knew darn well what the hell Schumi and everyone else there were doing the whole time. On the plus side, the court apparently *didn't* believe Holczer's contention that indeed he *could* be that stupid. So when you think about it, it's a compliment, really! Anyway, you needn't cry for the poor naive guy: he's still working as a consultant to Katusha, where he was lately a team manager. The new clean cycling era continues nicely!

Pain, I'm in *Pain* I Said!: finally, great to see the rabid enforcers over at Team Sky taking the high road, demanding that opioid painkiller Tramadol be banned from the peloton despite admittedly giving it to their own riders--but only when they really needed it, not for, say, generally allowing them to train harder through the usual pain like everyone else but *them*. It's heartwarming, isn't it, how they're all watching out for each other's well-being? Well, *I'm* touched, anyway...

They're !@#$ed!: 15 Kilometers of Cobbled Tour de France GC Destruction

Come Together/Right Now/Over Me: yep, the 2014 Tour de France route is out, and lucky for these guys it's lots less brutal but still bizarrely more prestigious than the beautiful Giro or Vuelta, with 5 mountain top finishes, two rest days, 40 sprint stages, and some choice opportunities for Thomas Voeckler to singlehandedly shatter the road surface below 'im into smithereens with the sheer force of his grimace. And sure, Froome won't know he's won til the penultimate day's huge 54km individual time trial, but first, he and the other GC boys'll have to survive this: nine separate sections and over 15 kilometers of stage 5 cobblestones, which could--depending on flats, crashes, dropped chains, and whether wee climber Nairo Quintana accidentally slips through a crack in the pave and disappears into the center of the earth--decide the final yellow jersey before we're even outta week one. Reaction: Contador is cagey, Bjarne's confident he'll still suck less than Froomey on the cobbles, Nairo's stoked for the climbs, Froome professes both optimism and the implausible idea that he and 2012 champ Wiggo can ride it all kumbayah together without them punching each other's faces in, Valverde's psyched to stick it to Rodriguez again, Purito himself is suited just fine to a whole buncha climbs til he's hopelessly screwed on the time trial, and Cav and Kittel's formidable hairdos nearly came to blows bragging on who's gonna grab the green jersey. All in--Andy Schleck, who apparently misunderstood the part where they said your brother *can't* take you down the descents with you sitting on his handlebars. Model of Understatement Award: former Tour winner Stephen Roche, discreetly opining that perhaps this year's "soft" course won't encourage vulnerable innocent riders to take "shortcuts" again. Wait, are we talking those jackwagons who grabbed rides on cars and trains back in 1904?

Ho Ho Ho!: and, we're about to find out who deserves to be on Santa's naughty list: Lance Armstrong mastermind Johan Bruyneel's got his arbitration date just shy of Christmas, and if I were him, after all that stupid crap with Lance whining how oppressed his poor railroaded teammates were getting cakewalk 6-month off-season bans in return for incredibly profiting from and still capitalizing on their ill-gotten gains (lovable as these fine gents are), and pretending he's getting ready to spill the beans again, I'd be worried he was ultimately gonna Landis my !@# and I'd start *talkin'*, honey. Oh, but omerta's still so much more dignified...

Papa's Got a Brand New Tat: finally, congrats to dashing Classics suavester Pippo Pozzato, who's clearly taking the massive heat from the disappointed Italian press for being all style over substance to heart in this nascent off-season, by revising his diet, spending days hunched in a windtunnel perfecting his position, and restructuring his entire training regime for 20--uh, getting some nice new ink. But it is *so* aero, man!

Horner Hears a Who?; The Tour de France Shapes Up; and, Ina-Yoko Teutenberg, Warrior Princess

Uh, I Can Delete That, Right?: yep, just as Chris Horner already wasn't helping his own cause sending a bitter bizarre series of wig-out tweets that'd completely freak the average publicity-conscious DS outta hiring 'im, *then* twitted a cheerful "so long, see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya" to his RadioTrek squad o' four years, now if it's even possible the poor guy's hosed himself even worse: uh-huh, some sports-science ween is claiming Horner's voluntarily-released bio-passport results from the Vuelta look just a liiiiiiitttttle too good to be true. Disgusting slanderous rumor-mongering or no, I sure hope you signed a new contract in the last, oh, ten minutes there, Chris, 'cause the rest of the teams are only gonna pretend they never heard of you even more from here on out! #iscrewedupthat...

Countdown to July: meantime, for riders who actually *have* contracts, it's already shaping up to be a hell of a competitive Tour, with defending champ Froome cannily demanding that any thought of cobbles next year be swiftly dispatched, Contador desperate to reclaim his rightful rep and fat paycheck, Quintana opining he could have this one in the bag, and Nibali, unsatisfied with having won merely two of three Grand Tours, now going all-out for the big show. Aw, come on, isn't *anyone* in addition to Basso and Cadel in for the beautiful Giro--what's the big deal about the winky ol' "Tour de France", anyway?

More Retirements That Suck: finally, best wishes and suck-for-the-peloton as incredibly prolific sprint bad-!@# Ina-Yoko Teutenberg hangs up her cleats--despite an injury-wrecked 2013, she's racked up over 200 wins in her long career, and with any luck for the sport of cycling she'll get some obscenely lucrative coaching gig training riders or something who if even half the talent she is'll be Ina-ing up the tarmac for years to come. Here, winning as usual in 2012: Congrats on a great career!

Euskaltel-Euskadi, 1994-2013 #euskaltelteam

Fine, cycling teams come and go. But Euskaltel-Euskadi was a unique and glorious one, and it deserves every bit of homage it can get. So here, and in gratitude for damn near twenty years of excitement, being a major factor in my falling in love with the sport, and having the most smashing fans in fandom, a quick summary of we love Euskaltel-Euskadi's greatest hits:

Grand Tours: small budgets, big hearts, bangin' results. For all the (well-earned) hype about Iban Mayo and Haimar Zubeldia, the top finishes actually all go to 2008 Olympic gold medalist Samuel Sanchez: a third in the 2010 Tour, a third and a second in recent Vueltas. And did I mention (this week) Samu's been Tour de France King o' the Mountains? Woo-hoo!

Stage Races: 1st (Samu) and 2nd (Iban) at Tour of the Basque Country. First *twice* (Iban, Landaluze) at Dauphine-Libere. And 1st at the Tour de Suisse (Aitor Gonzalez). Not too shabby!

Stage Wins: okay, forget the 80 gazillion stages in the tours of Asturias, the Basque Country, Burgos, and Romandie--in Grand Tours alone, they've racked up 17 victories since 1999, starting with Roberto Laiseka's wins in the Tour de France and Vuelta right through Ion Izagirre's 2012 stage win in the Giro d'Italia. Eat *that*--aw, you know who you are!

Scandals: shut up! who gives! bite me! far less than most squads, so stuff it!

Lastly, The (Clearly Heartbroken) Tribute:

Thank you Euskaltel--I doff my bitchin' orange team cap to you and all your riders and staff past and present for many years of great cycling!

Like That Disgusting Goo-Covered Thing That Pops Outta That Guy's Guts and Skitters Away In "Alien," But More Painful

Quotes That Rip My Guts Out: yep, even as EX-EUSKALTEL-EUSKADI rider Benat Intxausti, who those vulturous poaching carcass-pickers over at Movistar grabbed a coupla seasons back, takes a mountain stage at the Tour-of-Who-Gives-A-Crap-Except-It's-Dear-Euskaltel's-Last-WorldTour-Race-Ever!, our actual beloved Euskies continue to honor their carrot jerseys with characteristically hard work, but for my money, it's the quotes o' resigned doom coming outta the mouths of our boys in orange that's breaking my heart the most. The latest from team captain Samuel Sanchez, tentatively thought though clearly now not going to joining besieged and recently key-domestiqueless Alberto Contador at Saxo Bank: "Time goes by, and even if I do not want to end my career, I'm getting used to the idea of retirement." Arrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (or however you write an agonized howl), arrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Well *I'm* not used to it !@#dammit, what the !@#$ is with you cheapskate soulless assface sport directeurs, hire Samu' already, *look* at some of the goons you've got on your squads who could be added to or replaced! Oh, bad enough young sprinter (a sprinter! Euskaltel's got a sprinter!) Lobato has no home, erratic yet worthy Igor Anton is finally conceding “As things stand I’ve got nothing, or at least nothing concrete,” and half the team are tweeting rueful farewell pics of their final team kits, now this--arrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

On the Catwalk/On the Catwalk, Yeah/I Shake My Little Tush On the Catwalk: meantime, to no-one's shock, startlingly incompetent doper/Byblos runway man-candy Danilo "Low T" DiLuca's is finally facing a largely-too-late-but-at-least-symbolic life-time ban from his own deeply annoyed cycling fed. I gotta say, I almost get why guys like Jan Ullrich and poor ol' Strawberry Shortcake here are so aggravated at the utter arbitrariness at who still gets singled out for scorn--or all-embracing, prodigal-son forgiveness--in the peloton. Ah well, Danilo, at least your buds can keep you in style with free clothes!

If You Experience Performance-Enhancing Symptoms, Call Your Team Doctor Immediately to Get More: and, many thanks to USADA for their warning today about a popular weight-loss and "focus-enhancing" nutritional supplement that apparently acts on the body like meth, because apparently, that lovely opioidtramadol crap the new, clean generation's currently taking as a pain-reliever (pain-relief being, well, useful to athletes who painfully *ride* six freakin' hours a day)isn't even banned yet. It's under review though! Whew, I'm *so* glad things have completely changed...hey, if you guys aren't gonna use your resources to combat this, maybe you could use the spare energy (and dough) to help Samu get a new contract instead?

Horner Freaks Out!; Scarponi Looks S!@#$ed!; and, Like *Sanchez* Is the Biggest Prob in the Peloton?

#HireMeYou!@#$ers: yeah, you read it, or at least read the 24-hour stream of mocking tweets: Chris Horner's rabid rapid-fire twit-barrage of how he got to be the Vuelta champ he is today, how you're the lowly slacker worm you are, and how you better, ergo, start paying him tons of money to ride for your team next year. Look--I see how he might be very mad and all, that after years of intermittent (if intermittently brilliant) results, his passionate defense of Lance Armstrong against doping accusations after years of publicly slagging him which totally coincidentally stopped right when Johan Bruyneel hired 'im, and a clearly successful all-McNugget training diet, there's still some, well, slight suspicion about his recent achievement. Adding insult to injury, Europcar snottily announced today that Horner's agent tried to sell 'im for 750,000 euro and was harrumphingly dissed. But Horner, let's be honest here--leaving aside that you didn't actually win the Vuelta until after the big guns'd already blown their transfer-season budgets, *and* their terror of losing their sponsors and folding their team if you get popped, I think they're frankly worried that your incredibly advanced age of 400 makes this win, even if legit, a freak fluke, and at your age you're gonna just start droppin' limbs off like some rotting undead carcass zombie. So I get yer mad--now quit complainin', and get in line with everyone else still out of a job!

Scarpface: meantime, things ain't lookin' much better for Michele "I Can't Believe They Gave Contador's Giro Win to *Me*" Scarponi, who, reliable talent though he is, is having a hard time picking a team from all his lucrative offers, apparently one down though with Europcar having also smacked Scarponi's agent for sending an unsolicited unwanted e-mail and then claiming that's some sort of near deal. No offense to Michele, or Horner, but right on Europcar--really, they're gonna get more mileage outta some piddly Grand Tour champ(s) than the irresistible camera-whore breakaway antics of Thomas "the Grimace" Voeckler?

RaboBull!@#$: and, bad racing news but apparently a sweet payoff for stalwart stage winner Luis Leon Sanchez, who was ditched by RaboBlancoBelkin because he's been linked to too many doping stories. Jaysus, like *he's* the biggest liability in the peloton? Have you guys *noticed* what clowns are still getting paid hundreds of thousands or even millions of euros to actually *ride*, like right now, like next year, like 'til the next generation of dipwads gets busted and immediately rehired by equally morally outraged hypocrites? I mean, damn, I don't expect *anyone* who started over at Liberty Seguros, even as a baby, to've come outta there without some serious, well, nutritional advice, but Sanchez? When other squads are fielding Contador? Valverde? Scarponi? Sure, clean 'em out, I actually agree, but enjoy the two guys you actually got left...anyway, hope you do get a new gig if yer a cleanster an' all now LL, but one more spot open for a Euskie to grab, you hear that Igor Anton?

It's the 2014 Giro d'Italia, Beeyotches! All's Forgiven, You Wanker! and, Money Troubles of People Who Can Bite Me

Rosa Is the New Bad-!@#: yes, fellow Giro junkies, the "humane" 2014 corsa is officially out, with enough sprints (8, too !@#$in' many for me, but then I don't have to ride it) to seduce Mark Cavendish, enough "medium mountains" stages to give false hope to the breakaway artists, enough high mountain stages packed into the final week to guarantee GC suspense, and, after last year's violent protests, enough transfer time that they don't have to rappel some poor sap like Scarponi down from a helicopter to get 'im to the next stage in time and risk whackin' 'im into the rock face of the Passo Stelvio. Best of all--though it makes no actual sense from a race perspective--we start in my ancestral stomping grounds of fair Ireland. Road trip! Here, yer official promo: FORZA, FORZA, FORZAAAAAAAAAAAAA--oh, c'mon, Nibali, a Giro-Tour double can't be *that* hard, right?!

Redemption Song: and, huge congrats to Purito Rodriguez on his season-soothing--and second consecutive!--Giro di Lombardia win, and for then graciously deciding to simply agree to disagree with mortal enemy/Worlds-screwing teammie Alejandro Valverde as to both gentlemen's view of the prior weekend's race tactics, at least until Purito has the opportunity next year to jam a bidon into Valverde's chain ring flap a musette into his face on a plummeting descent drop 'im in a violent cross-wind and accidentally squirt an espresso gel onto his glasses on a twitchy corner. Jeez, of all the perfectly solid 'nother reasons to want Piti's !@# outta the peloton, and *this* is what's pissing Spain off? Perspective, people!

No Scrubs: meantime, while Alberto Contador's getting just glowing press for cutting his salary by like two million euros to save Bjarne Riis' de-Tinkov'd Saxo Bank--which has, for !@#$'s sake, saved-Alberto's-butt-and-shoulda-podiumed-instead-himself Roman Kreuziger, who alone makes the team worth saving--the rest of the peloton isn't faring quite so well in the wage-crushing scramble for the last few pro spots, so desperate high-class rabble Thomas de Gendt, for example, has taken an 80% pay cut to just to ride at all and be some GC snot's water boy, which means he's probably earning like what the best women earn now, which means he better start training on that McDonald's Fryolator but quick. Am I the only one not quite crying a river that Alberto, adorable as he is, is only gonna make like five million euros in salary and endorsements to possibly choke at next year's Tour? On the other hand, that cute little "pistolero" thing--aw, I'd pay gazillions of dollars for that too!

Will You Still Need Me/Will You Still Feed Me/When I'm Thirty-Four?: Retirees We'll Really Miss

The Old M(e)n Of the Mountain: yep, in an annual ritual of grievous crapitude, a whole wunk o' great riders are retiring this year--let alone the guys who're "retiring" because we love Euskaltel and like half the Pro Continental squads are folding--and I gotta say, Marco Pinotti, Juan Antonio Flecha, and the great Sandy Casar are (1) by far the most underrated and (2) the ones the peloton're gonna blow without the most. Why? Because Marco Pinotti is not only a great time trialist in his own right, he's also consistently voted (by me, so what?) as the Guy Least Likely to Be An !@#$hole About Being a Gregario. Because you've never, *ever*, seen Flecha not driving some insane daredevil breakaway, and, either he's a total wisenheimer, in which case we love 'im even more, or he's seriously threatening to become a pro surfer next season. Because Sandy Casar was basically the sole reason the entirety of French cycling didn't completely suck the last 15 years, and, unlike Philippe Gilbert (who we love anyway), he actually didn't interrupt his Tour de France to hunt down and scream at the clown who let his dog meander into the course and damn near kill 'im. Because they're not the megalomaniacal sprinters, the preening Grand Tour contenders, or even the skittish thoroughbred climbers who consistently get the press, the camera time, the hysterical lovesick fans, or the Ferraris-as-pocket-change contracts. Because they don't screw over their teammates, pimp themselves as saviors, or make the kind of sickening stupid excuses that only shame them. Most of all, because they make the whole damn sport tick, and because though you might not see them often, you know this place will be poorer for their absence. So grazie Marco, gracias Flecha, and merci Sandy--you were a blast to watch, and thank you!
Juan Antonio Flecha vole un drapeau américain - Buzz

Payback at the Giro di Lombardia! Andy Schleck's Big Plans! Contador's Wishful Thinking!

It's The Beautiful Giro di Lombardia!: yes, it's time for the last monument of the season, the glorious classica delle foglie morte, and what's usually a hotly-contested source o' local pride for the Italians is this year a rematch of last weekend's Worlds, with Rui Costa debuting his shining new rainbow kit (as Giovanni Visconti wistfully Twitted today, "In Rui Costa's room to admire his new maglia, shorts, gloves...I touch them delicately...they're a dream..."), Vincenzo Nibali to do what he was obviously perfectly capable of doing last weekend if he hadn't hit the deck, and Alejandro Valverde, if he's got any brains left in his legs whatsoever, staying the !@#$ away from a still-extremely-distraught (and this race's defending champ) Purito Rodriguez. Others on the hunt: twilight Italians Scarponi, Basso, and Cunego; climber supremo Rigoberto Uran; Basso teammate/wheelie-poppin' studpup Peter Sagan; and new-stripped Philippe Gilbert, with one hell of a gnarly lump on his knee. Ow, !@#$--heal up quick Philippe, looks like it's a good thing it's the end of the season already! Anyway, the course: perfect, with a trip up the Madonna del Ghisallo and later a sharp drop before the flat run to the finish. Forza ragazzi--I'm still just in awe you got anything left in the tank at all!

He's Baaaaa-aaaaaaaack (Uh-*Huh*): and, after an openly-conceded but still devastatingly crap season, Andy Schleck, his big brother and go-to trainer/nurturer both back to cocoon 'im in 2014, swears he's ready to come back blazing next year, all set to target (1) the Classics and (2) seriously, the Tour de France. What Andy Schleck *needs* to target first, frankly, is a finish line. Small steps, baby Schleck, small steps!

I Dream of Bertie: last but not least, in bocca al lupo in particular on Sunday to Alberto Contador, who's professed he's already blocked out his suckfest 2013 and is counting the Giro di Lombardia as a fresh start to a hopefully better 2014. So Bjarne told you he's got the dough to pay you next year after Tinkov slagged your overhyped butt and is gonna try to taunt you next year with a new, winninger, more cost-effective squad? I'd be pretending it's already 2014 too!

Amy Dombroski, R.I.P.

U.S. 'cross and mountain bike rider Amy Dombroski, 26, an American riding for Belgian team Telenet-Fedea, was killed in a crash with a truck while training today in Belgium. She competed in the GP Gloucester just this past weekend, where she posted strong results against a stellar field. Her website is here, and a lovely summary of her career is here. Condolences to all.

Yo, We've Still Got Racing (and Transfers!) To Do!; and, Yer Post-Worlds Nasties Continue!

It's Milano-Torino, Baby!: yes, despite the new-crowned Kings and Queens of the Worlds, the actual cycling season still ain't over yet, as the venerable Milano-Torino, including the tough Superga climb, races tomorrow with a field including defending champ Alberto Contador, Joaquim Rodriguez, Andy Schleck, Damiano Cunego, and even the men's worlds road race lanterne rouge (and hell, at least he finished!) Thomas "the Grimace" Voeckler. Who's out: Vuelta winner Chris Horner, whose cracked ribs have called a late-early end to his season. Lookin' for vindication, Purito? Here's your chance! And in case you missed it last year:

The Race of the Falling Leaves (Teams, Whatever): meantime, as the clock ticks down to the lovely Giro di Lombardia, riders from Euskaltel to Sojasun are still scrambling for the last few spots in the ProTour teams, with grim Thomas de Gendt wondering if he'll get the last Quick Step spot from Igor Anton, Mikel Astarloza already throwing in the towel and retiring, stellar carrot climber/GC o' the future Mikel Nieve just grateful to play superdomestique and screw his own palmares over at Sky, and even the boys over at Bjarne's Saxo Bank starting to get a liiiiiiiiitle bit nervous they're gonna be stuck last-second without a squad. Still, fear not that baby Basque cycling talent won't be nurtured, at least: their cycling fed's hoping to start a wee Continental team to keep the Ibans (shut up!), Mikels, Josebas, and Igors coming nicely along. Til those heavy-handed money-bags at Movistar poach 'em anyway. !@#$!

Oh, Snap, Italia!: and, while British media is saturated with self-flagellating analyses like "Why We're A Pack of Weenie Dropout Quitter Wussbags," even one-medal (congrats, Ratto!) Italy's now piling on poor ol' Spain, with Paolo Bettini saying that, below hometown expectations as his squad was, at least they fought like lions and didn't lose like Spain. Geez, not arguing--because they really did snatch defeat from the slavering jaws of victory--but can people maybe lay off anything connected to poor Rodriguez while he's still a quivering mound o' tears over Costa's pip at the line? I mean, listen to the guy..."this is Purito's bitter destiny..."--kick 'im while he's down whydontcha?

It's Yer Post-Worlds Blame-Game Roundup!

National Brotherhood Week: yes, Portugal's Rui Costa, previously best known as a fine stage racer, tenacious climber, and for his spectacular sissy-boy slap-fight with Carlos Barredo at the 2010 Tour (tho' to be fair, it was Barredo whanging *him* with the bike wheel), is now our very worthy men's world road champ, and while the elite women exchange hugs, warm compliments, and congratulations all 'round, the men've already devolved into a seething snake pit o' venom-shooting viperous blame-purveying, with Britain telling its own team--none of whom managed to finish, least of all Brad "I Would Do Anything For Froome (But I Won't Learn To Descend)" Wiggins--y'all just suck except for Cav, Spain's chief slamming Alejandro Valverde for greedily screwing Purito into a lowly silver, the vaunted Classics hardmen dismissed disgustedly for failing in perfect (for them) weather, Team Italy head Paolo Bettini in and out of a job every six seconds, and only recent Vuelta runner-up Vincenzo Nibali roundly proclaimed a god 'cause if he had the strength to chase back on like that after his !@#$ crash with Luca Paolini he clearly woulda won otherwise. Surely these bitter Bettys can find *some* mercy for each other--damn, look at poor Rigoberto Uran's team kit! Anyway, here's how it all unfolded: Complimenti Rui!

We've Got Our New (Old) Women's World Road Champ! Lance Sez "Huzzah," But Should He? And, Yer Men's Preview!

Holy Crap, She is Just One of the Best Athletes in the World Right Now: yep, after a select winnowing down to a field of 8--including three Italians, Longo Borghini, Ratto and Guderzo--2 Dutch and the best of the rest of the world including the US' Evelyn Stevens, then a wily spit out the back of two Italians and one last rider, then a desperate return of the three and two more cracked by a brilliant attack from Marianne Vos, then a frankly worried-looking Vos 3.5k solo from the line, it was Vos, with actually plenty of time to enjoy the win, then a fifteen-seconds distant Johannson and Ratto to round out the podium. Let's be frank--the quality of the women's peloton right now *far* outweighs the respect, dough, and treatment they're given in this sport. You wanna support women's cycling, UCI? Well you've got the Muhammad Alis of cycling to bring it home for you--you better not !@#$ this up, Cookson, and congratulations Marianne!

Hallelujah!: meantime, after a whole lotta nasty political wrangling yesterday which in my view could've been settled way less fussily with just a good ol' Thunderdome cage-fight, Pat "Dick" McQuaid was finally ousted, with Great Britain's Brian Cookson winning the hearts and votes--though actually, not by *that* much--to be our new UCI prez. Happy campers--tragic Op Puerto victim Alejandro "Bloodbag" Valverde, and hero Lance Armstrong, who bizarrely tweeted "Hallelujah!", and was immediately rewarded with Cookson cheerfully announcing now's a *great* time for "Truth & Conciliation." Uh, I know that glory-whore McQuaid hocked you into the gutter like a lougie after you embarrassed him, Lance, but weren't you maybe still better off with him in the end than someone who *wasn't* once your greatest swooningest cheerleader? Be careful what you wish for, new heralds o' clean cycling--looks like someone wants to clear out the garage!

You Better Not !@#$ This Up, Bettini!: and, tomorrow's time for the men's race, and it looks pretty much like this: either the sprinters barely survive the climbs, and Sagan who can already climb anyway takes it, or the sprinters choke on the climbs, and whoever's not too gutted out from the Vuelta takes it. Alternative: Gilbert, underestimated, is poorly marked. Last alternative: Vinokourov, still pissed at Nibali for blowing the Giro, jumps in in full Astana colors, takes the gold medal in fist-pumping triumph, and immediately whacks the Shark unconscious with it. Italy's problem: if commissario tecnico Bettini doesn't get *someone* a victory on home soil--and no, even Ratto's fine bronze today won't cut it--he's gonna be discarded like a nut-sweaty testosterone patch and tarnish his great rider legacy. Me, rooting for Nibali or impossibly Gilbert tho' I am (and yes, I'll be wrong by the time both of you read this, stuff it), I'd almost love for Alejandro Valverde to grab the win. Wouldn't *that* be a great start to our shining new era?

Grated Carrots!; Yer Worlds-in-Preview Part Due!; and, !@#$ You Movistar You !@#$ing !@#$ers!

How You Do Write "General Heartbroken Keening and Wailing" in Basque, Again?: yep, our dear 2013 Vuelta team-classification-champ Euskaltel-Euskadi's officially over, and typically, in one of its sweetest qualities, our doomed loyal squad was harmed being dead-set on providing for its back-room staff and bitchin' bike supplier, as well as its entirely unheralded and unappreciated riders, with "F-1" (apparently, some kind of car-related !@$#) superstar Alonso reportedly reluctant to take 'em all on as of course he should if Euskaltel even remotely willed it. And, in response to the constant bitching of late about the putrid decaying state of Spanish cycling, Euskaltel-poaching bottom-feeders Movistar allegedly also did their damndest to make it even worse, hampering the buyout because they feared having another Spanish team'd drive up the price of currently dirt-cheap Spanish riders. You capitalist oligarch worker-bee-crushing cheapskate Rolex-flashing bean-counting wingtip-wearing swine-pigs, how dare you help take them down--bite me Movistar, now and forever, and remember this day when your points-piling cash-cow Valverde (1) ages out or (2) gets popped again!

A Plea: which leaves us with this: Samu' is probably gonna retire, and a bucket of really stellar talent, including Mikel Irizar and Ion Izagirre (guess-who having grabbed bro Gorka), and even the uneven but still exciting Igor Anton, are without contracts at a truly dire time of year. Me, I'm thinking that for the boys who *don't* find gigs, we maybe chip in to cheer 'em up and fly them and their hardworking soigneurs and masseuses over to our respective home countries to at least stretch their legs and earn a few bucks in some nice local crits. That, or we blow the whole pot on a truckload of Irish whiskey and drown our sorrows. Who's in?

Oh, Right, *Those* Races: Meantime, it's still the Worlds, baby, and...oh, who the hell am I kidding, how can I focus while this Euskaltel catastrophe's going on, anyway, it's the women's individual time trial tomorrow, it's 22k, it looks like this , yer reigning champ is Judith Arndt, and prowomenscycling.com is calling Ellen Van Dijk for the win. Oh, and here's the highlights of the women's team time trial that UCI wouldn't let be broadcast live those goons: Good run there Wiggle, congrats to Specialized!

It's Yer 2013 World Championships In Preview, Part Uno!; and, Bonus Calendar News

Fast Times at Firenze High: yep, it's time for the Worlds, and, sensibly, the ever-high-strung time trialists are gonna be first outta the gate. What to look for:

The Team Course: actually, it's the same circuit as for the individual time trial, so at least this'll be a nice preview for those who hit the road with their teams: for the women, about 43k of damn-near-glass-flat from Pistoia to Firenze, and for the menfolk, nearabout 57k, also damn flat, from Montecatini Terme to Firenze. C'mon, wouldn't it be fun to just toss in a *little* unexpected 18% gradient for a surprise?

The Team Contenders: frankly, since it's a team as opposed to national event, I don't view this as much different from a Grand Tour time trial, so, exciting as it always is to watch, I'm not gonna sweat it out too much. Caveats: BMC could still use more cheering up, and St. David Millar just gets the !@#$ on my last nerve, so forza BMC!; and, despite widespread predictions Specialized-lululemon's got it in the bag, again, Wiggle-Honda really oughta win because (1) the great Giorgia Bronzini's on it and (2) their orange-and-black uniforms are making me sentimental because they remind me of Euskaltel's. Oh dear little Euskaltel! I already miss you so! Wait, what were we talking about?

Pretty in Speedos: and, because I can't bear to discuss transfer gossip because then I'd have to talk all the wee little Carrots flying the nest, I bring you this exciting news: hard as it is to discern from the ever-growing pile of Pippo Pozzato's gleaming half-nekkid instagram selfies, our boy's sun-splashed visage is also gonna grace a 2014 Calendar near you. Other reported pelotonian hot shots: Peter Sagan strategically hidden behind his bike in full wheelie, a lurid close-up of Argos hotshot Marcel Kittel's perfect hair, and Pat "Dick" McQuaid posing coyly behind miniature flags of all the random countries he's tried to get to back him for UCI prez. What, no Hein Verbruggen? I call bull!@#$!

Next Worlds Preview: the Individual Time Trials next week. Hey, wait up!

Wiggo Throws a Bone; Horner Dodges, Demands; Lance Wants to Lie Less, and More!

The Fast and the Forgiving: yep, just as Brad Wiggins was a near shoo-in for this year's Giant Peloton Whiner Award, he's not only redeemed his miserable season by a blazing confidence-restoring time trial at the Tour of Britain, he's even reached out (sorta, indirectly) by gamely saying that even though he'd rather be slathered in honey and tied to a starving hill o' fire ants than have to be nice to Froomey, he's still going to work for the backstabbing glory-hog like a trouper in the Worlds road race. I gotta give it to Brad, that's kinda sweet! Well, we'll see if Brad gives it to Chris Froome in the road race...Chris, you might want to get at least one other teammate in between you and Wiggo at all times, just in case!

What? I Can't Hear You? I Think We've Got a Bad Connection: meantime, as speculation runs rampant that newly-crowned 2013 Vuelta champ Chris Horner is the notorious dope-sucking "Rider 15" named to the narcs, Horner was luckily caught on the phone at a completely inconvenient time and unable to answer unpleasant questions twice by cyclingnews' intrepid reporter, leaving everyone to think (1) he's understandably tired and wanted to get home and (2)exactly what they already thought about that evil cheating drug-stuffed piece of--uh, this thrilling example of the triumph of the human spirit, anyway. At the same time, our still contract-less Grand Tour winner is reportedly in negotiations with Alonso's new Euskaltel, allegedly demanding a cool 1.4 million to drag the outfit down in scandal'n'flames before it even st--uh, shoot the team straight to the top of the ProTour next year. Jaysus, Alonso, you couldn'ta just chipped in and preserved our actual dear Euskaltel if you were gonna blow that kinda dough on one guy?

Look Who's Talking (If It Makes Him Look Better Compared To Some Other Guys): and, I don't know about you, but I am touched--*deeply* touched--by Lance Armstrong's newly-stated heartfelt desire to cleanse his wounded remorseful soul and tell even less lies than he's already lied about already, if other riders'll make him look like less of an !@#hole by speaking up too, which is exactly the kind of openness that will continue to heal this sport and--hey--where's the rest of the peloton going? We're all truth'n'reconciling now! Right here! Guys? Guys?

No, No, It's Perfectly Fine For a Major Road Race to Run in Traffic: finally, over in the ever-jacked women's peloton, recriminations continue to fly for this week's ultimately disastrous Giro della Toscana in which half the field refused to complete the race, thereby screwing their own training preparations for the Worlds, just because a bunch of high-maintenance uppity spandex "riders" pettily objected to some dumb!@# thing like "personal safety." Unreasonable evian-sipping prima donnas! Next thing you know, the stupid *guys'll* demand that the roads be cleared for *their* races. Oh, wait...

It's the 2013 Vuelta a Espana Racejunkie Awards! #lavuelta

Yes, the Vuelta has passed, the dirty cynical speculation has begun, Valverde continues to creep everyone out, and runner-up Vincenzo Nibali is already a loooooooooooong way from anywhere Alexandre Vinokourov can find 'em. Hey, at least he won't Oleg Tinkov your !@# on Twitter! So as everyone rests up for the Worlds, and the fans all catch our breath (and catch up on sleep), who's the very best of the best? Well, it's the 2013 Vuelta a Espana Racejunkie Awards, so let's find out!

Magical Mystery (Grand) Tour Award: don't lie to me, you Nervous Nellies--even if you love 'im & congratulate 'im, you're a-wonderin' if Chris Horner, age Moses, doped not only to take a very impressive two stages, but to win the whole show. That disconcertingly uniform tick-tick-tick of the pedals? The Lanceian ability to not even crack once, for one second, and have to rest 'n' get his legs back, like everyone else? That superior-form-through-zero-pre-Vuelta-race-miles-and-Big-Mac-diet? Oh, ye of little faith--or too much! All I can say is, Lance never tested positive (tho' he actually did) either. Horner--congratulations, or go to hell!

What's Cooler Than Being Cool? Ice Cold! Statuette: okay, the Classics, it's mandatory. The Giro, it's expected. The Tour, it's a single day of unreasonable smugness to every warm-weather lover in the race. But the Vuelta? These guys were shiverin' like Chinese Crested Hairless show-dogs sled-dogging their nekkid butts to the North Pole! The stage 14 carnage: 14 dropouts, a whole peloton o' bone-chilled misery, and potential podium-finisher Ivan Basso, who proclaimed it the saddest day of his career. !@#dammit, you're supposed to *melt* these guys in August like wax on hot-plate, not freeze them solid like Solo in Carbonite!

Vuelta a France Prize: yes, for once the French aren't winning something like "Most Consecutive GC Losses In Their Own Grand Tour" or "Team Whose Spot Really Shoulda Gone to That Pro Conti Outfit"--from Alexandre Geniez to Warren Barguil,these guys we never talk about (yet) grabbed a pile o' stages and a whole bucketload o' still-in-diapers-neo-pro glory, including the legendary Angliru. Could we be seeing another French all-round champion the next few years? If so, AG2R--spiff up those bugly team kits already!

Unrelated Anticlimax Award: so, Lance popped his 2000 Olympic Bronze medal in an envelope and mailed it back to the IOC. The outrage! The shock! The scandal! The...yawn...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...snort...

Heartbreak o' the Vuelta: y'know, Tony Martin is a pretty fine rider, but powering alone through a 175 k time trial is an astonishing freakin' feat even for him, which is why it was so particularly agonizing to watch 'im get swept up within mere meters of the line on a masterful, brutal stage 6. Here, you watch it--I can't bear to do it again!

Relief o' the Race: Philippe Gilbert, this one's for you--you broke your rainbow curse on stage 12, ya got the hell out before you did something stupid, and ya saved the rest o' the gas tank for the World Championships. Chapeau, wise boy!

So Close, But Yet So Far-rar Prize: oh, Tyler. You had a really, really crap coupla years, you really need a contract, you really, almost got a paycheck-ensuring win a few times there, most agonizingly, alas, on the final stage. Perhaps the flatter sprints of the Tour are more your style? Aw, nabit--fate, course, and legs, *somewhere* smile on this poor boy and let him earn his win!

Not Too Shabby Award: okay, so Purito was off the podium for his first Grand Tour since 2011. But he *did* just kick !@# at a body-gutting Tour de France in July, and he *still* managed to drop all the other GC contenders, and damn near grab himself a podium slot to boot, on a brilliant stage 19. Woo-hoo Purito--2014 is your GC-winnin' year, I know it!

Sissy-Boy Slap-Fight o' the Race: oh wait--this wasn't the 2013 Vuelta, it was the 2012 Tour! Sir Brad Wiggins threatening to quit the race and not be the first ever British winner of the Tour because Chris Froome embarrassed him on a climb. Wah, wah--feel free to give the trophy, the dough, and the knighthood back, you whiner!

Isn't Halloween In October? Award: yep, there's sure some scary stuff out there--namely, the gory goblin' feeling of Alejandro Valverde still winnin'. I'm sure it's just an innocent cold breeze that's making those shivers go up 'n' down my spine!

Cool Cucumber of 2013: he gets the leader's jersey, he'll sensibly give it back. You take the stage, that's one less publicity onslaught he has to comply with. Claw within 3 seconds of 'im, he's glad to have the company. And win the race on the penultimate day, he's pleased as punch to pack his bags and get some rest. Rode like a lion, handled it like a lamb--complimenti Vincenzo, you grande!

Grouplove Award: last but absolutely not least, no, they didn't win a stage, only because they were kind enough to let all those newbies take 'em (shut up! did too!). But in their final Grand Tour ever (aiiiiiiggghhhhhhhhhhh! aaaaiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhh!) our brave Euskaltel-Euskadi was not only in damn near every break, landed Samuel Sanchez in the top ten overall, and was the only squad to finish with all its riders, but with consistency, dedication, pride, and grace, it won the overall team classification as its last farewell. Thank you, thank you, dear Carrots--Alonso, you better not !@#$ this dear team up!

Well, dear reader(s), them's mine, and to all our bnngin' awardees, may you enjoy your wins and pass your doping controls. On to the Worlds!

Holy Crap, It's Like "Jaws," But in Reverse: Man Circles, Attacks Shark #LaVuelta

It's a Bleeder!: so after a nervous other-day in which Vincenzo "Lo Squalo" Nibali already gave a surgin' Horner back 20-odd seconds, now the ageless "George Hamilton o' the Peloton" is goin' in for the kill: yep, you heard it, Horner tore another big chunk outta Nibali and left him with a mere three seconds' lead, a certainly-battered ego, and 2 huge mountain stages including the dream-shattering Angliru still to go. I know you're always tranquillo, Nibali, but even you gotta be freakin' out just a little right now! Mitigating Motivating Factor: Vinokourov'll sink you to the bottom of a lake if you disgrace him out there. Possible Saving Grace: Horner gets blood-tested and is disqualified for actually being a robot, or popped for whatever miracle-preservative-'n'-PED concoction he's loaded on. Forza, forza Vincenzo--I just don't like Horner's performance, it's too Contadorian! Here, judge (and cringe) for yourself:

Wah, !@#$in' Wah Report: so Chris Froome leaves his own team captain in the mountainy dust--well beyond, apparently, the previously-approved, non-humiliating margin--and the !@#$in' LEADER OF THE TOUR DE FRANCE, instead of beating him into submission after the stage with a stench-filled sweat-soaked bib-short chamois in front of the team, staff, family, friends, and press corps--sends a whiny snot-nosed woe-is-me threat to QUIT THE RACE to a cycling legend? Screw you, you big baby, you *shoulda* dropped out! Damn, even that preening prima donna Armstrong just publicly slagged Contador to everyone and acted like a bitter high-school homecoming runner-up on the podium, he didn't !@#$in' dishonor the maillot jaune by threatening to leave the biggest show on earth in some sissy-boy snit fit. That's it, 2012 Tour title goes to Froome--what, Wiggins, you gonna whine yer way outta the Worlds on some stupid pretext next?

Supersonic: and, tho' Marianne Vos set a course record for fastest prologue ever at the Giro della Toscana, it's of course Giorgia Bronzini who continues to completely dominate the 2nd half of the season, kickin' the crap outta everyone else in yesterday's sprint finale, *again*. Mario "the Chest" Cipollini, you counting? She is gonna *crush* you on career stage wins, and with half the opportunities to race and no personal hairstylist to boot!

Stuff It, Faithless Ones!: finally, while dear Euskaltel has *yet* to win its *inevitable* stage this Vuelta, not only are our beloved carrots kicking Astana's works in the team classification, *but* Egoi Martinez won Most Combative today. Auuuppppaaaaaaaaaaa darling Euskaltel--and watch out tomorrow, they're getting antsy, I can tell!

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana Rest-Day Roundup; and, Bonus Boonen Nut News Part Dos! #lavuelta

Argy-Barguil: Sure, Giorgia Bronzini grabbed another stage, Cadel Evans bagged his first win of the season--pack o' late bloomers this year BMC, nice to see!--and Sagan thrilled the crowds and bought a white cowboy hat, but over at the Vuelta it's the mountains, baby, and guess who's reigning triumphant? Yep, France's Next Great Hope, 21 year old Argos climber Warren Barguil, outsmarting the likes of Rigoberto Uran and pretty well every other stage-stealing hopeful with his second win in four days. So what else is up? Well:

--that's right, Horner continued to ride like a freak, which, if he won, 'd not only make him the Oldest Grand Tour Winner of All Time, but also Guy Most Stuck Full of Needle Holes (by the narcs, calm down!) to Still Survive a Grand Tour. Either way, a notable accomplishment!

--so Nibali finally cracked today. Fifty seconds was comfy. Twenty-odd is, frankly, a bit nerve-wracking. But the Shark remains tranquillo, and is ready to take Horner out in the last few days' steeper ramps. Me, I'm still betting on Nibali--so Chris Purito Roche Valverde and Samu (shut up! will too!), good luck sluggin' it out for the rest of the podium!

--when the Belgians drop out of a race due to cold, you *know* it's bull!@#$. Bad enough the Pyreneean Meat Locker o' Carnage blasted poor Ivan Basso--who really looked great--Roman Kreuziger and LL Cool Sanchez outta the saddle, and Gilbert had good reasons to go anyway, but really? Jelle Vanendert? Nick Nuyens? Poor pelotonsicles!

--didja see who's leading the team classification? It's our beloved Euskaltel-Euskadi, honey--woooooooooo-hooooooooooooooooooooo! Now, onto the stage wins--will too either, haters!

Guess Who's Back(Door) in Training (Almost)! in other cycling news, in a truly pass-out-worthy description of his healing perineal region (at least for the more ladylike among us), bad-luck Classics bad-boy Tom Boonen is but (ha! I said "but!") a few weeks away from resuming training, which means, barring a freak elbow infection, training crash, Lamborghini bang-up, club-drug relapse, or another ginormous monster meteorite of a cyst, he'll be back on form and back in action for a stormin' old-school Tommeke 2014 Classics campaign. Get well soon, Tom--not only 'cause we love you, but 'cause we can't bear any more graphic details!

I'm Glad It's Your Birthday/Happy Birthday To You: last but not least, happy 32nd birthday to ragin' late-season squadra azzurra contender/primo peloton pinup Pippo Pozzato, clearly enjoying his recent down time. Buon Compleanno Pippo!

Okay, rest up everyone--it ain't over yet, and we've still got some serious mountains left to go!

Welcome to the Mountains (With Apologies to Guns'n'Roses) #lavuelta

Welcome to the mountains
We've got fun'n'games
We'll climb each one of the Pyrenees
Before we know the names
We are the teammates that will chase
Down any one you need
But if you treat us badly, captain
We'll screw you for GC

In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
Won't you be my, my, my domestique?
Oooh, I'm gonna make you scream!

Welcome to the mountains
We take it day by day
Some asshat running next to me
smacked his camera in my face
And you've got a really great team doc
Very hard to beat
You can have the stage win if you want
But you better not take the GC

In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
That crash is gonna make you bleed, bleed
Ooooooh, now you're gonna lose speed!

Welcome to the mountains
It gets worse here every day
If the weather turns your nuts to ice
It's just the price you pay
And you're a very tough DS
Very hard to please
But if I blow it, Vino, we know
You're gonna break my knees

in the mountains, welcome to the mountains
I better get the, the, the red jersey
Oooh, I'm gonna watch you freeze!

And when you're high you always...gotta safely come down...so down...I'm down....aiiiiggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

You know where you are?
You're in the mountains baby,
You're gonna diiiieeeeeeeeeeee
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
Hope the soigneur's got what you need, need
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
The pain'll make you plead, plead
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
Shoulda taken that feed, feed
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
They're gonna bring you down....Huuuaaahhhhhhh!