Anyway, here's how it all unfolded: Complimenti Rui!
Monday, September 30, 2013
It's Yer Post-Worlds Blame-Game Roundup!
National Brotherhood Week: yes, Portugal's Rui Costa, previously best known as a fine stage racer, tenacious climber, and for his spectacular sissy-boy slap-fight with Carlos Barredo at the 2010 Tour (tho' to be fair, it was Barredo whanging *him* with the bike wheel), is now our very worthy men's world road champ, and while the elite women exchange hugs, warm compliments, and congratulations all 'round, the men've already devolved into a seething snake pit o' venom-shooting viperous blame-purveying, with Britain telling its own team--none of whom managed to finish, least of all Brad "I Would Do Anything For Froome (But I Won't Learn To Descend)" Wiggins--y'all just suck except for Cav, Spain's chief slamming Alejandro Valverde for greedily screwing Purito into a lowly silver, the vaunted Classics hardmen dismissed disgustedly for failing in perfect (for them) weather, Team Italy head Paolo Bettini in and out of a job every six seconds, and only recent Vuelta runner-up Vincenzo Nibali roundly proclaimed a god 'cause if he had the strength to chase back on like that after his !@#$ crash with Luca Paolini he clearly woulda won otherwise. Surely these bitter Bettys can find *some* mercy for each other--damn, look at poor Rigoberto Uran's team kit! Anyway, here's how it all unfolded: Complimenti Rui!
Anyway, here's how it all unfolded: Complimenti Rui!
Saturday, September 28, 2013
We've Got Our New (Old) Women's World Road Champ! Lance Sez "Huzzah," But Should He? And, Yer Men's Preview!
Holy Crap, She is Just One of the Best Athletes in the World Right Now: yep, after a select winnowing down to a field of 8--including three Italians, Longo Borghini, Ratto and Guderzo--2 Dutch and the best of the rest of the world including the US' Evelyn Stevens, then a wily spit out the back of two Italians and one last rider, then a desperate return of the three and two more cracked by a brilliant attack from Marianne Vos, then a frankly worried-looking Vos 3.5k solo from the line, it was Vos, with actually plenty of time to enjoy the win, then a fifteen-seconds distant Johannson and Ratto to round out the podium. Let's be frank--the quality of the women's peloton right now *far* outweighs the respect, dough, and treatment they're given in this sport. You wanna support women's cycling, UCI? Well you've got the Muhammad Alis of cycling to bring it home for you--you better not !@#$ this up, Cookson, and congratulations Marianne! 
Hallelujah!: meantime, after a whole lotta nasty political wrangling yesterday which in my view could've been settled way less fussily with just a good ol' Thunderdome cage-fight, Pat "Dick" McQuaid was finally ousted, with Great Britain's Brian Cookson winning the hearts and votes--though actually, not by *that* much--to be our new UCI prez. Happy campers--tragic Op Puerto victim Alejandro "Bloodbag" Valverde, and hero Lance Armstrong, who bizarrely tweeted "Hallelujah!", and was immediately rewarded with Cookson cheerfully announcing now's a *great* time for "Truth & Conciliation." Uh, I know that glory-whore McQuaid hocked you into the gutter like a lougie after you embarrassed him, Lance, but weren't you maybe still better off with him in the end than someone who *wasn't* once your greatest swooningest cheerleader? Be careful what you wish for, new heralds o' clean cycling--looks like someone wants to clear out the garage!
You Better Not !@#$ This Up, Bettini!: and, tomorrow's time for the men's race, and it looks pretty much like this: either the sprinters barely survive the climbs, and Sagan who can already climb anyway takes it, or the sprinters choke on the climbs, and whoever's not too gutted out from the Vuelta takes it. Alternative: Gilbert, underestimated, is poorly marked. Last alternative: Vinokourov, still pissed at Nibali for blowing the Giro, jumps in in full Astana colors, takes the gold medal in fist-pumping triumph, and immediately whacks the Shark unconscious with it. Italy's problem: if commissario tecnico Bettini doesn't get *someone* a victory on home soil--and no, even Ratto's fine bronze today won't cut it--he's gonna be discarded like a nut-sweaty testosterone patch and tarnish his great rider legacy. Me, rooting for Nibali or impossibly Gilbert tho' I am (and yes, I'll be wrong by the time both of you read this, stuff it), I'd almost love for Alejandro Valverde to grab the win. Wouldn't *that* be a great start to our shining new era?
Hallelujah!: meantime, after a whole lotta nasty political wrangling yesterday which in my view could've been settled way less fussily with just a good ol' Thunderdome cage-fight, Pat "Dick" McQuaid was finally ousted, with Great Britain's Brian Cookson winning the hearts and votes--though actually, not by *that* much--to be our new UCI prez. Happy campers--tragic Op Puerto victim Alejandro "Bloodbag" Valverde, and hero Lance Armstrong, who bizarrely tweeted "Hallelujah!", and was immediately rewarded with Cookson cheerfully announcing now's a *great* time for "Truth & Conciliation." Uh, I know that glory-whore McQuaid hocked you into the gutter like a lougie after you embarrassed him, Lance, but weren't you maybe still better off with him in the end than someone who *wasn't* once your greatest swooningest cheerleader? Be careful what you wish for, new heralds o' clean cycling--looks like someone wants to clear out the garage!
You Better Not !@#$ This Up, Bettini!: and, tomorrow's time for the men's race, and it looks pretty much like this: either the sprinters barely survive the climbs, and Sagan who can already climb anyway takes it, or the sprinters choke on the climbs, and whoever's not too gutted out from the Vuelta takes it. Alternative: Gilbert, underestimated, is poorly marked. Last alternative: Vinokourov, still pissed at Nibali for blowing the Giro, jumps in in full Astana colors, takes the gold medal in fist-pumping triumph, and immediately whacks the Shark unconscious with it. Italy's problem: if commissario tecnico Bettini doesn't get *someone* a victory on home soil--and no, even Ratto's fine bronze today won't cut it--he's gonna be discarded like a nut-sweaty testosterone patch and tarnish his great rider legacy. Me, rooting for Nibali or impossibly Gilbert tho' I am (and yes, I'll be wrong by the time both of you read this, stuff it), I'd almost love for Alejandro Valverde to grab the win. Wouldn't *that* be a great start to our shining new era?
Monday, September 23, 2013
Grated Carrots!; Yer Worlds-in-Preview Part Due!; and, !@#$ You Movistar You !@#$ing !@#$ers!
How You Do Write "General Heartbroken Keening and Wailing" in Basque, Again?: yep, our dear 2013 Vuelta team-classification-champ Euskaltel-Euskadi's officially over, and typically, in one of its sweetest qualities, our doomed loyal squad was harmed being dead-set on providing for its back-room staff and bitchin' bike supplier, as well as its entirely unheralded and unappreciated riders, with "F-1" (apparently, some kind of car-related !@$#) superstar Alonso reportedly reluctant to take 'em all on as of course he should if Euskaltel even remotely willed it. And, in response to the constant bitching of late about the putrid decaying state of Spanish cycling, Euskaltel-poaching bottom-feeders Movistar allegedly also did their damndest to make it even worse, hampering the buyout because they feared having another Spanish team'd drive up the price of currently dirt-cheap Spanish riders. You capitalist oligarch worker-bee-crushing cheapskate Rolex-flashing bean-counting wingtip-wearing swine-pigs, how dare you help take them down--bite me Movistar, now and forever, and remember this day when your points-piling cash-cow Valverde (1) ages out or (2) gets popped again!
A Plea: which leaves us with this: Samu' is probably gonna retire, and a bucket of really stellar talent, including Mikel Irizar and Ion Izagirre (guess-who having grabbed bro Gorka), and even the uneven but still exciting Igor Anton, are without contracts at a truly dire time of year. Me, I'm thinking that for the boys who *don't* find gigs, we maybe chip in to cheer 'em up and fly them and their hardworking soigneurs and masseuses over to our respective home countries to at least stretch their legs and earn a few bucks in some nice local crits. That, or we blow the whole pot on a truckload of Irish whiskey and drown our sorrows. Who's in?
Oh, Right, *Those* Races: Meantime, it's still the Worlds, baby, and...oh, who the hell am I kidding, how can I focus while this Euskaltel catastrophe's going on, anyway, it's the women's individual time trial tomorrow, it's 22k, it looks like this
, yer reigning champ is Judith Arndt, and prowomenscycling.com is calling Ellen Van Dijk for the win. Oh, and here's the highlights of the women's team time trial that UCI wouldn't let be broadcast live those goons: Good run there Wiggle, congrats to Specialized!
A Plea: which leaves us with this: Samu' is probably gonna retire, and a bucket of really stellar talent, including Mikel Irizar and Ion Izagirre (guess-who having grabbed bro Gorka), and even the uneven but still exciting Igor Anton, are without contracts at a truly dire time of year. Me, I'm thinking that for the boys who *don't* find gigs, we maybe chip in to cheer 'em up and fly them and their hardworking soigneurs and masseuses over to our respective home countries to at least stretch their legs and earn a few bucks in some nice local crits. That, or we blow the whole pot on a truckload of Irish whiskey and drown our sorrows. Who's in?
Oh, Right, *Those* Races: Meantime, it's still the Worlds, baby, and...oh, who the hell am I kidding, how can I focus while this Euskaltel catastrophe's going on, anyway, it's the women's individual time trial tomorrow, it's 22k, it looks like this
, yer reigning champ is Judith Arndt, and prowomenscycling.com is calling Ellen Van Dijk for the win. Oh, and here's the highlights of the women's team time trial that UCI wouldn't let be broadcast live those goons: Good run there Wiggle, congrats to Specialized!
Saturday, September 21, 2013
It's Yer 2013 World Championships In Preview, Part Uno!; and, Bonus Calendar News
Fast Times at Firenze High: yep, it's time for the Worlds, and, sensibly, the ever-high-strung time trialists are gonna be first outta the gate. What to look for:
The Team Course: actually, it's the same circuit as for the individual time trial, so at least this'll be a nice preview for those who hit the road with their teams: for the women, about 43k of damn-near-glass-flat from Pistoia to Firenze, and for the menfolk, nearabout 57k, also damn flat, from Montecatini Terme to Firenze. C'mon, wouldn't it be fun to just toss in a *little* unexpected 18% gradient for a surprise?
The Team Contenders: frankly, since it's a team as opposed to national event, I don't view this as much different from a Grand Tour time trial, so, exciting as it always is to watch, I'm not gonna sweat it out too much. Caveats: BMC could still use more cheering up, and St. David Millar just gets the !@#$ on my last nerve, so forza BMC!; and, despite widespread predictions Specialized-lululemon's got it in the bag, again, Wiggle-Honda really oughta win because (1) the great Giorgia Bronzini's on it and (2) their orange-and-black uniforms are making me sentimental because they remind me of Euskaltel's. Oh dear little Euskaltel! I already miss you so! Wait, what were we talking about?
Pretty in Speedos: and, because I can't bear to discuss transfer gossip because then I'd have to talk all the wee little Carrots flying the nest, I bring you this exciting news: hard as it is to discern from the ever-growing pile of Pippo Pozzato's gleaming half-nekkid instagram selfies, our boy's sun-splashed visage is also gonna grace a 2014 Calendar near you. Other reported pelotonian hot shots: Peter Sagan strategically hidden behind his bike in full wheelie, a lurid close-up of Argos hotshot Marcel Kittel's perfect hair, and Pat "Dick" McQuaid posing coyly behind miniature flags of all the random countries he's tried to get to back him for UCI prez. What, no Hein Verbruggen? I call bull!@#$!
Next Worlds Preview: the Individual Time Trials next week. Hey, wait up!
The Team Course: actually, it's the same circuit as for the individual time trial, so at least this'll be a nice preview for those who hit the road with their teams: for the women, about 43k of damn-near-glass-flat from Pistoia to Firenze, and for the menfolk, nearabout 57k, also damn flat, from Montecatini Terme to Firenze. C'mon, wouldn't it be fun to just toss in a *little* unexpected 18% gradient for a surprise?
The Team Contenders: frankly, since it's a team as opposed to national event, I don't view this as much different from a Grand Tour time trial, so, exciting as it always is to watch, I'm not gonna sweat it out too much. Caveats: BMC could still use more cheering up, and St. David Millar just gets the !@#$ on my last nerve, so forza BMC!; and, despite widespread predictions Specialized-lululemon's got it in the bag, again, Wiggle-Honda really oughta win because (1) the great Giorgia Bronzini's on it and (2) their orange-and-black uniforms are making me sentimental because they remind me of Euskaltel's. Oh dear little Euskaltel! I already miss you so! Wait, what were we talking about?
Pretty in Speedos: and, because I can't bear to discuss transfer gossip because then I'd have to talk all the wee little Carrots flying the nest, I bring you this exciting news: hard as it is to discern from the ever-growing pile of Pippo Pozzato's gleaming half-nekkid instagram selfies, our boy's sun-splashed visage is also gonna grace a 2014 Calendar near you. Other reported pelotonian hot shots: Peter Sagan strategically hidden behind his bike in full wheelie, a lurid close-up of Argos hotshot Marcel Kittel's perfect hair, and Pat "Dick" McQuaid posing coyly behind miniature flags of all the random countries he's tried to get to back him for UCI prez. What, no Hein Verbruggen? I call bull!@#$!
Next Worlds Preview: the Individual Time Trials next week. Hey, wait up!
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Wiggo Throws a Bone; Horner Dodges, Demands; Lance Wants to Lie Less, and More!
The Fast and the Forgiving: yep, just as Brad Wiggins was a near shoo-in for this year's Giant Peloton Whiner Award, he's not only redeemed his miserable season by a blazing confidence-restoring time trial at the Tour of Britain, he's even reached out (sorta, indirectly) by gamely saying that even though he'd rather be slathered in honey and tied to a starving hill o' fire ants than have to be nice to Froomey, he's still going to work for the backstabbing glory-hog like a trouper in the Worlds road race. I gotta give it to Brad, that's kinda sweet! Well, we'll see if Brad gives it to Chris Froome in the road race...Chris, you might want to get at least one other teammate in between you and Wiggo at all times, just in case! 
What? I Can't Hear You? I Think We've Got a Bad Connection: meantime, as speculation runs rampant that newly-crowned 2013 Vuelta champ Chris Horner is the notorious dope-sucking "Rider 15" named to the narcs, Horner was luckily caught on the phone at a completely inconvenient time and unable to answer unpleasant questions twice by cyclingnews' intrepid reporter, leaving everyone to think (1) he's understandably tired and wanted to get home and (2)exactly what they already thought about that evil cheating drug-stuffed piece of--uh, this thrilling example of the triumph of the human spirit, anyway. At the same time, our still contract-less Grand Tour winner is reportedly in negotiations with Alonso's new Euskaltel, allegedly demanding a cool 1.4 million to drag the outfit down in scandal'n'flames before it even st--uh, shoot the team straight to the top of the ProTour next year. Jaysus, Alonso, you couldn'ta just chipped in and preserved our actual dear Euskaltel if you were gonna blow that kinda dough on one guy?
Look Who's Talking (If It Makes Him Look Better Compared To Some Other Guys): and, I don't know about you, but I am touched--*deeply* touched--by Lance Armstrong's newly-stated heartfelt desire to cleanse his wounded remorseful soul and tell even less lies than he's already lied about already, if other riders'll make him look like less of an !@#hole by speaking up too, which is exactly the kind of openness that will continue to heal this sport and--hey--where's the rest of the peloton going? We're all truth'n'reconciling now! Right here! Guys? Guys?
No, No, It's Perfectly Fine For a Major Road Race to Run in Traffic: finally, over in the ever-jacked women's peloton, recriminations continue to fly for this week's ultimately disastrous Giro della Toscana in which half the field refused to complete the race, thereby screwing their own training preparations for the Worlds, just because a bunch of high-maintenance uppity spandex "riders" pettily objected to some dumb!@# thing like "personal safety." Unreasonable evian-sipping prima donnas! Next thing you know, the stupid *guys'll* demand that the roads be cleared for *their* races. Oh, wait...
What? I Can't Hear You? I Think We've Got a Bad Connection: meantime, as speculation runs rampant that newly-crowned 2013 Vuelta champ Chris Horner is the notorious dope-sucking "Rider 15" named to the narcs, Horner was luckily caught on the phone at a completely inconvenient time and unable to answer unpleasant questions twice by cyclingnews' intrepid reporter, leaving everyone to think (1) he's understandably tired and wanted to get home and (2)exactly what they already thought about that evil cheating drug-stuffed piece of--uh, this thrilling example of the triumph of the human spirit, anyway. At the same time, our still contract-less Grand Tour winner is reportedly in negotiations with Alonso's new Euskaltel, allegedly demanding a cool 1.4 million to drag the outfit down in scandal'n'flames before it even st--uh, shoot the team straight to the top of the ProTour next year. Jaysus, Alonso, you couldn'ta just chipped in and preserved our actual dear Euskaltel if you were gonna blow that kinda dough on one guy?
Look Who's Talking (If It Makes Him Look Better Compared To Some Other Guys): and, I don't know about you, but I am touched--*deeply* touched--by Lance Armstrong's newly-stated heartfelt desire to cleanse his wounded remorseful soul and tell even less lies than he's already lied about already, if other riders'll make him look like less of an !@#hole by speaking up too, which is exactly the kind of openness that will continue to heal this sport and--hey--where's the rest of the peloton going? We're all truth'n'reconciling now! Right here! Guys? Guys?
No, No, It's Perfectly Fine For a Major Road Race to Run in Traffic: finally, over in the ever-jacked women's peloton, recriminations continue to fly for this week's ultimately disastrous Giro della Toscana in which half the field refused to complete the race, thereby screwing their own training preparations for the Worlds, just because a bunch of high-maintenance uppity spandex "riders" pettily objected to some dumb!@# thing like "personal safety." Unreasonable evian-sipping prima donnas! Next thing you know, the stupid *guys'll* demand that the roads be cleared for *their* races. Oh, wait...
Sunday, September 15, 2013
It's the 2013 Vuelta a Espana Racejunkie Awards! #lavuelta
Yes, the Vuelta has passed, the dirty cynical speculation has begun, Valverde continues to creep everyone out, and runner-up Vincenzo Nibali is already a loooooooooooong way from anywhere Alexandre Vinokourov can find 'em. Hey, at least he won't Oleg Tinkov your !@# on Twitter! So as everyone rests up for the Worlds, and the fans all catch our breath (and catch up on sleep), who's the very best of the best? Well, it's the 2013 Vuelta a Espana Racejunkie Awards, so let's find out!
Magical Mystery (Grand) Tour Award: don't lie to me, you Nervous Nellies--even if you love 'im & congratulate 'im, you're a-wonderin' if Chris Horner, age Moses, doped not only to take a very impressive two stages, but to win the whole show. That disconcertingly uniform tick-tick-tick of the pedals? The Lanceian ability to not even crack once, for one second, and have to rest 'n' get his legs back, like everyone else? That superior-form-through-zero-pre-Vuelta-race-miles-and-Big-Mac-diet? Oh, ye of little faith--or too much! All I can say is, Lance never tested positive (tho' he actually did) either. Horner--congratulations, or go to hell!
What's Cooler Than Being Cool? Ice Cold! Statuette: okay, the Classics, it's mandatory. The Giro, it's expected. The Tour, it's a single day of unreasonable smugness to every warm-weather lover in the race. But the Vuelta? These guys were shiverin' like Chinese Crested Hairless show-dogs sled-dogging their nekkid butts to the North Pole! The stage 14 carnage: 14 dropouts, a whole peloton o' bone-chilled misery, and potential podium-finisher Ivan Basso, who proclaimed it the saddest day of his career. !@#dammit, you're supposed to *melt* these guys in August like wax on hot-plate, not freeze them solid like Solo in Carbonite!
Vuelta a France Prize: yes, for once the French aren't winning something like "Most Consecutive GC Losses In Their Own Grand Tour" or "Team Whose Spot Really Shoulda Gone to That Pro Conti Outfit"--from Alexandre Geniez to Warren Barguil,these guys we never talk about (yet) grabbed a pile o' stages and a whole bucketload o' still-in-diapers-neo-pro glory, including the legendary Angliru. Could we be seeing another French all-round champion the next few years? If so, AG2R--spiff up those bugly team kits already!
Unrelated Anticlimax Award: so, Lance popped his 2000 Olympic Bronze medal in an envelope and mailed it back to the IOC. The outrage! The shock! The scandal! The...yawn...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...snort...
Heartbreak o' the Vuelta: y'know, Tony Martin is a pretty fine rider, but powering alone through a 175 k time trial is an astonishing freakin' feat even for him, which is why it was so particularly agonizing to watch 'im get swept up within mere meters of the line on a masterful, brutal stage 6. Here, you watch it--I can't bear to do it again!
Relief o' the Race: Philippe Gilbert, this one's for you--you broke your rainbow curse on stage 12, ya got the hell out before you did something stupid, and ya saved the rest o' the gas tank for the World Championships. Chapeau, wise boy!
So Close, But Yet So Far-rar Prize: oh, Tyler. You had a really, really crap coupla years, you really need a contract, you really, almost got a paycheck-ensuring win a few times there, most agonizingly, alas, on the final stage. Perhaps the flatter sprints of the Tour are more your style? Aw, nabit--fate, course, and legs, *somewhere* smile on this poor boy and let him earn his win!
Not Too Shabby Award: okay, so Purito was off the podium for his first Grand Tour since 2011. But he *did* just kick !@# at a body-gutting Tour de France in July, and he *still* managed to drop all the other GC contenders, and damn near grab himself a podium slot to boot, on a brilliant stage 19. Woo-hoo Purito--2014 is your GC-winnin' year, I know it!
Sissy-Boy Slap-Fight o' the Race: oh wait--this wasn't the 2013 Vuelta, it was the 2012 Tour! Sir Brad Wiggins threatening to quit the race and not be the first ever British winner of the Tour because Chris Froome embarrassed him on a climb. Wah, wah--feel free to give the trophy, the dough, and the knighthood back, you whiner!
Isn't Halloween In October? Award: yep, there's sure some scary stuff out there--namely, the gory goblin' feeling of Alejandro Valverde still winnin'. I'm sure it's just an innocent cold breeze that's making those shivers go up 'n' down my spine!
Cool Cucumber of 2013: he gets the leader's jersey, he'll sensibly give it back. You take the stage, that's one less publicity onslaught he has to comply with. Claw within 3 seconds of 'im, he's glad to have the company. And win the race on the penultimate day, he's pleased as punch to pack his bags and get some rest. Rode like a lion, handled it like a lamb--complimenti Vincenzo, you grande!
Grouplove Award: last but absolutely not least, no, they didn't win a stage, only because they were kind enough to let all those newbies take 'em (shut up! did too!). But in their final Grand Tour ever (aiiiiiiggghhhhhhhhhhh! aaaaiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhh!) our brave Euskaltel-Euskadi was not only in damn near every break, landed Samuel Sanchez in the top ten overall, and was the only squad to finish with all its riders, but with consistency, dedication, pride, and grace, it won the overall team classification as its last farewell. Thank you, thank you, dear Carrots--Alonso, you better not !@#$ this dear team up!
Well, dear reader(s), them's mine, and to all our bnngin' awardees, may you enjoy your wins and pass your doping controls. On to the Worlds!
Magical Mystery (Grand) Tour Award: don't lie to me, you Nervous Nellies--even if you love 'im & congratulate 'im, you're a-wonderin' if Chris Horner, age Moses, doped not only to take a very impressive two stages, but to win the whole show. That disconcertingly uniform tick-tick-tick of the pedals? The Lanceian ability to not even crack once, for one second, and have to rest 'n' get his legs back, like everyone else? That superior-form-through-zero-pre-Vuelta-race-miles-and-Big-Mac-diet? Oh, ye of little faith--or too much! All I can say is, Lance never tested positive (tho' he actually did) either. Horner--congratulations, or go to hell!
What's Cooler Than Being Cool? Ice Cold! Statuette: okay, the Classics, it's mandatory. The Giro, it's expected. The Tour, it's a single day of unreasonable smugness to every warm-weather lover in the race. But the Vuelta? These guys were shiverin' like Chinese Crested Hairless show-dogs sled-dogging their nekkid butts to the North Pole! The stage 14 carnage: 14 dropouts, a whole peloton o' bone-chilled misery, and potential podium-finisher Ivan Basso, who proclaimed it the saddest day of his career. !@#dammit, you're supposed to *melt* these guys in August like wax on hot-plate, not freeze them solid like Solo in Carbonite!
Vuelta a France Prize: yes, for once the French aren't winning something like "Most Consecutive GC Losses In Their Own Grand Tour" or "Team Whose Spot Really Shoulda Gone to That Pro Conti Outfit"--from Alexandre Geniez to Warren Barguil,these guys we never talk about (yet) grabbed a pile o' stages and a whole bucketload o' still-in-diapers-neo-pro glory, including the legendary Angliru. Could we be seeing another French all-round champion the next few years? If so, AG2R--spiff up those bugly team kits already!
Unrelated Anticlimax Award: so, Lance popped his 2000 Olympic Bronze medal in an envelope and mailed it back to the IOC. The outrage! The shock! The scandal! The...yawn...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...snort...
Heartbreak o' the Vuelta: y'know, Tony Martin is a pretty fine rider, but powering alone through a 175 k time trial is an astonishing freakin' feat even for him, which is why it was so particularly agonizing to watch 'im get swept up within mere meters of the line on a masterful, brutal stage 6. Here, you watch it--I can't bear to do it again!
Relief o' the Race: Philippe Gilbert, this one's for you--you broke your rainbow curse on stage 12, ya got the hell out before you did something stupid, and ya saved the rest o' the gas tank for the World Championships. Chapeau, wise boy!
So Close, But Yet So Far-rar Prize: oh, Tyler. You had a really, really crap coupla years, you really need a contract, you really, almost got a paycheck-ensuring win a few times there, most agonizingly, alas, on the final stage. Perhaps the flatter sprints of the Tour are more your style? Aw, nabit--fate, course, and legs, *somewhere* smile on this poor boy and let him earn his win!
Not Too Shabby Award: okay, so Purito was off the podium for his first Grand Tour since 2011. But he *did* just kick !@# at a body-gutting Tour de France in July, and he *still* managed to drop all the other GC contenders, and damn near grab himself a podium slot to boot, on a brilliant stage 19. Woo-hoo Purito--2014 is your GC-winnin' year, I know it!
Sissy-Boy Slap-Fight o' the Race: oh wait--this wasn't the 2013 Vuelta, it was the 2012 Tour! Sir Brad Wiggins threatening to quit the race and not be the first ever British winner of the Tour because Chris Froome embarrassed him on a climb. Wah, wah--feel free to give the trophy, the dough, and the knighthood back, you whiner!
Isn't Halloween In October? Award: yep, there's sure some scary stuff out there--namely, the gory goblin' feeling of Alejandro Valverde still winnin'. I'm sure it's just an innocent cold breeze that's making those shivers go up 'n' down my spine!
Cool Cucumber of 2013: he gets the leader's jersey, he'll sensibly give it back. You take the stage, that's one less publicity onslaught he has to comply with. Claw within 3 seconds of 'im, he's glad to have the company. And win the race on the penultimate day, he's pleased as punch to pack his bags and get some rest. Rode like a lion, handled it like a lamb--complimenti Vincenzo, you grande!
Grouplove Award: last but absolutely not least, no, they didn't win a stage, only because they were kind enough to let all those newbies take 'em (shut up! did too!). But in their final Grand Tour ever (aiiiiiiggghhhhhhhhhhh! aaaaiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhh!) our brave Euskaltel-Euskadi was not only in damn near every break, landed Samuel Sanchez in the top ten overall, and was the only squad to finish with all its riders, but with consistency, dedication, pride, and grace, it won the overall team classification as its last farewell. Thank you, thank you, dear Carrots--Alonso, you better not !@#$ this dear team up!
Well, dear reader(s), them's mine, and to all our bnngin' awardees, may you enjoy your wins and pass your doping controls. On to the Worlds!
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Holy Crap, It's Like "Jaws," But in Reverse: Man Circles, Attacks Shark #LaVuelta
It's a Bleeder!: so after a nervous other-day in which Vincenzo "Lo Squalo" Nibali already gave a surgin' Horner back 20-odd seconds, now the ageless "George Hamilton o' the Peloton" is goin' in for the kill: yep, you heard it, Horner tore another big chunk outta Nibali and left him with a mere three seconds' lead, a certainly-battered ego, and 2 huge mountain stages including the dream-shattering Angliru still to go. I know you're always tranquillo, Nibali, but even you gotta be freakin' out just a little right now! Mitigating Motivating Factor: Vinokourov'll sink you to the bottom of a lake if you disgrace him out there. Possible Saving Grace: Horner gets blood-tested and is disqualified for actually being a robot, or popped for whatever miracle-preservative-'n'-PED concoction he's loaded on. Forza, forza Vincenzo--I just don't like Horner's performance, it's too Contadorian! Here, judge (and cringe) for yourself:
Wah, !@#$in' Wah Report: so Chris Froome leaves his own team captain in the mountainy dust--well beyond, apparently, the previously-approved, non-humiliating margin--and the !@#$in' LEADER OF THE TOUR DE FRANCE, instead of beating him into submission after the stage with a stench-filled sweat-soaked bib-short chamois in front of the team, staff, family, friends, and press corps--sends a whiny snot-nosed woe-is-me threat to QUIT THE RACE to a cycling legend? Screw you, you big baby, you *shoulda* dropped out! Damn, even that preening prima donna Armstrong just publicly slagged Contador to everyone and acted like a bitter high-school homecoming runner-up on the podium, he didn't !@#$in' dishonor the maillot jaune by threatening to leave the biggest show on earth in some sissy-boy snit fit. That's it, 2012 Tour title goes to Froome--what, Wiggins, you gonna whine yer way outta the Worlds on some stupid pretext next?
Supersonic: and, tho' Marianne Vos set a course record for fastest prologue ever at the Giro della Toscana, it's of course Giorgia Bronzini who continues to completely dominate the 2nd half of the season, kickin' the crap outta everyone else in yesterday's sprint finale, *again*. Mario "the Chest" Cipollini, you counting? She is gonna *crush* you on career stage wins, and with half the opportunities to race and no personal hairstylist to boot!
Stuff It, Faithless Ones!: finally, while dear Euskaltel has *yet* to win its *inevitable* stage this Vuelta, not only are our beloved carrots kicking Astana's works in the team classification, *but* Egoi Martinez won Most Combative today. Auuuppppaaaaaaaaaaa darling Euskaltel--and watch out tomorrow, they're getting antsy, I can tell!
Wah, !@#$in' Wah Report: so Chris Froome leaves his own team captain in the mountainy dust--well beyond, apparently, the previously-approved, non-humiliating margin--and the !@#$in' LEADER OF THE TOUR DE FRANCE, instead of beating him into submission after the stage with a stench-filled sweat-soaked bib-short chamois in front of the team, staff, family, friends, and press corps--sends a whiny snot-nosed woe-is-me threat to QUIT THE RACE to a cycling legend? Screw you, you big baby, you *shoulda* dropped out! Damn, even that preening prima donna Armstrong just publicly slagged Contador to everyone and acted like a bitter high-school homecoming runner-up on the podium, he didn't !@#$in' dishonor the maillot jaune by threatening to leave the biggest show on earth in some sissy-boy snit fit. That's it, 2012 Tour title goes to Froome--what, Wiggins, you gonna whine yer way outta the Worlds on some stupid pretext next?
Supersonic: and, tho' Marianne Vos set a course record for fastest prologue ever at the Giro della Toscana, it's of course Giorgia Bronzini who continues to completely dominate the 2nd half of the season, kickin' the crap outta everyone else in yesterday's sprint finale, *again*. Mario "the Chest" Cipollini, you counting? She is gonna *crush* you on career stage wins, and with half the opportunities to race and no personal hairstylist to boot!
Stuff It, Faithless Ones!: finally, while dear Euskaltel has *yet* to win its *inevitable* stage this Vuelta, not only are our beloved carrots kicking Astana's works in the team classification, *but* Egoi Martinez won Most Combative today. Auuuppppaaaaaaaaaaa darling Euskaltel--and watch out tomorrow, they're getting antsy, I can tell!
Monday, September 09, 2013
It's Yer Vuelta a Espana Rest-Day Roundup; and, Bonus Boonen Nut News Part Dos! #lavuelta
Argy-Barguil: Sure, Giorgia Bronzini grabbed another stage, Cadel Evans bagged his first win of the season--pack o' late bloomers this year BMC, nice to see!--and Sagan thrilled the crowds and bought a white cowboy hat, but over at the Vuelta it's the mountains, baby, and guess who's reigning triumphant? Yep, France's Next Great Hope, 21 year old Argos climber Warren Barguil, outsmarting the likes of Rigoberto Uran and pretty well every other stage-stealing hopeful with his second win in four days. So what else is up? Well:
--that's right, Horner continued to ride like a freak, which, if he won, 'd not only make him the Oldest Grand Tour Winner of All Time, but also Guy Most Stuck Full of Needle Holes (by the narcs, calm down!) to Still Survive a Grand Tour. Either way, a notable accomplishment!
--so Nibali finally cracked today. Fifty seconds was comfy. Twenty-odd is, frankly, a bit nerve-wracking. But the Shark remains tranquillo, and is ready to take Horner out in the last few days' steeper ramps. Me, I'm still betting on Nibali--so Chris Purito Roche Valverde and Samu (shut up! will too!), good luck sluggin' it out for the rest of the podium!
--when the Belgians drop out of a race due to cold, you *know* it's bull!@#$. Bad enough the Pyreneean Meat Locker o' Carnage blasted poor Ivan Basso--who really looked great--Roman Kreuziger and LL Cool Sanchez outta the saddle, and Gilbert had good reasons to go anyway, but really? Jelle Vanendert? Nick Nuyens? Poor pelotonsicles!
--didja see who's leading the team classification? It's our beloved Euskaltel-Euskadi, honey--woooooooooo-hooooooooooooooooooooo! Now, onto the stage wins--will too either, haters!
Guess Who's Back(Door) in Training (Almost)! in other cycling news, in a truly pass-out-worthy description of his healing perineal region (at least for the more ladylike among us), bad-luck Classics bad-boy Tom Boonen is but (ha! I said "but!") a few weeks away from resuming training, which means, barring a freak elbow infection, training crash, Lamborghini bang-up, club-drug relapse, or another ginormous monster meteorite of a cyst, he'll be back on form and back in action for a stormin' old-school Tommeke 2014 Classics campaign. Get well soon, Tom--not only 'cause we love you, but 'cause we can't bear any more graphic details!
I'm Glad It's Your Birthday/Happy Birthday To You: last but not least, happy 32nd birthday to ragin' late-season squadra azzurra contender/primo peloton pinup Pippo Pozzato, clearly enjoying his recent down time.
Buon Compleanno Pippo!
Okay, rest up everyone--it ain't over yet, and we've still got some serious mountains left to go!
--that's right, Horner continued to ride like a freak, which, if he won, 'd not only make him the Oldest Grand Tour Winner of All Time, but also Guy Most Stuck Full of Needle Holes (by the narcs, calm down!) to Still Survive a Grand Tour. Either way, a notable accomplishment!
--so Nibali finally cracked today. Fifty seconds was comfy. Twenty-odd is, frankly, a bit nerve-wracking. But the Shark remains tranquillo, and is ready to take Horner out in the last few days' steeper ramps. Me, I'm still betting on Nibali--so Chris Purito Roche Valverde and Samu (shut up! will too!), good luck sluggin' it out for the rest of the podium!
--when the Belgians drop out of a race due to cold, you *know* it's bull!@#$. Bad enough the Pyreneean Meat Locker o' Carnage blasted poor Ivan Basso--who really looked great--Roman Kreuziger and LL Cool Sanchez outta the saddle, and Gilbert had good reasons to go anyway, but really? Jelle Vanendert? Nick Nuyens? Poor pelotonsicles!
--didja see who's leading the team classification? It's our beloved Euskaltel-Euskadi, honey--woooooooooo-hooooooooooooooooooooo! Now, onto the stage wins--will too either, haters!
Guess Who's Back(Door) in Training (Almost)! in other cycling news, in a truly pass-out-worthy description of his healing perineal region (at least for the more ladylike among us), bad-luck Classics bad-boy Tom Boonen is but (ha! I said "but!") a few weeks away from resuming training, which means, barring a freak elbow infection, training crash, Lamborghini bang-up, club-drug relapse, or another ginormous monster meteorite of a cyst, he'll be back on form and back in action for a stormin' old-school Tommeke 2014 Classics campaign. Get well soon, Tom--not only 'cause we love you, but 'cause we can't bear any more graphic details!
I'm Glad It's Your Birthday/Happy Birthday To You: last but not least, happy 32nd birthday to ragin' late-season squadra azzurra contender/primo peloton pinup Pippo Pozzato, clearly enjoying his recent down time.
Buon Compleanno Pippo! Okay, rest up everyone--it ain't over yet, and we've still got some serious mountains left to go!
Saturday, September 07, 2013
Welcome to the Mountains (With Apologies to Guns'n'Roses) #lavuelta
Welcome to the mountains
We've got fun'n'games
We'll climb each one of the Pyrenees
Before we know the names
We are the teammates that will chase
Down any one you need
But if you treat us badly, captain
We'll screw you for GC
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
Won't you be my, my, my domestique?
Oooh, I'm gonna make you scream!
Welcome to the mountains
We take it day by day
Some asshat running next to me
smacked his camera in my face
And you've got a really great team doc
Very hard to beat
You can have the stage win if you want
But you better not take the GC
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
That crash is gonna make you bleed, bleed
Ooooooh, now you're gonna lose speed!
Welcome to the mountains
It gets worse here every day
If the weather turns your nuts to ice
It's just the price you pay
And you're a very tough DS
Very hard to please
But if I blow it, Vino, we know
You're gonna break my knees
in the mountains, welcome to the mountains
I better get the, the, the red jersey
Oooh, I'm gonna watch you freeze!
And when you're high you always...gotta safely come down...so down...I'm down....aiiiiggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
You know where you are?
You're in the mountains baby,
You're gonna diiiieeeeeeeeeeee
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
Hope the soigneur's got what you need, need
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
The pain'll make you plead, plead
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
Shoulda taken that feed, feed
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
They're gonna bring you down....Huuuaaahhhhhhh!
We've got fun'n'games
We'll climb each one of the Pyrenees
Before we know the names
We are the teammates that will chase
Down any one you need
But if you treat us badly, captain
We'll screw you for GC
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
Won't you be my, my, my domestique?
Oooh, I'm gonna make you scream!
Welcome to the mountains
We take it day by day
Some asshat running next to me
smacked his camera in my face
And you've got a really great team doc
Very hard to beat
You can have the stage win if you want
But you better not take the GC
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
That crash is gonna make you bleed, bleed
Ooooooh, now you're gonna lose speed!
Welcome to the mountains
It gets worse here every day
If the weather turns your nuts to ice
It's just the price you pay
And you're a very tough DS
Very hard to please
But if I blow it, Vino, we know
You're gonna break my knees
in the mountains, welcome to the mountains
I better get the, the, the red jersey
Oooh, I'm gonna watch you freeze!
And when you're high you always...gotta safely come down...so down...I'm down....aiiiiggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
You know where you are?
You're in the mountains baby,
You're gonna diiiieeeeeeeeeeee
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
Hope the soigneur's got what you need, need
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
The pain'll make you plead, plead
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
Shoulda taken that feed, feed
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
They're gonna bring you down....Huuuaaahhhhhhh!
Thursday, September 05, 2013
Curse (of the Rainbow Jersey), Foiled Again!; Euskaltel News; and, the Call of the (Kirsten) Wild
Like the Red Sox's, But, Not *Quite* as Long: yep, after a long hot drought of a year, Philippe Gilbert's finally broken the Curse, taking his primo win in his World Champ stripes in a theoretical sprint stage at the Vuelta a Espana and gettin' his form on nicely ahead of his 2013 defense. And geez, what a nail-nipper--this is almost as great a performance as when he screamed his head off in front of that little girl in the Tour for her doofus dad's letting their giant Newfie wander into the course and almost take Gilbert out!
Oh wait, here's the sprint: Right on Philippe--you've done that jersey proud!
Wild Thing: and, over at the Holland Ladies Tour (won since, well, birth by Marianne Vos), Kirsten Wild's added two outta three stages so far to her existing huge palmares, tho' ever-fearsome Trixi Worrack remains race leader. Watch out Giorgia Bronzini, now Kirsten's racking up the multiple stage wins--I call a contest! Here's her first one:
Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Alonso: meantime, future-non-Euskaltel continues to move along (waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! waaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!), with none other than a former ONCE rider and Lance's ol' teammie Chechu Rubiera rumored to be near signing on to manage the squad, with you-goddamn-better-keep-Euskaltel's-Igor-Gonzalez-de-Galdeano as reputed technical director. Possible complication: Bjarne Riis sez he's, like, totally best buds with Alberto Contador, who's still under contract anyway, and he's not gonna address a buncha stupid lunch-room rumors that from a buncha jealous alpha-beeyotches anyway. Get ready to fight for your man, Alonso--or at least pay the hell up for 'im!
Speaking of Guys With Bad Seasons: I gotta admit, I'm starting to feel pretty bad for Andy Schleck, who wasn't even selected to the Luxembourg Worlds squad this year. Ah geez, I'm gettin' soft--get your legs back soon Andy, at least just to stop the indignity!
Bee Movie: last but not least, serious props to red-jersey bad-!@# Vincenzo Nibali, stung by a bee in the face during training, unable to properly treat it (to Vino's unsurprising rage, considering the !@#$ *he's* taken), and still posting a great time in the individual time trial. I'd say "forza," but you've already demonstrated your strength pretty clearly, right?
Oh wait, here's the sprint: Right on Philippe--you've done that jersey proud!Wild Thing: and, over at the Holland Ladies Tour (won since, well, birth by Marianne Vos), Kirsten Wild's added two outta three stages so far to her existing huge palmares, tho' ever-fearsome Trixi Worrack remains race leader. Watch out Giorgia Bronzini, now Kirsten's racking up the multiple stage wins--I call a contest! Here's her first one:
Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Alonso: meantime, future-non-Euskaltel continues to move along (waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! waaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!), with none other than a former ONCE rider and Lance's ol' teammie Chechu Rubiera rumored to be near signing on to manage the squad, with you-goddamn-better-keep-Euskaltel's-Igor-Gonzalez-de-Galdeano as reputed technical director. Possible complication: Bjarne Riis sez he's, like, totally best buds with Alberto Contador, who's still under contract anyway, and he's not gonna address a buncha stupid lunch-room rumors that from a buncha jealous alpha-beeyotches anyway. Get ready to fight for your man, Alonso--or at least pay the hell up for 'im!
Speaking of Guys With Bad Seasons: I gotta admit, I'm starting to feel pretty bad for Andy Schleck, who wasn't even selected to the Luxembourg Worlds squad this year. Ah geez, I'm gettin' soft--get your legs back soon Andy, at least just to stop the indignity!
Bee Movie: last but not least, serious props to red-jersey bad-!@# Vincenzo Nibali, stung by a bee in the face during training, unable to properly treat it (to Vino's unsurprising rage, considering the !@#$ *he's* taken), and still posting a great time in the individual time trial. I'd say "forza," but you've already demonstrated your strength pretty clearly, right?
Tuesday, September 03, 2013
It's Yer Vuelta a Espana Rest-Day Roundup!
Well, it's been a lively and rather unexpected stages 1-10 at this year's fabulous Vuelta, and today, while the boys rest up and field uncomfortable press questions, it's time to take stock. So what've we learned so far?
1. No, there's no evidence to suggest that double stage-winner Chris Horner, age approximately 96, has done anything, y'know, suspect. But *damn*, it sure looks weird.
2. Samu' and the rest of Euskaltel have been very distressed emotionally. So bite me! Go to hell! They will too come back and win a bucket o' stages and make up four minutes and podium!
3. Speaking of Euskaltel, you gotta love SaxoTinkoff oligarch/raging nutwhack Oleg Tinkov for his cheerful !@#$-you tweet: "If Bjarne get rid of Conta I may re-think may departure from #TeamSaxoTinkoff". There's elegance (and certainly no sour grapes) in your compliments to those you work with, Oleg!
4. Yep. Alejandro Valverde continues to creep me out a little. Oh, but all that was so very long ago...
5. Geez, disgraced-'n-redeemed elder statesman Ivan Basso's really lookin' pretty strong out there. Plus, he's so dreeeeeeeeamy!
6. Didja see Giorgia Bronzini blitzed another sprint, *again*? !@#$, just kick out a coupla the ProTour teams barely gacking it through the stages out there and let her in instead!
7. Speaking of sprints, I still think Tyler Farrar can take one. One good win and I'm sure he'll snap outta his funk!
8. If Andy Schleck were here, and losing, he'd be lauded all over the place for his amazing accomplishments. So why're Ten Dam and Mollema taking so much crap?
Well, I'm sure I missed a lotta important stuff, but I'll leave that to those with more of a clue than I got. As for tomorrow, lookin' forward to some GC damage in the time trial, let's get the next few flat stages over with, then it's time for some serious pain next weekend!
1. No, there's no evidence to suggest that double stage-winner Chris Horner, age approximately 96, has done anything, y'know, suspect. But *damn*, it sure looks weird.
2. Samu' and the rest of Euskaltel have been very distressed emotionally. So bite me! Go to hell! They will too come back and win a bucket o' stages and make up four minutes and podium!
3. Speaking of Euskaltel, you gotta love SaxoTinkoff oligarch/raging nutwhack Oleg Tinkov for his cheerful !@#$-you tweet: "If Bjarne get rid of Conta I may re-think may departure from #TeamSaxoTinkoff". There's elegance (and certainly no sour grapes) in your compliments to those you work with, Oleg!
4. Yep. Alejandro Valverde continues to creep me out a little. Oh, but all that was so very long ago...
5. Geez, disgraced-'n-redeemed elder statesman Ivan Basso's really lookin' pretty strong out there. Plus, he's so dreeeeeeeeamy!
6. Didja see Giorgia Bronzini blitzed another sprint, *again*? !@#$, just kick out a coupla the ProTour teams barely gacking it through the stages out there and let her in instead!
7. Speaking of sprints, I still think Tyler Farrar can take one. One good win and I'm sure he'll snap outta his funk!
8. If Andy Schleck were here, and losing, he'd be lauded all over the place for his amazing accomplishments. So why're Ten Dam and Mollema taking so much crap?
Well, I'm sure I missed a lotta important stuff, but I'll leave that to those with more of a clue than I got. As for tomorrow, lookin' forward to some GC damage in the time trial, let's get the next few flat stages over with, then it's time for some serious pain next weekend!
Monday, September 02, 2013
Euskaltel Saved?! SortaKindaNotReallyMaybeButI'llTakeAnythingICanGetAtThisPoint
Aupa...Whoever You're Gonna Be!: Yes, our dear Euskaltel-Euskadi's ProTour license has been bought out by ridiculously wealthy Formula 1 auto racer/Samu' riding pal/Contador close bud Fernando Alonso. And so, our beloved squad's gonna kinda continue in the way that, well, QuickStep became I'm-still-not-calling-it-Omega-Pharma and ONCE became Liberty Seguros became Astana and--hey, you know the sponsorship dance. Except it'll be based in Asturias, not the Basque country, telecom company Euskaltel is out, no other Basque institution will take it on, and it'll be built up into a whole new squad. Big (if agonizingly temporary) saving grace--it'll remain basically still our darling little Basque carrots through next year (to the extent this year's stupid points-grabbing strategy didn't already toss Amets and the rest of 'em to other squads like last night's compost-tossed leftovers) and perhaps even a bit into 2015, with anyone having a current contract like Samuel Sanchez, Igor Anton (nice try QuickStep!), Mikel Nieve and the Izagirre brothers stayin' with the squad at least til those run out. So in the end, is this good or bad? Well, he's clearly gonna take it international, so the soul of our unique little squad'll be lost. Alonso's already paying homage to the past, firmly laying out his goals for the future, but imploring the rabid orange army fans to stick with 'im. As a modest reprieve, ex-Euskaltel rider/current DS Igor Gonzalez de Galdeano is expected to stay, and, if we're in any luck, Alonso's not planning to completely gut it yet buy a buncha totally irrelevant whogivesacrapaboutems and stuff the remaining Euskaltel talent into Team Contador domestique uber-servitude til we've had til say 2016 to digest the loss. So here's the new king's site, and the press release. Oh, either way I can't stand it--I'll take what I can get but they'll never truly be who they were--treat those twee little Basque climbers well, Alonso, or you'll *need* a freakin' racecar to outrun those fans! 
Friday, August 30, 2013
It's Yer Most 'a Week One Vuelta a Espana ('n' Nother Stuff) Roundup!
What Happened: yeah, you saw it: they rolled off a glass thingie, the uphills started almost instantaneously, Chris Horner redeemed RadioSkank's whole season grabbing the leader's jersey then lost it on some crap split to Nibali who really oughtn't have it so soon 'cause the last thing he needs is to squander the hell outta the squad's energy so early so he better hope Horner hasn't sought weight-stuffing solace in a giant McFlurry binge, Euskaltel is clearly waiting patiently to slaughter everyone this coming week (bite me! are too! and they're really stressed, so stuff it!), there's now officially at least two Saxo-Tinkoff riders Oleg Tinkov won't be breakin' their kneecaps before the end of the season so clearly there's some brains (and legs) left in that troubled operation, and there's been a buncha fast flat stages and I honestly do hope poor psyched out Tyler Farrar wins one 'cuz he really can do it but he's had an awful tough coupla years and has no lead-out to boot so cut him some freakin' slack !@#dammit. Yesterday: your early but clear winner of the 2013 Racejunkie Awards for Agonizing Almost Win o' the year in a truly soul-smooshing nail-biting finish after basically a 174.99k solo time trial by gutsy Tony Martin: Holy crap Tony you've got heart--one of the few performances I've seen of late that really, genuinely qualifies as "epic"!
What's Gonna Happen: this weekend, we finally hit some hills this weekend, baby, and it's time for (1) Samu' to take back some time, (2) Rodriguez to spit Horner off the podium like a glommy scrappy lougie; and (3) Valverde to either (a) make a spectacular move or (b) have a spectacular crack. Dear little retired-but-all-kindsa-into-youth-cycling-and-still-happy-riding-his-bike-and-hangin'-with-his-kids 2008 Tour de France champ Carlos Sastre's assessment: not really properly deferential to Sanchez's fabulousness, but bettin' on long-ago-and-admittedly-underrated ex-teammate Purito for an inevitable if-not-now-soon Grand Tour victory, and correctly pegging Euskaltel's Mikel Nieve as Spanish star o' the future. So we still love you Sastre!
'Nother Stuff Roundup: Cadel's not gonna ride the Tour anymore because he doesn't think he can win, but for a purported run at the Worlds Contador is drastically downscaling his expectations after a crap 2013, Wiggo has completely conceded defeat, Cav honestly misses the track, disgusting vindictive sycophant/enabler Pat "Dick" McQuaid continues to try to wreck the sport I can even believe he thinks he loves, and anyone who ever, *ever*, EVER uses the glorious Giro and/or Vuelta as also-rans to the Tour because they can't bag the Grand Boucle doesn't deserve to win those far-cooler races anyway. Oh, and Thomas "the Grimace" Voeckler nabbed a stage win after his indifferent July at the Tour-of-Sorry-I-Really-Suck-At-Spelling-Stuff-In-French-No-Diss-Intended, so right on to him, and here, his fine victory:
Okay, it's on to Land o' No Blog Coverage for a coupla days, so Vuelta fans, enjoy the race!
What's Gonna Happen: this weekend, we finally hit some hills this weekend, baby, and it's time for (1) Samu' to take back some time, (2) Rodriguez to spit Horner off the podium like a glommy scrappy lougie; and (3) Valverde to either (a) make a spectacular move or (b) have a spectacular crack. Dear little retired-but-all-kindsa-into-youth-cycling-and-still-happy-riding-his-bike-and-hangin'-with-his-kids 2008 Tour de France champ Carlos Sastre's assessment: not really properly deferential to Sanchez's fabulousness, but bettin' on long-ago-and-admittedly-underrated ex-teammate Purito for an inevitable if-not-now-soon Grand Tour victory, and correctly pegging Euskaltel's Mikel Nieve as Spanish star o' the future. So we still love you Sastre!
'Nother Stuff Roundup: Cadel's not gonna ride the Tour anymore because he doesn't think he can win, but for a purported run at the Worlds Contador is drastically downscaling his expectations after a crap 2013, Wiggo has completely conceded defeat, Cav honestly misses the track, disgusting vindictive sycophant/enabler Pat "Dick" McQuaid continues to try to wreck the sport I can even believe he thinks he loves, and anyone who ever, *ever*, EVER uses the glorious Giro and/or Vuelta as also-rans to the Tour because they can't bag the Grand Boucle doesn't deserve to win those far-cooler races anyway. Oh, and Thomas "the Grimace" Voeckler nabbed a stage win after his indifferent July at the Tour-of-Sorry-I-Really-Suck-At-Spelling-Stuff-In-French-No-Diss-Intended, so right on to him, and here, his fine victory:
Okay, it's on to Land o' No Blog Coverage for a coupla days, so Vuelta fans, enjoy the race!
Sunday, August 25, 2013
DS Strangelove: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and (Almost) Love Johan Bruyneel
Johan (Kinda) Speaks: OK, he's the scourge of the sport. And let's face it, the man is nowhere near as darling as, say, ultimo guilty pleasure Alexandre Vinokourov. But I gotta say, his bangin' interview with the fine folks over at cyclingnews--replete with well-advised refusals to answer anything *really* fun--almost made me rethink my knee-jerk loathing of the dissembling weasel who masterminded the most successful, sophisticated, and omerta-enforcing systemic doping program in cycling history--and let's be honest, that's saying a *lot*. Why? Mainly, I must admit, because prima-donna extreme-co-dependent overrated-but-pretty-good-for-a-lazy-!@# Andy Schleck, and his wind-beneath-my-wings brother Frank, clearly annoyed the hell outta him. And yeah, why *didn't* anyone expect anything out of Andy's vaguely improved Tour de France form at say the Vuelta? Bombshell allegation: not that Alberto Contador was so pissed at his egomaniacally publicity-whoring hero Armstrong's comeback that he almost left on the spot, but that he was so pissed he almost signed for relentlessly clean zero-tolerance reformed-wah-wah-hiring-only *Garmin*, which apparently was ready to take him on despite his even then disgusting alleged (and totally unrepentant throughout) history. Still angry your voluntarily-doping ex-worker-bee Jonathan Vaughters got exalted as Clean Savior o' Cycling along with half yer other dirty boys while you got exiled from the sport you launched into heretofore-unheard-of (on our side of the pond) cash-cow world-famous cult worship? Uh, yep!
Euskaltel Doesn't Do Too Bad!: shut up, did not either: sure, Vincenzo Nibali already grabbed the leader's jersey (which I presume he'll ditch right soon), and gained nigh a minute on most of his rivals, but dear Euskaltel-Euskadi didn't do we love Samuel Sanchez *too* much damage on the ITT: despite basically being sorta slaughtered by Henao at Sky and Valverde at Movistar, Samu was still only about 15 seconds down on Joaquim Rodriguez, and a good 10 up on long-shot Ivan Basso after the first Vuelta stage, if you don't count the fact (as I naturally do not) that he got kinda dropped today too because HE IS CLEARLY INTENTIONALLY SAVING A VICIOUS BLAST OF PODIUM-BLITZING ENERGY FOR HIS WEAKLING GC COMPETITORS IN THE PYRENEES. Aupa Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeeellllll--now get up off the ground Igor and Mikel, and take those mountains *on*!
One Divine Hammer (Not Coming Down on SaxoBank): and, congrats to stage 2 Vuelta winner/SaxoBank great-hire Nicholas Roche, who not only grabbed a great stage on the first uphill finish of the race, but way beats dog-house-dwellin' Contador as one rider team boss Oleg Tinkov ain't gonna slag on Twitter, well, today. Great job Roche--maybe you could, y'know, share the secrets of today's success with yer team leader?
Sufferin' 'Til Suffrage: finally, colossal shout-out to officially-launched Women's Cycling Association, dedicated to promoting the women's sport and, one hopes, shortly inaugurating the first three-week women's Tour de France. Thank you to all at WCA--I look forward to seeing you and your mentees scorchin' the tarmac for many years to come!
Euskaltel Doesn't Do Too Bad!: shut up, did not either: sure, Vincenzo Nibali already grabbed the leader's jersey (which I presume he'll ditch right soon), and gained nigh a minute on most of his rivals, but dear Euskaltel-Euskadi didn't do we love Samuel Sanchez *too* much damage on the ITT: despite basically being sorta slaughtered by Henao at Sky and Valverde at Movistar, Samu was still only about 15 seconds down on Joaquim Rodriguez, and a good 10 up on long-shot Ivan Basso after the first Vuelta stage, if you don't count the fact (as I naturally do not) that he got kinda dropped today too because HE IS CLEARLY INTENTIONALLY SAVING A VICIOUS BLAST OF PODIUM-BLITZING ENERGY FOR HIS WEAKLING GC COMPETITORS IN THE PYRENEES. Aupa Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeeellllll--now get up off the ground Igor and Mikel, and take those mountains *on*!
One Divine Hammer (Not Coming Down on SaxoBank): and, congrats to stage 2 Vuelta winner/SaxoBank great-hire Nicholas Roche, who not only grabbed a great stage on the first uphill finish of the race, but way beats dog-house-dwellin' Contador as one rider team boss Oleg Tinkov ain't gonna slag on Twitter, well, today. Great job Roche--maybe you could, y'know, share the secrets of today's success with yer team leader?
Sufferin' 'Til Suffrage: finally, colossal shout-out to officially-launched Women's Cycling Association, dedicated to promoting the women's sport and, one hopes, shortly inaugurating the first three-week women's Tour de France. Thank you to all at WCA--I look forward to seeing you and your mentees scorchin' the tarmac for many years to come!
Friday, August 23, 2013
It's Yer Vuelta a Espana in Preview, Part Dos!: The GC Contenders, and 'Nother Stuff
Yep, the glorious Vuelta is really nigh--woo-hoo! So now that we know all about the course--which, basically, is "!@#$ I hate team trials I already have to make up 59 seconds," "up," "more up," "seriously up," "Jesus can we get a !@#$in' rest day already?" and "ow, !@#$!"--who's our contenders for the coveted golden jersey of General Classification champ in Madrid? These 'uns:
Samuel Sanchez (Euskaltel): shut up! will too! bite me! Fresh from skipping the Tour, and with the major pressure of both team leader and Carrying His Squad Off Into History (aaaiaaiiiiiigggghhhhh!) With a Noble Unforgettable Bang, Samu' is rested from skipping the Tour, kindly escorted dark horse rival/good bud Ivan Basso up the decisive climb barely a week past, and is trying hard to put the team's troubles aside to focus on his beloved home race. Plus, his squad is desperate to put on a serious farewell show for their screaming heartbroken local orange-army fans. Podium, dammit!
Alejandro Valverde (Movistar): screwed at the Tour by a crosswind and the Worst Timed Mechanical in All Human History, but still scrappy enough (and up against a depleted Contador enough) to handsomely come back, everyone's favorite blood ba--uh, catastrophically erratic powerhouse is interested in revenge, and to reclaim the Grand Tour that should've been his. Who's not here and who he doesn't have to nursemaid (to be fair, like the kid even needs it): mountain freak-o'-nature Nairo Quintana, so he's got the whole team at his disposal no matter what happens, like he forgets to eat and bonks spectacularly, he's really unhappy with the way "American Idol" is going, he develops an exceedingly distracting hangnail, or his bike spontaneously explodes when some hapless caring fan tosses water over Alejandro to cool 'im on a climb and it reacts badly with the rocket fuel leaking from a hidden canister in his top tube. Good luck, Alejandro--though let's be honest, it squicks out an awful lotta people when you win stuff!
Vincenzo Nibali: heralded as the likely winner as he rested up and sat out July, and also really, really wants Paolo Bettini to back him for the Worlds, but here's his prob: he put on a bucket o' lead weight on his !@# and didn't (and sorta couldn't) train during his obligatory post-Giro victory tours of Italy and Kazakhstan, had a sludgy Tour o' Poland, and has been psyched out being publicly lectured by his team management ever since. Major Plus: Alexandre Vinokourov will personally and with the bonus assistance of large hired goons break his !@#$in' legs into a million tiny toothpicks if he doesn't win anyway. There is nothing to fear but fear itself, Vincenzo--and Vino, so hunker down and ride like you mean it, or else!
Joaquim Rodriguez (Katusha): honest, what can't Purito do? Yes, he's tired like everyone else from the Tour, but he is consistent, he is tranquillo, he is wily, and even out of his mind with exhaustion he's still capable of a surprise punch. More, he is expert at gauging the relative weaknesses of his rivals and conserving or blowing his own resources accordingly. We love you Purito--but we still hope Samu' kicks your !@#!
Who the Hell Knowses: yep, there's Ivan all right, jacked out of his darling and reliable Giro and still the Tour with a disgusting golf-ball-sized cyst of the nether regions. Still, even as he ages like a fine preservative-stuffed cheese, our formerly amazingly arrogant Next Lance can sneak in under the radar with modest expectations, his slow-n'-steady rather'n showily (ex)Contadorian style, and some bizarrely !@#$ luck for the other GC guys. In bocca al lupo, Ivan--you're gonna need it! Other folks to watch: Sky's 2012 superdomestique climber Sergio Henao, Tour de France absolute Contador savior Roman Kreuziger, and even, it's rumored (hyped, whatever), Garmin and we love Ireland's Dan Martin. Chris Horner sez so too, but holy moly--have you *seen* who he's up against for heck's sake?
Who Ain't Here: the aforementioned Quintana, the broken dispirited totally-whipped utterly-in-hiding Contador, and Tour champ Chris Froome. What is he, an idiot he'd take the PR chance of chokin' on this gig after his fantabulous July?
Fun Stuff to Watch: can Philippe Gilbert finally break the Curse of the Rainbow Jersey and get a !@#damn stage already, or will it be left up to perpetual BMC cleanup-crew Marco Pinotti to take it home? Can Tyler Farrar get a win here before the mountains slaughter 'im or what? Have Bauke Mollema and Theo Bos recovered enough from July to inspire continued confidence that they can live up to their breathless bodice-ripper press-hype? Why the !@#$ is Cofidis even here besides the fact they have to be? And, keep yer eye on' Giro d'Italia Holy Crap I Can't Believe They Gave Contador's Victory to This Clown winner Michele Scarponi of all people, gettin' older, pissing off Lampre with his involvement in yet another systemic team doping scandal so why are they all mad at him those ludicrous hypocrites if they egged him on to do it, and dearly hoping for continued employment. Yep, as usual, all the real fun'll be in the sideshow--so let's keep our eyes on the main stage, but enjoy the freak show outside!
All right, dear reader: it's time for the along-with-the-Giro the bitchinest race of the year, and darling Euskaltel, time for the team TT of your lives!
Samuel Sanchez (Euskaltel): shut up! will too! bite me! Fresh from skipping the Tour, and with the major pressure of both team leader and Carrying His Squad Off Into History (aaaiaaiiiiiigggghhhhh!) With a Noble Unforgettable Bang, Samu' is rested from skipping the Tour, kindly escorted dark horse rival/good bud Ivan Basso up the decisive climb barely a week past, and is trying hard to put the team's troubles aside to focus on his beloved home race. Plus, his squad is desperate to put on a serious farewell show for their screaming heartbroken local orange-army fans. Podium, dammit!
Alejandro Valverde (Movistar): screwed at the Tour by a crosswind and the Worst Timed Mechanical in All Human History, but still scrappy enough (and up against a depleted Contador enough) to handsomely come back, everyone's favorite blood ba--uh, catastrophically erratic powerhouse is interested in revenge, and to reclaim the Grand Tour that should've been his. Who's not here and who he doesn't have to nursemaid (to be fair, like the kid even needs it): mountain freak-o'-nature Nairo Quintana, so he's got the whole team at his disposal no matter what happens, like he forgets to eat and bonks spectacularly, he's really unhappy with the way "American Idol" is going, he develops an exceedingly distracting hangnail, or his bike spontaneously explodes when some hapless caring fan tosses water over Alejandro to cool 'im on a climb and it reacts badly with the rocket fuel leaking from a hidden canister in his top tube. Good luck, Alejandro--though let's be honest, it squicks out an awful lotta people when you win stuff!
Vincenzo Nibali: heralded as the likely winner as he rested up and sat out July, and also really, really wants Paolo Bettini to back him for the Worlds, but here's his prob: he put on a bucket o' lead weight on his !@# and didn't (and sorta couldn't) train during his obligatory post-Giro victory tours of Italy and Kazakhstan, had a sludgy Tour o' Poland, and has been psyched out being publicly lectured by his team management ever since. Major Plus: Alexandre Vinokourov will personally and with the bonus assistance of large hired goons break his !@#$in' legs into a million tiny toothpicks if he doesn't win anyway. There is nothing to fear but fear itself, Vincenzo--and Vino, so hunker down and ride like you mean it, or else!
Joaquim Rodriguez (Katusha): honest, what can't Purito do? Yes, he's tired like everyone else from the Tour, but he is consistent, he is tranquillo, he is wily, and even out of his mind with exhaustion he's still capable of a surprise punch. More, he is expert at gauging the relative weaknesses of his rivals and conserving or blowing his own resources accordingly. We love you Purito--but we still hope Samu' kicks your !@#!
Who the Hell Knowses: yep, there's Ivan all right, jacked out of his darling and reliable Giro and still the Tour with a disgusting golf-ball-sized cyst of the nether regions. Still, even as he ages like a fine preservative-stuffed cheese, our formerly amazingly arrogant Next Lance can sneak in under the radar with modest expectations, his slow-n'-steady rather'n showily (ex)Contadorian style, and some bizarrely !@#$ luck for the other GC guys. In bocca al lupo, Ivan--you're gonna need it! Other folks to watch: Sky's 2012 superdomestique climber Sergio Henao, Tour de France absolute Contador savior Roman Kreuziger, and even, it's rumored (hyped, whatever), Garmin and we love Ireland's Dan Martin. Chris Horner sez so too, but holy moly--have you *seen* who he's up against for heck's sake?
Who Ain't Here: the aforementioned Quintana, the broken dispirited totally-whipped utterly-in-hiding Contador, and Tour champ Chris Froome. What is he, an idiot he'd take the PR chance of chokin' on this gig after his fantabulous July?
Fun Stuff to Watch: can Philippe Gilbert finally break the Curse of the Rainbow Jersey and get a !@#damn stage already, or will it be left up to perpetual BMC cleanup-crew Marco Pinotti to take it home? Can Tyler Farrar get a win here before the mountains slaughter 'im or what? Have Bauke Mollema and Theo Bos recovered enough from July to inspire continued confidence that they can live up to their breathless bodice-ripper press-hype? Why the !@#$ is Cofidis even here besides the fact they have to be? And, keep yer eye on' Giro d'Italia Holy Crap I Can't Believe They Gave Contador's Victory to This Clown winner Michele Scarponi of all people, gettin' older, pissing off Lampre with his involvement in yet another systemic team doping scandal so why are they all mad at him those ludicrous hypocrites if they egged him on to do it, and dearly hoping for continued employment. Yep, as usual, all the real fun'll be in the sideshow--so let's keep our eyes on the main stage, but enjoy the freak show outside!
All right, dear reader: it's time for the along-with-the-Giro the bitchinest race of the year, and darling Euskaltel, time for the team TT of your lives!
Thursday, August 22, 2013
It's Yer Vuelta a Espana Preview, Part Uno!; and, Bonus Boonen Nut News!
Yes, despite the bone-crushing news of Euskaltel-Euskadi's season-end demise (aaaaaiiiiggghhhhhhh! aaaaaiiiigggggggh! aaaaiaiiigggghh!), we can console ourselves with this: it's the fabulous Vuelta a Espana, baby! Yer Part Un Preview:
The Course: this ain't no wimpy Tour de France, baby--stage one we've got a 27k individual time trial to get someone into gold, then it's right into the mountains and some serious pain from there. 1 team time trial, 1 individual (and mercifully hilly) time trial, 6 pretty flat stages, and 13--count 'em, 13--medium to high mountain stages, with 11 leg-munching mountain-top finishes to send Euskaltel and the GC contenders soaring and pretty well everyone else crumbling like a pile of stale cookies. Some stages to watch: Stage 2's 177k schlep up the Cat 1 Alto do Monte de Groba. Stage 8: we pile on some serious high-altitude agony with finishes at, on consecutive days, the Cat 1 Alto de Penas Blancas and the hors categorie Alto de Hazallanas. Next up, a 38 k individual time trial to freak out the GC contenders, then it's right into the Pyrenees, with an epic schlep up to the Col de Peyragoudes, three more mountain top finishes, and, on the second to last day, the surely decisive Angliru'. Ouch for them--woo-hoo for us! Sprints?: really, it's not the Tour, who gives a crap? The official website: lavuelta com. Onwards and lots of upwards, beeyotches!
Bonus Boonen News!: and, in a totally irrelevant but still earth-shattering diversion--and no, I'm not ready to discuss Euskaltel transfers (aiiiigggghhhhhhh! aaaaaiiiigggghhhhh! aaaaiiiigggghhhh!) yet--poor Tom Boonen's crap 2013 season is officially over, tanked by a nut-crushing saddlesore and, gnarliest of all, fear that surgery on this tender area would cause a lumpy and distinctly saddle-uncomfortable scar in an extremely sensitive area. Rest up, whet away that excess energy on your Ferrari, and come back unsored and ready for revenge in 2014, Tommeke!
Part Dos: the GC contenders. And stage fighters. Aupa Samuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
The Course: this ain't no wimpy Tour de France, baby--stage one we've got a 27k individual time trial to get someone into gold, then it's right into the mountains and some serious pain from there. 1 team time trial, 1 individual (and mercifully hilly) time trial, 6 pretty flat stages, and 13--count 'em, 13--medium to high mountain stages, with 11 leg-munching mountain-top finishes to send Euskaltel and the GC contenders soaring and pretty well everyone else crumbling like a pile of stale cookies. Some stages to watch: Stage 2's 177k schlep up the Cat 1 Alto do Monte de Groba. Stage 8: we pile on some serious high-altitude agony with finishes at, on consecutive days, the Cat 1 Alto de Penas Blancas and the hors categorie Alto de Hazallanas. Next up, a 38 k individual time trial to freak out the GC contenders, then it's right into the Pyrenees, with an epic schlep up to the Col de Peyragoudes, three more mountain top finishes, and, on the second to last day, the surely decisive Angliru'. Ouch for them--woo-hoo for us! Sprints?: really, it's not the Tour, who gives a crap? The official website: lavuelta com. Onwards and lots of upwards, beeyotches!
Bonus Boonen News!: and, in a totally irrelevant but still earth-shattering diversion--and no, I'm not ready to discuss Euskaltel transfers (aiiiigggghhhhhhh! aaaaaiiiigggghhhhh! aaaaiiiigggghhhh!) yet--poor Tom Boonen's crap 2013 season is officially over, tanked by a nut-crushing saddlesore and, gnarliest of all, fear that surgery on this tender area would cause a lumpy and distinctly saddle-uncomfortable scar in an extremely sensitive area. Rest up, whet away that excess energy on your Ferrari, and come back unsored and ready for revenge in 2014, Tommeke!
Part Dos: the GC contenders. And stage fighters. Aupa Samuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Euskaltel-Euskadi, 1994-2013: You Suck, Cycling Sponsors!
Yes, after years of horrid rumors and monstrous suggestions o' imminent doom, it's finally come true: dear Euskaltel-Euskadi can't come up with the dough (despite my offer to hold a bakesale, I might add), and is officially shutting down, with the fabulous Vuelta a Espana as its brave last stand. A mild and wholly inadequate plus: they'll be bringing one of their strongest teams ever, with loyal leader/Olympic gold medalist/HOW THE !@#$ COULD YOU LET THIS TEAM DIE YOU LOATHESOME BASTARDS/Tour de France KOM so stuff it we love Samuel Sanchez aiming for--and no doubt landing on--the podium, Tour 2013 revelation Mikel Nieve, the erratic but oh-so-close-to-recent-Vuelta-victory Igor Anton, Egoi, Gorka, Juanjo, Pablo, and 'nother Mikel Landa to leave all the other mountain wannabes piteously crawling in their wake and liven up every breakaway with an often-futile-if-ever-glorious show of bravado.
I gotta say, my heart's breaking. I mean !@#$, this is like the day Shea Stadium closed. Euskaltel is a key reason I fell in love with pro cycling in the first place, its wee featherweight climbers scaling unimaginable steeps with shocking tranquillity, the heaving hulking sprinters gacking helplessly two passes back in the autobus, their screaming orange fans always the best and most entertaining in the biz. Flawed, fragile Iban Mayo--shut up! bite me!--still remains one of my favorite climbers of all time, and it's been nice to see he's regained his happiness after an awful if self-inflicted tumultuous time, and it's been lovely to see the riders I began with graduate into DS and other roles in the team. And despite the disgusting cannibalism of the other teams often grasping the best of Euskaltel's talent with their fat gaudy checkbooks and vulgar Euskaltel-crushing budgets--and most notably in my opinion, dragging Haimar Zubeldia from a GC contender to a superdomestique, but what the hell, he picked RadioSkank--seeing the exes bloom at squads like Movistar was an acceptable, if still disappointing, alternative. The team's forced last-season flirtation with ditching its essential Basqueness in favor of WorldTour points from seemingly lesser riders is, to me, already forgotten, a bad hangover from a brilliant night out. Euskaltel could never time trial, either individually or as a charmingly wind-blown team but then, it never cared. And the first time it really took sprinting seriously--with Lobato, this season--the kid took a freakin' 4th in the Tour de France. But its fundamental characteristics--its unique regional focus, its astonishingly consistent and seemingly carefree ability to climb, its almost incestuous relationship with its fan base, the perpetual love of the riders, past and present, for the team--never once changed in a fickle, political sport. I guess nothing rhymes with orange after all, and I suppose nothing ever will. In sum there was something very sweet about the squad in a field of desperately lost or annoyingly swaggering counterparts, and for that I'll always be grateful. Aupa and thank you Euskaltel-Euskadi--now, let's take this show out with a bang!
I gotta say, my heart's breaking. I mean !@#$, this is like the day Shea Stadium closed. Euskaltel is a key reason I fell in love with pro cycling in the first place, its wee featherweight climbers scaling unimaginable steeps with shocking tranquillity, the heaving hulking sprinters gacking helplessly two passes back in the autobus, their screaming orange fans always the best and most entertaining in the biz. Flawed, fragile Iban Mayo--shut up! bite me!--still remains one of my favorite climbers of all time, and it's been nice to see he's regained his happiness after an awful if self-inflicted tumultuous time, and it's been lovely to see the riders I began with graduate into DS and other roles in the team. And despite the disgusting cannibalism of the other teams often grasping the best of Euskaltel's talent with their fat gaudy checkbooks and vulgar Euskaltel-crushing budgets--and most notably in my opinion, dragging Haimar Zubeldia from a GC contender to a superdomestique, but what the hell, he picked RadioSkank--seeing the exes bloom at squads like Movistar was an acceptable, if still disappointing, alternative. The team's forced last-season flirtation with ditching its essential Basqueness in favor of WorldTour points from seemingly lesser riders is, to me, already forgotten, a bad hangover from a brilliant night out. Euskaltel could never time trial, either individually or as a charmingly wind-blown team but then, it never cared. And the first time it really took sprinting seriously--with Lobato, this season--the kid took a freakin' 4th in the Tour de France. But its fundamental characteristics--its unique regional focus, its astonishingly consistent and seemingly carefree ability to climb, its almost incestuous relationship with its fan base, the perpetual love of the riders, past and present, for the team--never once changed in a fickle, political sport. I guess nothing rhymes with orange after all, and I suppose nothing ever will. In sum there was something very sweet about the squad in a field of desperately lost or annoyingly swaggering counterparts, and for that I'll always be grateful. Aupa and thank you Euskaltel-Euskadi--now, let's take this show out with a bang!
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Euskaltel-Euskadi Ain't Dead Yet; and, News From the Department of Who Gives a !@#$?
Euskaltel, American Squad?: yes, Euskaltel head honcho (and former rider) Igor Gonzalez de Galdeano has, in contrast to a rumored "today" deadline and earlier suggestions that the boys were free to fly outta the nest, confirmed that the riders aren't *yet* free to go--the team now plans to hold off on an announcement of its fate until (1) the start of the Vuelta or (2) September 1 at the latest. Great, way to psych our dear carrots out for their last potential major race (aaaiiiiggghhhhh!) in orange and black! Latest talk: merger with a freakin' *American* team, which means (1) if Euskaltel does this, and moves here, and ditches their kit, and destroys their philosophy, and hoses over Samuel Sanchez, I'll cry; and (2) uh....yeah, I'll cry. !@#dammit Euskaltel, just sort this out already--my tender innocent heart can't stand the suspense! Look, look, see what bitchin' bikes they ride--how can you *not* give them tons of dough?
No Way! *Way*!: look, in an ideal world, I think everyone who ever doped should be barred from cycling for life. In fact, any obnoxious self-serving asshat who makes a big sanctimonious snake-oil wah-wah after they got popped and themselves had to compete against dirty people or justify their sick Swiss bank accounts should be banned for life *twice*. And for anyone who did that *and* claims they totally coincidentally stopped doping right when the statute of limitations on getting in trouble ran out in 2006--which is funny 'cause I seem to recall like 8000 !@#$in' positives in the 2008 Tour alone--they oughta get a bonus giant kick in the nuts. But realistically back here on Planet Earth, if we did all that, the only people we'd have left to run the whole show'd be like one soigneur a coupla mechanics and a towel boy. So, in the spirit of anti-doping in which I firmly believe, can I say in all honesty I actually don't give a !@#$ that Andreas Klier--what? a rider from Telekom? nuh-*uh*, you liars!--doped in 2005? Did he win 7 Tours? Orchestrate one of the most successful and lucrative systemic doping programs in history? Make it his golden-hero hypocrite life's work to go all destroyer-thug on anyone who fairly called bull!@#$ and threatened his power? No? Then congratulations, we've got a garden-variety jerkface in the house--bad, bad boy Andreas, can we get back to anti-doping efforts that matter *now*?
No Way! *Way*!: look, in an ideal world, I think everyone who ever doped should be barred from cycling for life. In fact, any obnoxious self-serving asshat who makes a big sanctimonious snake-oil wah-wah after they got popped and themselves had to compete against dirty people or justify their sick Swiss bank accounts should be banned for life *twice*. And for anyone who did that *and* claims they totally coincidentally stopped doping right when the statute of limitations on getting in trouble ran out in 2006--which is funny 'cause I seem to recall like 8000 !@#$in' positives in the 2008 Tour alone--they oughta get a bonus giant kick in the nuts. But realistically back here on Planet Earth, if we did all that, the only people we'd have left to run the whole show'd be like one soigneur a coupla mechanics and a towel boy. So, in the spirit of anti-doping in which I firmly believe, can I say in all honesty I actually don't give a !@#$ that Andreas Klier--what? a rider from Telekom? nuh-*uh*, you liars!--doped in 2005? Did he win 7 Tours? Orchestrate one of the most successful and lucrative systemic doping programs in history? Make it his golden-hero hypocrite life's work to go all destroyer-thug on anyone who fairly called bull!@#$ and threatened his power? No? Then congratulations, we've got a garden-variety jerkface in the house--bad, bad boy Andreas, can we get back to anti-doping efforts that matter *now*?
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Four Days Til Decision Time for Euskaltel; the Vuelta Shapes Up; and, Thoooooooooooooor!
T minus Four for the Carrots!: yes, as sick, perverted rumors of Euskaltel riders signing for other, crappy, non-Euskaltel squads continue to pollute the cycling world, our beloved team's reportedly set to announce a decision on its future--one way or the other--on Thursday, which means either (1) party's at my place! or (2) you can peel my drunken, sobbing !@# off the booze-sticky bar of my local dive watering hole. In the meantime, loyal riders are denying ready contracts with other teams, and they're tearing up the tarmac in possible farewell to boot. !@#dammit, the sucky French squads that continue to get funded in this sport, and *these* guys can't find a sponsor--aiiiggghhhhhhhhh! 
The Vuelta Contenders Tune Up: sure, featherweight climbing genius Nairo Quintana took the final stage and the whole Tour of Burgos, but he ain't riding the Vuelta, so for my money it's all about the contenders--and Vincenzo Nibali (just using it for Worlds training, he sez), Ivan Basso (just aiming for a podium, he sez), and Samuel Sanchez (too polite to speculate) are all lookin' pretty well even, tho' Vincenzo just tweeted he's ready 'n' rarin. Alejandro Valverde? On vacation, so he's still got a few days more to rest up get his legs in order--and learn to pay attention to the !@#$in' crosswinds I hope!
Wiggo, Wherefore Art Thou (for 2014) Wiggo?: and, as the Eneco Tour rolls underway this week, none other'n Sir Brad Wiggins is gracing the peloton with his presence, and if he's not too distracted jamming with whatever of-the-moment band has caught his fancy, perhaps he might weigh in on this: if domestique-o'-the-millenium Richie Porte is ready to take on GC at the Giro next year, and Froome of course will be defending (if he even has to, considering the results) his Tour de France, and Brad completely unable to keep up with Euskaltel in the vicious Vuelta mountains even if the squad's freakin' dissolved and not even there by then, what the hell *is* our first British Tour winner gonna do for a 2014 razzle-dazzle encore? Oh, *Cav's* got the grace to be a water boy with his unquestioned supremacy in other areas--but really, a Tour de France winner? Ah well, I suppose that sort of sportsmanship is something they teach 'im in knight school anyway....
I Can't Even Think of a Stupid Thor's Hammer Metaphor Right Now: last but not least, after a complete blow of a season, new Norwegian champ Thor Hushovd's finally officially got his groove back, nailing two sprints and the overall at the Arctic Tour of Norway. Hey, if lovable big lugs are on the upswing again, can Tom Boonen get his poor nuttal sanctity in order and stop this terrifying and disgusting suggestion of retirement already? Anyway, here, despite a notable lack of the typical annoying club music on the clip, hardy Thor just nips the win on the line: Welcome back Thor--I'm sure this bodes well for a bangin' 2014!
The Vuelta Contenders Tune Up: sure, featherweight climbing genius Nairo Quintana took the final stage and the whole Tour of Burgos, but he ain't riding the Vuelta, so for my money it's all about the contenders--and Vincenzo Nibali (just using it for Worlds training, he sez), Ivan Basso (just aiming for a podium, he sez), and Samuel Sanchez (too polite to speculate) are all lookin' pretty well even, tho' Vincenzo just tweeted he's ready 'n' rarin. Alejandro Valverde? On vacation, so he's still got a few days more to rest up get his legs in order--and learn to pay attention to the !@#$in' crosswinds I hope!
Wiggo, Wherefore Art Thou (for 2014) Wiggo?: and, as the Eneco Tour rolls underway this week, none other'n Sir Brad Wiggins is gracing the peloton with his presence, and if he's not too distracted jamming with whatever of-the-moment band has caught his fancy, perhaps he might weigh in on this: if domestique-o'-the-millenium Richie Porte is ready to take on GC at the Giro next year, and Froome of course will be defending (if he even has to, considering the results) his Tour de France, and Brad completely unable to keep up with Euskaltel in the vicious Vuelta mountains even if the squad's freakin' dissolved and not even there by then, what the hell *is* our first British Tour winner gonna do for a 2014 razzle-dazzle encore? Oh, *Cav's* got the grace to be a water boy with his unquestioned supremacy in other areas--but really, a Tour de France winner? Ah well, I suppose that sort of sportsmanship is something they teach 'im in knight school anyway....
I Can't Even Think of a Stupid Thor's Hammer Metaphor Right Now: last but not least, after a complete blow of a season, new Norwegian champ Thor Hushovd's finally officially got his groove back, nailing two sprints and the overall at the Arctic Tour of Norway. Hey, if lovable big lugs are on the upswing again, can Tom Boonen get his poor nuttal sanctity in order and stop this terrifying and disgusting suggestion of retirement already? Anyway, here, despite a notable lack of the typical annoying club music on the clip, hardy Thor just nips the win on the line: Welcome back Thor--I'm sure this bodes well for a bangin' 2014!
Thursday, August 08, 2013
Let's Build Giorgia Bronzini a Giant Gleaming Golden Monument to Her Brilliance!
A.goddam.mazing: One sprint is boss. Two is great. Three is awesome. Four is astonishing. Five--well, for my money, five in a row is enough to enshrine you as the greatest sprinter of all time. What's more, she always, always compliments her rivals and thanks her great team. Yep, Emma Johansson's still in the lead at the Route de France, but moly, Giorgia is truly unstoppable. Bow, bow before la Bronzini, you (well, we) peasants! Here, some stage 4 highlights: Forzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Blinded By the Light: in "oh my god!" merger news, a Basque newspaper's reported that Lampre "Home of a Thousand Mantova Investigations" Merida is interested in merging with our beloved Euskaltel, which I suppose I can accept without having a total breakdown under a just couple of minor conditions: (1) everyone at Euskaltel gets to stay; (2) anyone who's ever left Euskaltel (you know who you are!) gets to come back; (3) the team kit remains orange and black; and (4) the team still gets to be called Euskaltel. Still, I do rather love Lampre for not only its Bedazzlered Disney-princess team kit, but the delicious irony of Michele Scarponi getting awarded Alberto Contador's Giro after his later-season doping DQ a ways back. Just don't bring any of yer poison into my beloved orange army, you heathens! Oh, for heck's sake, can't you guys just sell off a few assets to save some money *and* save the team in its own right, y'know, maybe a team "donkey cart" instead of a fancy team "bus" or somethin'll do....
Welcome Back, Manolo!: and, for those of you too morally superior to hire reprehensible outcasts like Bobby Julich or Eric Zabel, but who now inconveniently can't find anyone cleaner to fill the management ranks, the great ONCE-Eroski/Liberty Seguros mastermind Manolo "Briefcase" Saiz has announced he's interested in being back in the game, perhaps in such a tender role as mentoring innocent young riders in their starry-eyed journey to cycling superstardom. Y'know, to be fair, he's right to point out he did a darn good job with a jailbait Alberto Contador and a spring-chicken Rodriguez--and heck, his palmares-o-sleaze isn't *so* too much the worst of the bunch, amiright?
Blinded By the Light: in "oh my god!" merger news, a Basque newspaper's reported that Lampre "Home of a Thousand Mantova Investigations" Merida is interested in merging with our beloved Euskaltel, which I suppose I can accept without having a total breakdown under a just couple of minor conditions: (1) everyone at Euskaltel gets to stay; (2) anyone who's ever left Euskaltel (you know who you are!) gets to come back; (3) the team kit remains orange and black; and (4) the team still gets to be called Euskaltel. Still, I do rather love Lampre for not only its Bedazzlered Disney-princess team kit, but the delicious irony of Michele Scarponi getting awarded Alberto Contador's Giro after his later-season doping DQ a ways back. Just don't bring any of yer poison into my beloved orange army, you heathens! Oh, for heck's sake, can't you guys just sell off a few assets to save some money *and* save the team in its own right, y'know, maybe a team "donkey cart" instead of a fancy team "bus" or somethin'll do....
Welcome Back, Manolo!: and, for those of you too morally superior to hire reprehensible outcasts like Bobby Julich or Eric Zabel, but who now inconveniently can't find anyone cleaner to fill the management ranks, the great ONCE-Eroski/Liberty Seguros mastermind Manolo "Briefcase" Saiz has announced he's interested in being back in the game, perhaps in such a tender role as mentoring innocent young riders in their starry-eyed journey to cycling superstardom. Y'know, to be fair, he's right to point out he did a darn good job with a jailbait Alberto Contador and a spring-chicken Rodriguez--and heck, his palmares-o-sleaze isn't *so* too much the worst of the bunch, amiright?
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